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post #211 of 5616
From McSweeney's:

Quote:
A Post Gender Normative Man Tries to Pick Up a Woman at a Bar.

BY Jesse Eisenberg

Hey, how’s it going? Mind if I sidle up? I saw you over here sitting alone and I thought, that’s fine. A woman should be able to self-sustain. In fact a lot of women are choosing to stay alone, what with advances in salary equitability and maternity extensions, and I think it’s an important and compelling trend.

I noticed that you were about to finish your drink and I was wondering if I could possibly watch you purchase another one. And, at the risk of being forward, if you could possibly purchase one for me.

What do you do? And before you answer, I’m not looking for a necessarily work-related response. I don’t think we have to be defined by our industrial pursuits, especially when they’re antiquated and hetero-normative. I curse my mother, who is an otherwise lovely human person, for not buying me an Easy-Bake Oven when I was younger. I grew up idolizing male thugs like Neil Armstrong and Jimmy Carter. And, yes, I work at ESPN, but I spend more time being spiritual and overcoming adversity, for example, than I do working for some faceless corporation. And if I were to find a mate, be it you or someone else here tonight, I would be more than happy to tell the proverbial “man” that I quit so I can raise our offspring with gender-neutral hobbies, while my biologically female partner continues to pursue her interests, be they industrial, recreational or yes, even sexual with another mate.

So…

Crazy news about the first female African head of state and Liberia’s sitting president, Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf, huh? Announcing her candidacy for 2011 so soon! Wow. What do you think of her chances? I think she’s a shoo-in, but I’m admittedly a bit concerned about Prince Johnson making some last minute strides, especially amongst the Gio people in the Nimba region. I’m thinking of launching a letter writing campaign on behalf of EJ-S or at least cold calling potential Nimba voters over Skype.

Oh, how gauche of me! I’ve just been chattering away incessantly like some kind of boy or girl who talks a lot. I haven’t even properly introduced myself. Although, one often gets the uneasy sense that patriarchy dictates a learned and ultimately damaging order of events with men taking an unearned lead. My name is Terri, with a heart over the i, instead of a dot. I have a heart, is what that says, and I’m not afraid to wear it on my sleeve.

So what do you think? Would you like to take me up on my offer for you to buy me that drink?

If you would like to respond, that would be wonderful. Of course, if you would like to continue to sit here silently, staring at me with that powerful gaze, which both breaks gender constructs and also scares me a bit, that would be fine as well.

What’s that? I should go fuck myself? I agree! Men should be more self-generative! Thank you for your astute assertion. Why should women exclusively have to bear the burden of childbirth, when men are biologically doomed to fear commitment? It’s counter-intuitive and socially degrading.

Ahh, that beer is refreshing! Thank you for throwing it in my face on this warm summer evening.

Okay, okay! I’m leaving!

Thank you for your blunt rejection of me. It takes a lot of courage, which you no doubt have in equal measure to any other human. Now, if you’ll excuse, I’m going to the bathroom where I’ll cry silently in a stall, questioning my body and texting my mom, but for now, I thank you for your time, which was equal to mine.

And from the opposite side:

Quote:
A Post Gender Normative Woman Tries to Pick Up a Man at a Bar.

BY Jesse Eisenberg

Hey, how’s it going? No, don’t get up; I’ll stand.

I saw you over here sitting alone and I thought, “How sad. A man shouldn’t be left to drink all by himself. It’s hard enough as it is with social pressures to conform to an unattainable idea of masculinity perpetuated by a patriarchal and antiquated set of phallocratic norms.”

I noticed that you were about to finish that drink and I was wondering if I could buy you another one. I have a tab here. They know me. I drink pretty heavily.

I’ve been pounding Irish Car Bombs all night, but I’m willing to transition to Cosmos if you’re more inclined.

In fact, a Cosmo may be a better option for me anyhow. Not because of its pink hue and dainty lemon rind, but because the alcohol content is lower and I have to be up fairly early for my corporate executive office job.

