Dress code for guests at my wedding

Ok so I'm getting married in 2 weeks, and within the last month, an issue has come up and I'd like to see what everyone here thinks about it.

First however, I want to say that I'm going to try and present this in the most un-baised way possible so as to get as many honest responses as possible. Here are the facts:

I am getting married in Washington DC in early May.

I have purchased my own tux, shoes, and accessories, and they are all traditional black tie.

There will be no groomsmen, bridesmaids, maid of honor, or best man as this is a Persian wedding, and they don't have "wedding parties" in the American sense.

The dress code for wedding guests is expected to be suit and tie, nothing less.

Here's the "issue":

I found out 2 weeks ago that my future brother-in-law decided to get a MTM tux for the wedding (it's already a done deal). His tux is identical to mine except that his is a shawl lapel and mine is a peak lapel. I believe he will be the only one besides me wearing a tux at my wedding.

Without giving any of my own personal thoughts on this, what does everyone else think about this decision?

I don't see a problem.

1. It is no less than a suit.
2. If you're concerned about the tuxes looking similar, they are tuxes. Tuxes tend to look similar.
3. If you want to be the only one wearing a tux, then you're going to have to make sure that no one else is wearing one and ask your future brother in law to forgo the tux in favor of a suit.
4. The lack of groomsmen means there isn't a problem of them all dressing in similar fashion or formality (that is if your future brother in law would have been in the wedding party).

I think that its a douche move by him. Having been married almost 15 years, however, I would strongly advise you to let it go. You might comfort yourself with the knowledge that he will look stupid to people who understand such things, not you.

Yes, the embarrasment, if there is any, will be his.



laundry day said:

I don't see a problem.

2. If you're concerned about the tuxes looking similar, they are tuxes. Tuxes tend to look similar.

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This. I doubt anyone will notice. If they were exactly the same, someone might, but as is. I do not see an issue.

I think that at any affair where it is appropriate for someone to wear a tuxedo, it is appropriate for anyone to wear a tuxedo should they choose.

He is a silly man but he is the one to be embarrassed. Just ignore the issue and don't let it ruin your day.

It's a non-issue for me considering he's going to be my brother in law. But I'll probably mention it in passing, it wouldn't hurt the relations I'm sure.

Yes ignore it.

No one will really notice. He is part of the family and most will assume he is just part of the 'party'.



punchdrunkwelle said:

It's a non-issue for me considering he's going to be my brother in law. But I'll probably mention it in passing, it wouldn't hurt the relations I'm sure.

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If it's a really a non-issue for you, then don't mention it at all. If you mention it, then it is an issue for you.

Take it as a compliment. He wants to look his best as a show of respect for you and his sister. We're not women who get huffy if someone else shows up to the party in the same dress.

Thanks for all the responses. I guess the general consensus is that it is a faux pas for him to do this, but it is his faux pas to make, and I should just keep my big mouth shut. I think that's sound advice, but I'm not sure that's what I'll end up doing. See, what I didn't go into detail about in the first post was the thing about not having a wedding party...

I had to have a semi-serious guy talk with a couple of my friends about how I honestly was not able to have a best man or groomsmen, but if I was able to, it would definitely be them. Now my future brother-in-law is going to be showing up in a matching tux AND giving a speech. It'll look like I lied to my best friends about not having a groomsman/best man, and while yes, I could explain the situation to them, I'm not sure they'll understand. Plus, I'd rather not have to make a bunch of heartfelt apologies/explanations to my friends. I kinda feel like I'm being robbed of a best man here and I'm going to look like an absolute schmuck on my wedding day.

FWIW, I think my bro-in-law is 100% genuine in his intentions to wear a tux simply because it's a huge day for him. His sister (whom he's very close to) is getting married to a guy he really likes (me). He wants to honor the occasion by going all out with his attire, he just doesn't know the etiquette.

After sleeping on it and reading the advice here, I think what I'm going to do is gently explain to him my side of things. I'll maybe even ask for his help in finding a matching tux for my would-be best man so we can do things right: I'll have a proper best man and he'll be a groomsman. Three of us in tuxes. They'll be in shawl lapels, I'll be in a peak lapel. We still won't have bridesmaids though, so the whole thing's just gonna be weird and I don't see any way how I can resolve this without looking like an a-hole in someone's eyes. I'm kinda hoping he'll just leave the black tie gear at home.

Have you talked about this with your fiancée? I think you should be sure you have her support for whatever you choose to do here. She may be able to help you explain things to her brother.

unbelragazzo said:

Have you talked about this with your fiancée? I think you should be sure you have her support for whatever you choose to do here. She may be able to help you explain things to her brother.

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Yes, she's been very helpful. But she's also kinda caught in the middle, so there's only so much she can do.

"I don't see any way how I can resolve this without looking like an a-hole in someone's eyes"

I suspect this may be the pressure of the occasion getting to you. You know what? It's great that we all have standards here and try to hold onto some of the strict old-school rules of formality, attire for different occasions etc - but in the real world, both in the past and now, it's really not like that unless you're at an East Coast or British 'society wedding'.

I've been to, oh, 10 or 15 weddings in the last couple of years - that time of life - from one in a fire hall where everyone wore their very best AE polo shirt and drank beer out of plastic cups to one where the groom hired out a local concert hall for the ceremony and a club (gentlemen's club, not nightclub) for the reception. And here's the takeaway: as long as the bride and groom look happy to be there and there's food, drink, music and dancing, 95% of those in attendance will have a great time and not give a damn what anyone's wearing or how anyone behaves. And even the bitchiest 5% will concentrate on the women's outfits. The tux / suit / sport coat / worse ratio among men in attendance was pretty varied at each event, and there were certainly ones where the groom plus some random attendees were in tuxes, and even some where the groom was in a suit and some guest or the MC or the best man was in a tux. And you know what? No-one gave a toss.

Just trying to send you a positive message here - don't sweat it. Show up, smile, have a good time, pour lots of drinks. Anyone who cares about you will be happy to see you happy, and anyone who's petty enough to think you're an a**hole because your brother-in-law's wearing a tux is not worth caring about. And for whatever some idiot from the internet's advice is worth, I would not bring it up with your brother-in-law; I can't picture any way that conversation works out well. Even if he defers to your wishes out of respect for the groom, he's going to wonder why you're being so priggish about it, I think.

(Some of the 'background' pages on the black tie guide have some neat pictures from way back showing that, below the 'society wedding' level, strict dress codes have rarely been observed at weddings for decades. Guys have been getting married at 2pm in tuxes since at least the 1940s, for instance, it's not some modern degradation.)

personally, I don;t see any issues. Just make sure you wear better shoes, accessories, and better fitting tux and shirt than him ..Good Luck and congrats...