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How can I get some kind of dating life going? - Page 2

post #16 of 48
You need:

a) a good leather jacket
b) drugs
c) to move to an interesting place
d) to stop feeling sorry for yourself
post #17 of 48
Thread Starter 
Fair enough. Thanks for all the responses.
post #18 of 48
also, try hookers . /styleforumanswer
post #19 of 48
OP, my personality and situation is similar to yours, so I have a lot of sympathy. I co-sign everything Maegnus posted and add the following random thoughts.

Woman have certain security issues when it comes to dating that men do not have. A woman wants to know that a man she just met is not a psychopath or won't become one if things don't go well. Accordingly, they have their guard up and are easier to meet if you have something in common, be it a friend or interest. I would rank the following ways to meet women in order from best to worst:

1. Set-up by friends who know you well.
2. House party/happy hour hosted by common friend.
3. Happy hour centered around common interest/background (e.g., alumni group, hobby).
4. Social happy hour not centered around common interest/background.
5. Bar/club on Friday/Saturday night.

1 and 2 are difficult if you have a limited social network. It sounds like 5 is a non-starter. Most meetups fall into category 4, which is why they've never worked for me. I recommend that you concentrate on category 3. Cooking classes are a good start. Do you like wine? The arts? Tons of single women at those events.

I'm not big on online dating. I think it encourages "checklist dating" whereby people (both men and women) reject potential partners if they are the "wrong" age, race, religion, height, profession, etc. Whereas if they actually met the person, they might hit it off. It's okay as a supplement. Ditto for events that are specifically geared toward singles. I've discovered that they attract lesser caliber singles. Of course, I occasionally attend those, so who am I to talk? biggrin.gif

I am skeptical of PUA concepts working on the type of woman in whom you would be interested (presumably intelligent, professional women in their late 20s and early 30s). That said, PUA has contributed some valuable ideas like the "three-second rule" (walk up to and talk to an attractive woman within three seconds of seeing her). It's worth checking out, but take it with a mountain of salt.

If you're in good shape and dress well, you're ahead of the game. This is not StyleForum propaganda. Women notice these things.

In the end, it's a numbers game. Attractive women generally do not approach men, so you're going to have to suck it up and do the approaching. It never gets easy (if it does, you're probably approaching women you don't find all that attractive). Don't take rejection personally and don't be rude if a woman isn't interested. Just move on to the next one. If a woman is talking to you for 15 minutes and isn't looking for a way out, she's probably willing to go out with you. At a natural break in the conversation, say something like, "I've really enjoyed our conversation and would love to continue it sometime after work. What day and time work for you?"

Hope this helps. Good luck!
Edited by Ambulance Chaser - 3/19/13 at 1:48pm
post #20 of 48
How do you do with friends? I mean truly good friends. The kind you call for no particular reason, horse around etc. I assume you're the type who keeps a very few (even one) good friend versus a bunch of friends? I myself am the prior.

I bring it up as approaching dating very -very- casually with the goal of developing a strong friendship first really does work. Even if it never goes further, you'll have found a friend who can help you with other issues.
post #21 of 48
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cary Grant View Post

How do you do with friends? I mean truly good friends. The kind you call for no particular reason, horse around etc. I assume you're the type who keeps a very few (even one) good friend versus a bunch of friends? I myself am the prior.

I bring it up as approaching dating very -very- casually with the goal of developing a strong friendship first really does work. Even if it never goes further, you'll have found a friend who can help you with other issues.

That's a good question. Yes, I am the same - few good friends vs. many. The other night I got a call from an old buddy I knew when I lived in LA. We talked for 2 hours. That guy has such interesting stories, and I really value his friendship.

I think that's a really good idea.

Maybe as a first step, I just need to change my mindset and think primarily about 1) making friends and 2) being less selfish.
post #22 of 48
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by edmorel View Post

given your age you would think you would try and set down roots at some job and climb the ladder.

You must be from an older generation. Are you familiar with the job market for IT and software developers? It's hard to find a "permanent" job in my field anywhere. Fortunately, I found a good full-time leadership position recently. I hope to stay here and "climb the ladder" if it's possible, as this is a good place. I definitely have less interest in job hopping these days. Barring layoffs, firing, downsizing, etc., I will be here for awhile.
post #23 of 48
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ambulance Chaser View Post

I recommend that you concentrate on category 3. Cooking classes are a good start. Do you like wine? The arts? Tons of single women at those events.

There's a wine meetup I've been meaning to go to. There's really tons of meetups going on in this city; I just need to take advantage of it all.

That reminds me....

Whole Foods is offering a cooking class, too. They also have a weekly wine and beer tasting, and my new job is literally across the street. Great ideas, Ambulance Chaser.

Starting to feel better. Bottom line, I know I need to stop whining and feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for all the feedback, everyone.
post #24 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by dapperdude View Post

Thank you for your interest. I'm single...
Mostly I do stuff by myself. Music, movies, etc. I go running and workout (swimming, weights, etc.) a lot -- solitary activities.

I've tried going to bars, and I feel miserable there without anyone I know, but I just don't have that many real friends. Coordinating with the friends I do have is always a pain.

I'm *very* independent-minded. If people want to go out at 9pm, I'm not going to because I keep a regular sleep schedule. I feel like I need to find new friends who share some of the same values and interests, which is why I've started going to more meetups.

