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Need advice on dating a woman with a child

post #1 of 36
Thread Starter 
I met my gf just a little over a year ago on match .com. It was my first time trying online dating and let me tell all you single guys out there, if you're looking to have "fun" check it out ( wink , wink) Anyway, she's hot , she's smart, she's loads of fun , but .....she has a 5 year old daughter. This is really where things get tricky.

She told me about her up front but I thought she would be just another girl/woman and would last maybe a month or so until I got bored or whatever. However , things went great all last summer, I finally met her daughter after 3 months. At first I felt awkward since I never dated a woman with a child. I would come around once in a while but they were short visits, most of the time we wound spend weekends at my place out in Long Island. Last month she moved to Queens from the city , partly to be closer to me but mainly because her 1 bedroom was getting smaller & smaller with a growing child. I've been spending a little more time with them just to see what would come out of this and what to expect if we were to ever take this to the next level. Thing is I'm a little uncertain and I don't know if it's me or maybe I have a point.

Lately I've been sleeping there since she just moved closer to me because it's a little more convenient than driving to the city. She wants to sort of take this to the next level but problems started as soon as she moved. Her 5 year old has her own room but refuses to sleep alone , she cries at all hours of the night waking everyone up. I don't mean to sound like a douche but it's fucking annoying. Maybe because I'm an only child myself and never really had to deal with babies crying ( reality is she's going on 6 ), maybe it's because her mother co- slept with her her whole life ( which I think is the real problem ) She just walks into the room un announced while I'm trying to get things steamy. She ruins the moment at times but it's not the end of the world. This kid is actually a spoiled little brat in my eyes. Sorry but she is, I've seen little Asian and Indian kids her age and they're so quite and well behaved, they never scream , have outburst in middle of the street because they don't get ice cream or a toy, run around the house shouting things they seen on TV, talk more then a AM talk show host .... the list goes on. Thing is she doesn't tell her much , gives her this "time out" junk which to me seems like a joke. Growing up my mother just had to give me that "look" and I knew what that meant. MY GF said " well I don't ever want to hit my daughter" . Worked for me..... just sayin'.

A part of me feels uncomfortable when us 3 walk around , I feel as if though people can tell she's not my daughter. It makes me feel a little insecure, almost as though I can feel what people are thinking, which they probably are. A kind of "what is he doing , it's not his daughter". Or maybe that's what I'm projecting and thinking.

A part of me thinks that her real father should really be here in the picture. Funny thing is he supposedly only comes around once every 4 months. I googled who is was only to find out that he's only 28 now, 4 years younger than my Gf which means he was 21 when she dropped the bomb on him. He told her to get an abortion , but she refused, saying that she was 25 and it was time. She basically went against his wishes and did what she wanted. I think it's a little selfish of her, what do you think? I mean he told her up front that there were going to be problems. She should have known, anyway... not even 3 years later and he took off. They never got married or anything.

A part of me get angry because I think her past is still with her. A part of her past relationship still looks her in her face everyday. I feel she's reminded of him through her daughter which get me really upset for some reason . Maybe I get jealous? Nope.... that's not it, it's anger. I sometimes wish she didn't have this kid, I feel she totally fucked things up for us both.
post #2 of 36
Thread Starter 
At times I can see her stressed the fuck out. She sometimes hands off her daughter to her sister to babysit but I feel she hands her over becuase she can't take it anymore and needs to escape to my place for some R&R. I sometimes think she took on a load she couldn't handle, you know with a job, a household , and a kid. She says she want me in the picture to be a family but I think she want me around becuase she's shot, mentally and physically.

My mother didn't know about the kid part only until a few months ago, I hid it from her because I thought she wouldn't accept it. I thought she was would say that I should find someone else.... (translation no kid). I was shocked to find out that she was sort of cool about the whole thing. Maybe because deep down inside she knows this might not go anywhere or maybe becuase I only see her 3 times a year that she just doesn't care. Who knows.

