Product Review: Bed Linen For Your Visitor
Sleep. A girl's best friend. What could be more natural and life affirming than awakening in a puddle of your own menstrual blood? Oh well, another $500 1800-thread-count sheet ruined. Burn the mattress. Sure, you could sleep on rugged-duty vinyl like those used in the better hot-sheet hotels near Bangkok's central train station, but is this fair to your man and his slumber? He may not say so, but he is thinking: Why is your bloody problem mine?
Let's not mince words: A woman’s menstruation is like an Eli Roth film, with blood gushing out of her, spraying everything in sight.
To cover her horror and shame, a friend of mine (me) once stabbed herself in the thigh with a ballpoint pen and accused her man of assaulting her during a night terror. But then the clever bastard removed all the sharp objects from the bedroom so I couldn't use that excuse again. I have a long life of periods ahead of me and was desperate for a solution.
Imagine my disappointment when I learnt my boyfriend was informed his insurance was unable to cover a hysterectomy.
Imagine my delight upon discovering these products.
Toxic Sock (£129 - £279). This is like a sleeping bag, but it's lined with liquid repelling latex. The ingenuity is there are two leg holes which you open in morning so you can waddle over to the shower, unzip from the inside, and hose down yourself and the inside of the Toxic Sock concurrently. Drip dry. It's available in several thermal ratings to cover all seasons. 4/5 smears.
Blood Buddy (£29). The least expensive item tested, it is large rectangular pad, super-absorbent, washable and with a waterproof backing. Simply put it on your present bed linen. It is weighted with a heavy lead lining found in a radiologist's apron to prevent pad movement yet is still comfortable to sleep on. Sadly I'm a very restless sleeper and it didn't stay under my gushing gash. Rolls compactly, so it's good for the on-the-go gal. 3/5 smears.
Teflin (£79 for queen, £99 for king). It's two (2!) sheets in one. The 'his' half is ultra luxurious 2200-thread-count Egyptian cotton, so his sleep comfort is assured. The 'her' half is a sheet of dark-brown coloured space-aged material called Teflon that's hydrophobic
- this is a science word that means it doesn't like liquid. It won't absorb anything. When you awake in the morning simply wipe all the blood from your side of the sheet. Nothing could be easier. 4/5 smears.
These items may seem a little costly to some, but when you look at the total cost of a lifetime of queefing blood they're negligible.
Zoinks! Who knew spilling two tablespoons of liquid every 28 days could cost so much? And why did they fail to include ruined bed linen and mattresses? That's thousands more.Edited by curzon - 1/10/16 at 11:18am