I was freelancing for a bit, and I got to know some people at a co-working space. The cool thing about that is they would do social stuff -- go out to bars, throw parties, etc., and I took full advantage of that. I still see that group of people from time to time (there was a party the other weekend where I caught up with a few people, and met some new). Quitting my last full-time job and doing that for awhile was the best thing that happened to my social life. However, I decided to go back to working full time (as a software engineer) because I need the $ and haven't seen those people in awhile.

I thought about pursuing one girl I knew from that group, but I found she was seeing someone else from there, so I didn't.

My line of work is another factor in this. It's been terrible for my social life in general, but especially when it comes to meeting women.
I own my a really nice home right smack in the middle of Austin, close to bars, nightlife, Town Lake, etc.
I'm short/small, good shape (5'6" 140 lbs, athletic build). I guess I feel I don't compare that favorably. I am comfortable with myself but I know that my physical appearance is not my strength.

I could do more to improve my style. I have gone through spurts of trying harder, but got disappointed and gave up. I have a closet full of expensive things that I bought and never wear.
The long-distance thing was stupid and regrettable, but it was real. We got together many times over the course of a 2+-year period.
Good points, and good questions. I don't have all the answers obviously.

The picture that is emerging to me is of a person who has established a rigid set of rules for his life that makes it virtually impossible to interact socially, much less date. You mentioned that you are very into the paleo diet, so I'm sure your eating is very restricted ("A bunch of us are heading to an Italian joint, want to come? Can't, paleo diet." Just a guess.) And you can't go out past 9 pm because of your sleep schedule. That right there would eliminate perhaps 90 percent of the people you could date. Aside from the practicality that almost all people in their thirties want to go out from time to time, it would be a huge red flag to most people that you are so rigid you can't stay up late in your thirties. My grandpa used to be pretty rigid about getting to bed by nine, but he could get away with it because he was 80. For you it signals no fun, no spontaneity, none of the flexibility that might make a good life partner, no way anyone wants to date that.

It's fascinating to me that you valorize this characteristic by saying you are "very independent minded." It doesn't even strike me as particularly independent minded, and certainly is not a desirable characteristic, to be too inflexible to interact with others in a normal way. But it is probably a decent coping mechanism for you: saying you're not socializing because you're just too independent minded to do so is presumably easier than facing whatever the real reason You're not socializing. First and foremost, you need to identify the real reason and address it.
post #25 of 48
ok, I am going to be pretty brutally honest - but I am a basic introvert who was single until about 30 and them married a wonderful woman and has a great family



1. you probably want to have a little, not a lot, therapy. you probably have issues. sorry, suck it up

2. you are probably not very interesting to women - you are passionate about paleo, you run and lift weights (women don't care about those things anywhere near as much as you think they do) and you are in IT and spend a lot of time worried about your job.

3. work out some things that are interesting to women - a few interesting things about your life, something. practice the stories. meet women, get them to tell you stuff about thier lives and themselves, be interested, and then tell them, a little, about what makes you interesting.

4. date a lot - it seems to me you live in a place that is full of women, Austin. I've only had women come on to me a handful of times in my life, and once was in austin.

5. you are way too picky. you are going to have to get used to the idea that you aren't atractive enough for the women you want. so, either you spend the rest of your life using prostitues, or you are going to have to date, sleep with and marry women who aren't that atractive. you don't sound very attractive, very rich or very intresting, why would attractive women want you? but there are many many reasonable women, with nice firm tight bodies who would probably love to have you. settle.



good luck
post #26 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cary Grant View Post

How do you do with friends? I mean truly good friends. The kind you call for no particular reason, horse around etc. I assume you're the type who keeps a very few (even one) good friend versus a bunch of friends? I myself am the prior.

I bring it up as approaching dating very -very- casually with the goal of developing a strong friendship first really does work. Even if it never goes further, you'll have found a friend who can help you with other issues.

Cary, am I the kind of friend you horse around with?


Dapper, I think you know what you need to do, you just have to set your mind to it. Don't approach a woman like she is a potential wife/long term relationship, don't compare them to your ex and be careful you don't come off too beta in these cooking classes. Cooking is a great skill to have and women appreciate men who can do it but you don't want to come off house-husband-ish.
post #27 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by edmorel View Post

Cary, am I the kind of friend you horse around

You'll always be my little pony.
post #28 of 48
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by edmorel View Post

Cooking is a great skill to have and women appreciate men who can do it but you don't want to come off house-husband-ish.

Good point.
post #29 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cary Grant View Post


I bring it up as approaching dating very -very- casually with the goal of developing a strong friendship first really does work. Even if it never goes further, you'll have found a friend who can help you with other issues.
Eh, this is tricky for someone who lacks confidence about dating and probably telegraphs that. Of course great romantic/sexual relationships can grow out of strong friendships, and of course you should treat women you are interested as friends in the sense of treating them with courtesy, respect, etc. But for someone like the OP -- recognizing that when I say "someone like the OP" I'm making a bunch of assumptions based on a few internet posts - it can be tough to climb out of the friend zone if that's where things start out. I would look at it a bit differently -- if he is attracted to and interested in a woman, he should make that clear from the start. If she doesn't feel the same way or the chemistry isn't there, he can decide whether he's interested in making the effort to remain friends (and, of course, meeting her girlfriends).
post #30 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by dapperdude View Post


Starting to feel better. Bottom line, I know I need to stop whining and feeling sorry for myself. Thanks for all the feedback, everyone.

Good! Have to say, the occasional good whine can be kind of cathartic, especially if you make positive decisions when coming out of it.

 

Good luck -- expect ups and downs, the downs suck but the ups really blow them away.

 

~H

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