or Connect
Styleforum › Forums › Men's Style › Classic Menswear › Dress code for guests at my wedding
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

Dress code for guests at my wedding - Page 2

post #16 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by AdamWill View Post

"I don't see any way how I can resolve this without looking like an a-hole in someone's eyes"

I suspect this may be the pressure of the occasion getting to you. You know what? It's great that we all have standards here and try to hold onto some of the strict old-school rules of formality, attire for different occasions etc - but in the real world, both in the past and now, it's really not like that unless you're at an East Coast or British 'society wedding'.

I've been to, oh, 10 or 15 weddings in the last couple of years - that time of life - from one in a fire hall where everyone wore their very best AE polo shirt and drank beer out of plastic cups to one where the groom hired out a local concert hall for the ceremony and a club (gentlemen's club, not nightclub) for the reception. And here's the takeaway: as long as the bride and groom look happy to be there and there's food, drink, music and dancing, 95% of those in attendance will have a great time and not give a damn what anyone's wearing or how anyone behaves. And even the bitchiest 5% will concentrate on the women's outfits. The tux / suit / sport coat / worse ratio among men in attendance was pretty varied at each event, and there were certainly ones where the groom plus some random attendees were in tuxes, and even some where the groom was in a suit and some guest or the MC or the best man was in a tux. And you know what? No-one gave a toss.

Just trying to send you a positive message here - don't sweat it. Show up, smile, have a good time, pour lots of drinks. Anyone who cares about you will be happy to see you happy, and anyone who's petty enough to think you're an a**hole because your brother-in-law's wearing a tux is not worth caring about. And for whatever some idiot from the internet's advice is worth, I would not bring it up with your brother-in-law; I can't picture any way that conversation works out well. Even if he defers to your wishes out of respect for the groom, he's going to wonder why you're being so priggish about it, I think.

(Some of the 'background' pages on the black tie guide have some neat pictures from way back showing that, below the 'society wedding' level, strict dress codes have rarely been observed at weddings for decades. Guys have been getting married at 2pm in tuxes since at least the 1940s, for instance, it's not some modern degradation.)

MedStudent,

This is very wise advice. How you handle your relationship with your brother-in-law to be is entirely up to you, and it's not easy to give good advice on that to a stranger on the internet. But as long as you and everyone else have a good time, no-one will care or remember the details of who wore what.
post #17 of 28
This day is mainly about your fiancé. Make sure she is happy. You don't want her to have a bad memory of her wedding for the rest of her life because you and her brother had a falling out.
I am in a mixed-culture marriage too and I can not stress enough, this is her day- make sure she is happy and everything will be fine.
post #18 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by AmericanGent View Post

This day is mainly about your fiancé.

ThisThisThisThis.
post #19 of 28
Unless the BIL is standing up there with you I think you will be safe from anyone misinterpreting the situation and thinking he is your best man, no?
post #20 of 28
3 groomsmen and no bridesmaids = bad idea.

When is he giving this speech, before the wedding or at the reception?

Is he paying for the wedding or giving his sister away in the ceremony?


He sounds like an immature kid who wants to be a part of the show, imo.


If he's not paying for anything, you and your fiance need to tell him to be like the rest of the guests and sit his ass down!
post #21 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by MedStudent View Post

I had to have a semi-serious guy talk with a couple of my friends about how I honestly was not able to have a best man or groomsmen, but if I was able to, it would definitely be them. Now my future brother-in-law is going to be showing up in a matching tux AND giving a speech. It'll look like I lied to my best friends about not having a groomsman/best man, and while yes, I could explain the situation to them, I'm not sure they'll understand. Plus, I'd rather not have to make a bunch of heartfelt apologies/explanations to my friends. I kinda feel like I'm being robbed of a best man here and I'm going to look like an absolute schmuck on my wedding day.

I think that having three groomsmen and no bridesmaids would look stranger than having your brother in law happen to show up in a tuxedo. I am sure your friends will figure out that you did not pick your brother in law to be your best man and that he is just doing his own thing, especially when they see that there are no bridesmaids.
post #22 of 28

My 2¢...

