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Paying on a first date

post #1 of 207
7/25/07 at 11:37am
Thread Starter 
You are on a first date. You have had an hour or so of nice conversation over drinks, possibly a meal. The check comes and you instinctively reach for it. Your date says, "Can I help out with that?" What do you do?

A couple of women have told me that a man should always pay for the first date, and that a man who doesn't will not get a second date. Others have told me that you should let a woman pay her share or a couple of bucks for the tip if you turn down her request and she insists, and that a woman paying something is no indication of her interest.

(Edited to eliminate ambiguity as to what a woman is paying for.)
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post #2 of 207
7/25/07 at 11:56am
How about split? Sometimes if she insists, I'll offer to split it, and they oftentimes agree.

Jon.
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post #3 of 207
7/25/07 at 12:02pm
My instincts tell me to pay; my bank balance tells me to accept her offer to split the tab.
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post #4 of 207
7/25/07 at 12:03pm
I would take it as a bad sign if she insists on paying. Like "Get me out of this with no possibility that he thinks he has created any obligation on my part. Making a clean gettaway is cheap at the price."
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post #5 of 207
7/25/07 at 12:04pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Manton View Post
I would take it as a bad sign if she insists on paying. Like "Get me out of this with no possibility that he thinks he has created any obligation on my part. Making a clean gettaway is cheap at the price."

It's never happened to me but that sounds about right.
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post #6 of 207
7/25/07 at 12:05pm
I think that a man should pay as a rule on all dates. If a woman wants to pay one time as a nice surprise, fine, but in the normal ocurse of things I would not feel comfortable with a woman paying for me.
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post #7 of 207
7/25/07 at 12:06pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Manton View Post
I would take it as a bad sign if she insists on paying. Like "Get me out of this with no possibility that he thinks he has created any obligation on my part. Making a clean gettaway is cheap at the price."
This accords with my experience; I have never had a second date with a woman who insisted on paying her share of the first. Nevertheless, two women who I consider acquaintances told me otherwise. Perhaps they are deliberately spreading misinformation?
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post #8 of 207
7/25/07 at 12:08pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ambulance Chaser View Post
Perhaps they are deliberately spreading misinformation?

Doubtful. More likely: when discussing the topic analytically they see it differently than when they are actually in the situation. A lot of women think they are more feminist than they actually are.
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post #9 of 207
7/25/07 at 12:20pm
Usually I'll pay - but sometimes women really want to pay for their half, and I don't like to go back and forth about it. I'll say "I insist" one last time, and if they won't allow it, we can split the bill.

Or, "I'll pay the bill, you can leave the tip" usually works on women who are insistent about splitting the check.
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post #10 of 207
7/25/07 at 12:26pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by iammatt View Post
I think that a man should pay as a rule on all dates. If a woman wants to pay one time as a nice surprise, fine, but in the normal ocurse of things I would not feel comfortable with a woman paying for me.

I've heard various men make similar statements, and the sentiment seems incredibly outdated to me. Usually, the statement is made by a man trying to appear gallant, which is typically the kind of man women should stay away from (no offense Matt). Women in their 20s make more than men in their 20s on average. Why should the man pay for everything? There's no good reason, except outdated tradition. When I was single I found it a little (just a little) annoying when a woman wouldn't offer to pay for anything on our first few dates (especially if you go on more than 1 date). Especially when both of us knew that the woman made a lot more money than me (I chose to start my career at DOJ instead of a law firm, so the female lawyers I dated made more than twice as much as me).
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post #11 of 207
7/25/07 at 12:28pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Manton View Post
A lot of women think they are more feminist than they actually are.

Agreed. Actually, a lot of women are more willing to use men than they'll admit.
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post #12 of 207
7/25/07 at 12:33pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ambulance Chaser View Post
You are on a first date. You have had an hour or so of nice conversation over drinks, possibly a meal. The check comes and you instinctively reach for it. Your date says, "Can I help out with that?" What do you do?


My favorite line in this situation is: "your money's no good here."
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post #13 of 207
7/25/07 at 12:44pm
You should pay, for the bus fare, also.
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post #14 of 207
7/25/07 at 12:46pm
You always pay on the first date. If she insists, you still pay, but offer that she canbuy you a night cap (or dessert/coffee), if she's interested. If she's not, you know where you stand and you can move on.
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post #15 of 207
7/25/07 at 12:56pm
I've said it before, but I've always hated it when men automatically decided they would pay for my meal. But I realize I'm not the norm. Maybe a poll on a women's forum?
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