Well I'm at a cross road, it's been a little over a year and I'm starting to feel a little panic. I tried breaking up with her twice in the last 2 months but we seem to get back together. I told her everyting I'm telling you all here and I would have thought she would have taken off by now but she doesn't want to move on. She loves me and I love her . But it's realy hard , I don't want to wast my time, her time, and the kid. Thing is I wouldn't even have a kid of my own at this point of my life so what makes me thing I can have an immediate family and things would be any better? Any of you guys have some experience with this? ANy advice for a 33 year old who feels lost?
post #3 of 36
Break up with her. You're not ready for the responsibility of dating a woman with a child. Whether or not you intend to marry her you should have the basic ability to respect her situation is different than yours.
post #4 of 36
You sound like a douche to be honest. You also don't like the woman you are dating at all.
post #5 of 36

Break up with her. For the sake of all three of you. But mostly for the two of them. Because fuck you.

post #6 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by Joffrey View Post

Break up with her. You're not ready for the responsibility of dating a woman with a child. Whether or not you intend to marry her you should have the basic ability to respect her situation is different than yours.

+1
Quote:
Originally Posted by Reggs View Post

You sound like a douche to be honest. You also don't like the woman you are dating at all.

+1
Quote:
Originally Posted by Claghorn View Post

Break up with her. For the sake of all three of you. But mostly for the two of them. Because fuck you.
+1
post #7 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by lpalma121 View Post

...I sometimes wish she didn't have this kid, I feel she totally fucked things up for us both.

WTF?

post #8 of 36
fuck you, you sound like a piece of shit. do her and her kid a favor and break up with her.
post #9 of 36
I looked at some of the OPs earlier posts and realized I may've made a mistake responding. As a forum member for 4 years he may be damn patient troll.
post #10 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by lpalma121 View Post

ANy advice for a 33 year old who feels lost?

you will probably end your days alone, caring nothing but yourself, blaming your lot in life to people in your past who had some sort of malady- a child, didn't like your mom, lives in an inconvenient location, stretch marks, pointy ears, hairy nipples.....
post #11 of 36
play in traffic.
post #12 of 36

more than OP i like the other responses of people feeling entitled to judge someone who they don't know at all

post #13 of 36
Not going to be as harsh as some people here, but here's the deal: her having a kid is not about you. They were here before you and they will be here after you're gone, and if you try to come between them then you're completely in the wrong and will pay for it. You've been handed an opportunity to grow up, you can either grasp it like a 33 year old man or run off like a boy. It sounds like you are looking to us for excuses to do the latter but you aren't going to find it here.

You don't have to be the kid's new dad, but you do have to realize that being with her means bonding with the child. She's the child here, and you are the adult, and you are going to be the one who has to learn to be flexible and make sacrifices. Given enough time and some genuine attempts to engage the child, she will eventually come to see you as a loving authority figure and you will have the opportunity to shape her life and teach her some discipline. You might even get her mom to teach the kid to sleep in her own bed. But you are going to have to put some effort into it, and if you can't do that, and this girl is as special as you make her out to be, then some other guy will. Move aside and let her find him, because her life is hard enough without you making it more complicated.

TL;DR: grow up and be a man or move aside
post #14 of 36
Also, never say this:
Quote:
He told her to get an abortion , but she refused, saying that she was 25 and it was time. She basically went against his wishes and did what she wanted. I think it's a little selfish of her, what do you think?

or this:
Quote:
I sometimes wish she didn't have this kid, I feel she totally fucked things up for us both.

in public ever again. I don't know you so I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you are just venting, but it makes you sound like a sociopath when you say it to a bunch of strangers. Save it for your best friend who won't repeat it, or your therapist.
post #15 of 36
OP you are garbage. Spare this single mom and her young daughter your presence.

Better yet, buy life insurance with them as the beneficiaries and then crash your car into an abutment.
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