Press Release: Rolex releases new McMansion-Dweller model
April 24, Basel, Switzerland
Rolex SA, former producer of semi-tasteful watches, has just announced a model which is expected to do well with in the economically important demographic of overweight suburbanites.
The new McMansion-Dweller is expected to help satisfy the market's demand for a watch that's suited to the challenges faced by today's oversized consumer. Not only does it incorporate an advanced 905L steel (over 50% more resistant to buffalo-wing and BBQ sauces), but it also features an imposing 45 mm diameter for easy legibility even when vision is diminished by shortness of breath brought on by cramming in those last few handfuls of nachos. The increased surface area allows for extra bling, which is useful in attracting the attention of chain-restaurant and sports-bar staff at the local strip mall, and confirming one's status as a true baller when the luxury SUV is out of view.
The announcement is not entirely surprising, given their history of releasing ever-shinier and -larger versions, but the new McMansion dweller breaks new ground in the race to capture the fleeting attention of the modern energy-drink-addled imagination. Chet McClusky, marketing manager of Rolex's expanding-customer division said: "This new watch is both dope and sweet, yet super classy. It's just as awesome for wing night at Hooters as it is for idling in traffic... HEY LOOK, IS THAT A SQUIRREL!?"
Rumours of a younger-consumer-oriented version, tentatively dubbed the "Frat-Master" are as yet unconfirmed.