I’m not sure about your schedule for tomorrow morning—you could be doing anything from packing school lunches to midwifery—but I have to be up at 6:30 sharp. Mainly to hit the gym. And not because I’m concerned with maintaining a taut feminine physique but because the morning adrenaline rush gets my head in the corporate game. It’s a minefield out there and the gym turns me into an emotional tank.

I should probably mention that I approached you with the sole intention of having sex with you. Ideally tonight. I assessed your body from the other end of the bar and thought that, irrespective of your personality, I’d like to have sex with you. I know we’ve only just met, but I enjoy being penetrated by a stranger with no promise of an emotional commitment. Call me old fashioned.

So…

Looks like Hillary may do a push for 2016. I think she’s perfectly competent but I’m more of a Biden person myself and I’m spearheading a letter writing campaign on his behalf. I just feel inspired by his potential run. If elected, he’d be the first president from Scranton and I think that’s an important glass ceiling to shatter. If not now, when?

Oh how gauche of me! I’ve just been rambling on like some kind of Chatty Cathy or Calvin. I haven’t even properly introduced myself. My name is Terri, with a dollar sign over the i, instead of a dot. I’m not afraid to make money, is what that says, especially if it’s apportioned based on my physical efforts and intellectual abilities.

So what do you think? Would you like to take me up on my offer to buy you that drink? No? What about the indiscriminate sex? We could head back to my place, which is actually pretty dirty at the moment. It’s really more of a crash pad. A landing spot for me and my Steelers-themed mini fridge filled with domestic beer.

What’s that? I’m harassing you? How horrible. And you probably won’t even report it. All too often, men won’t report harassment or abuse because it conflicts with an archaic sense of misguided masculinity and pride. But it’s so important to alert the authorities of any aggressive behavior from a woman as soon as possible. A friendly tap on the shoulder becomes a less-than playful nudge becomes throwing a man down two flights of stairs at three in the morning.

I’m just saying: Women Are Dangerous.

No, no! Don’t call the bartender, he’s been on his feet all day. I’ll just leave.

No, no! Don’t get the door, I’m perfectly capable of letting myself out.

And don’t worry about me. I’m just going to head home, eat a TV dinner and fall asleep in shapeless pajamas. But for now, I thank you for your time, which was roughly two-thirds as valuable as mine.
post #212 of 5616
post #213 of 5616
What's all this claptrap? I love women as long as they are well groomed and aren't acting hysterical and stuff.
post #214 of 5616
Articles were genius
post #215 of 5616
Thread Starter 
post #216 of 5616
Quote:
Originally Posted by harvey_birdman View Post

 

 not a bad troll for a colored woman

post #217 of 5616
I need feminism so that I can get my pussy eaten in public and then claim I was raped.

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/photo-public-sex-act-rape-woman-article-1.1487092

figs. 1 and 2, rape in progress

Warning: Spoiler! (Click to show)
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post #218 of 5616
Spoiler images didn't work
post #219 of 5616
post #220 of 5616
Still not working. Although are they any different than the pic from the news story?
post #221 of 5616
Basically the same but you the faces aren't blocked out. The girl is smiling and talking to people.
post #222 of 5616
That dood is going to get the Micheal Douglas cancer.
post #223 of 5616
So did the guy do something to piss her off? Or did her parents see the pictures? Or her real boyfriend? What's your guess?
post #224 of 5616
IMO, this is part of the evil of smart phones and social media. Of course none of us were there and can say definitively what happened. However, I think we can probably say they were both drunk and from all appearances the girl was not being forced into this and was a willing participant. Now this experience is immortalized on the Netwebs forever and their lives are forever changed. She gets the out of a rape allegation. Not a win but certainly a save. The guy gets the Michael Douglas cancer and ass fucked by parts of the media and possibly the legal system.
post #225 of 5616
Quote:
Originally Posted by hopkins_student View Post

So did the guy do something to piss her off? Or did her parents see the pictures? Or her real boyfriend? What's your guess?

My guess is that she found out she could be facing a charge that would result in her being on a sex offender registry and panicked. Could just be the parents or bf finding out, but if that is the case she's a complete sociopath.
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