Don't get bent out of shape, don't get your friend to wear one too. Just go to your wedding, have a good time, and COMPLETELY forget about the fact that he's the only other one wearing one. Don't think he's being rude and trying to show you up—take it as a complement that he's willing to go through the ordeal of getting a tuxedo for HIS SISTER'S wedding. Not everything is about you here. He's splurging on a major investment, and you should be honored that he would. If you feel the need to have someone else dress in a tuxedo, it shouldn't be your best friend, it should be your father. Let him have his fun, and you have your fun—they don't need to be mutually exclusive.

post #23 of 28
The simplest solution might be to pass the word around among your male friends and other guests that the dress code for the wedding is now "black tie optional." If a number of the other male guests show up in tuxedoes, your brother-in-law to be will not stand out or look in the least odd in his tuxedo.
post #24 of 28
Get some double sided tape and take the tags removed from your Tux and discretely stick one on the sleeve of his coat. Shake his hand with one and grab his wrist with your other with the tag in your palm.
post #25 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by JLibourel View Post

The simplest solution might be to pass the word around among your male friends and other guests that the dress code for the wedding is now "black tie optional." If a number of the other male guests show up in tuxedoes, your brother-in-law to be will not stand out or look in the least odd in his tuxedo.

This. i fully expect in the average wedding in 2013 changing the invitation to "black tie optional" will either change no one's attire or MAYBE increase the number of tuxes by 1-2. However, the advantage is it saves the brother-in-law from looking like a shmuck who broke the rules and turns him into the only one who wore the (optional) black tie.

Honestly, though I sympathize with OP for the innocent tactlessness of the BIL, a major contributing factor is the artificial limitation of "suits" as dress code. Get rid of that, make it "black tie optional," and now no one is breaking the rules, and a random smattering of tuxes now is within dress code and doesn't look like a wedding-party-via-subterfuge.
post #26 of 28

You can't change the dress code, it's too late—you already sent out the invitations.

 

I maintain my position that the key to the situation is to get over it. Forget it. You're only responsible for your own actions. Be glad he's coming, be glad he wants to be part of it. Plus, you don't want to drive a wedge between your wife and her brother or between him and you at this early stage of your relationship. Resentments can last forever.

 

edit:

I tamed down the post because I was an ass, but basically let him have his fun. No one will even notice, and I don't think it's inappropriate for him to wear anyhow.


Edited by John B - 4/30/13 at 4:48pm
post #27 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by AdamWill View Post

"I don't see any way how I can resolve this without looking like an a-hole in someone's eyes"

 

I suspect this may be the pressure of the occasion getting to you. You know what? It's great that we all have standards here and try to hold onto some of the strict old-school rules of formality, attire for different occasions etc - but in the real world, both in the past and now, it's really not like that unless you're at an East Coast or British 'society wedding'.

 

I've been to, oh, 10 or 15 weddings in the last couple of years - that time of life - from one in a fire hall where everyone wore their very best AE polo shirt and drank beer out of plastic cups to one where the groom hired out a local concert hall for the ceremony and a club (gentlemen's club, not nightclub) for the reception. And here's the takeaway: as long as the bride and groom look happy to be there and there's food, drink, music and dancing, 95% of those in attendance will have a great time and not give a damn what anyone's wearing or how anyone behaves. And even the bitchiest 5% will concentrate on the women's outfits. The tux / suit / sport coat / worse ratio among men in attendance was pretty varied at each event, and there were certainly ones where the groom plus some random attendees were in tuxes, and even some where the groom was in a suit and some guest or the MC or the best man was in a tux. And you know what? No-one gave a toss.

 

Just trying to send you a positive message here - don't sweat it. Show up, smile, have a good time, pour lots of drinks. Anyone who cares about you will be happy to see you happy, and anyone who's petty enough to think you're an a**hole because your brother-in-law's wearing a tux is not worth caring about. And for whatever some idiot from the internet's advice is worth, I would not bring it up with your brother-in-law; I can't picture any way that conversation works out well. Even if he defers to your wishes out of respect for the groom, he's going to wonder why you're being so priggish about it, I think.

 

(Some of the 'background' pages on the black tie guide have some neat pictures from way back showing that, below the 'society wedding' level, strict dress codes have rarely been observed at weddings for decades. Guys have been getting married at 2pm in tuxes since at least the 1940s, for instance, it's not some modern degradation.)

Very sound advice. 

 

May I ask a question?  I do not know the procedures about Persian weddings.  As a brother will he be a member of the ceremony?   If so, even if he wears a suit, you friends still might be "offended" regardless if he wears a suit or a tux.  If he sits with the rest of the crowd, he will simply look like a proud, happy, brother who wanted to honour his sister by getting dressed up.


Edited by socrates - 4/26/13 at 10:14pm
post #28 of 28
Black tie is evening wear, not ceremonial dress. So I see no reason why it would be inappropriate for him and appropriate for you, you're both dressing appropriately for the event.

IMO it should be black tie optional if you are wearing black tie.
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Classic Menswear
Styleforum › Forums › Men's Style › Classic Menswear › Dress code for guests at my wedding