To all the successful, experienced members - Was it all worth it?

SkinnyGoomba · Feb 24, 2013

I was kidding huntsman, just getting a little tired of his endless insistence that his life is a failure since he does not have every aspect figured out by 30.

I meet ppl pretty regularly that seemingly switched gears very late in their career to have it turn out very well. Drive and a passion for success seem to often outweigh all else.

The inferiority complex is completely unwarranted and it's probably what is isolating him from others. No one wants to heat about how big a failure someone is on a regular basis, and that goes 10 fold if you are actually a success.

Huntsman · Feb 24, 2013

Yeah, I know what you mean. Apologies to you also; my comments were more directed to the overarching societal 'message' with the same timbre than any particular comment.

~ H

SkinnyGoomba · Feb 24, 2013

No worries, see you in the drinking thread :cheers:

Huntsman · Feb 24, 2013

Right on!

LooksGood · Feb 24, 2013

Huntsman said:
Stop overthinking it is right. And your three goals from the other thread? Geez, it's not as if you have any real problems if those are the options you have to pursue -- you are already ahead of 95% of people, and probably more than 99% of the people who started out where you are.

The only issue that I see of yours is that you are constantly discussing inferiority in some way; position, social life, athleticism. You know what? you're probably not The Most Interesting and Accomplished Man in the World. And that's actually OK. It's OK to have failed at various aspects of different stuff. It's OK to have missed stuff along the way, hell, I dropped out of high school and grad school because of family medical issues, went to a school where I drove my grandfather's car that my father and I got going after having sat in storage for 15 years when everyone else was in new BMW's / Audis / Mercs, etc. I never went on a date in college because I wasn't the sharpest tool in the box and had to work hard to get where I wanted to go; I also commuted so that I could help out with my family's healthcare needs.

I had a crisis moment, too, when I dropped out of grad school -- the solution for me was figuring out 1) what aspects of my past were driving my outlook in ways that were not helpful or reasonable, 2) what I really wanted, and 3) what course of action would as efficiently as possible give me the possibilities to attain those goals. I started by taking a Myers-Briggs which I found really useful, also talked to people I really respected (one old Prof of mine, for instance), etc. I also learned to stop comparing myself to others -- my issue was not so much that I felt inferior, I just felt behind. So I set out my goals and am measuring my success relative to....wait for it...what I actually care about. The rest of it is bullshit.

Also, to the jackasses who say that life ends after 30 -- **** 'em. My crisis was around 26-27 or so, and 29-30 were two of my greatest years to date. The young always criticize the old (you die after 30, after 40, after 45, etc), and the old always criticize the young ("youth is wasted on the young"). It's all bullshit, because each set criticizes the other for what they don't have -- the young mock the old for their lack of the accoutrement of youth; the old criticize the young for their lack of wisdom. Guess what, you can't be in both places at once.

~ H

Thanks for your insights. On a global scale, yes, you're right. Objectively speaking, I have achieved more than most people in the world. To give you some more context though, my peer group growing up for part of high school and all of college were all in the 95th percentile in terms of success. I grew up in a bad neighborhood but later had the opportunity to go to some good schools and lived a very sheltered life. When you're surrounded by all americans matriculating at the likes of Stanford and driving bmws, while you're struggling to afford the cost of attendance it warps your perception. I didn't own a car until I was in my 20s, and it was a beater from the 90s.

My family and I have been at the bottom of the societal barrel all my life. It shouldn't matter if your father works in fast food as long as he works hard and is inherently a good person, but people don't see it like that. With all this **** I've grown to be a much more negative person. It's funny because since I want to obtain certain things, I'll kind of obsess over the education, maintaining a good physical appearance, etc. and people who don't know me think I have it all together. People who really know me though realize that I have my insecurities and am not truly the in control person I seem outside.

I watched an interview with Jay Z where he put it best: "I'd rather die enormous than live dormant"

prayingrobot · Feb 24, 2013

I'm afraid it has not been worth it. Be ambitious but just for a few years, then get married and keep your head down. There may be no tomorrow, or none worth waiting for.

Huntsman · Feb 24, 2013

LooksGood said:
Thanks for your insights. On a global scale, yes, you're right. Objectively speaking, I have achieved more than most people in the world. To give you some more context though, my peer group growing up for part of high school and all of college were all in the 95th percentile in terms of success. I grew up in a bad neighborhood but later had the opportunity to go to some good schools and lived a very sheltered life. When you're surrounded by all americans matriculating at the likes of Stanford and driving bmws, while you're struggling to afford the cost of attendance it warps your perception. I didn't own a car until I was in my 20s, and it was a beater from the 90s.

My family and I have been at the bottom of the societal barrel all my life. It shouldn't matter if your father works in fast food as long as he works hard and is inherently a good person, but people don't see it like that. With all this **** I've grown to be a much more negative person. It's funny because since I want to obtain certain things, I'll kind of obsess over the education, maintaining a good physical appearance, etc. and people who don't know me think I have it all together. People who really know me though realize that I have my insecurities and am not truly the in control person I seem outside.

I watched an interview with Jay Z where he put it best: "I'd rather die enormous than live dormant"

Did you actually even read what I wrote? Or did it not sink in? It seems like you are trying to create contrast where there is only similarity.

"When you're surrounded by all americans matriculating at the likes of Stanford, and you're struggling to afford the cost of attendance it warps your perception"? Dude.

I'm an American, too -- I grew up on the east coast, and I think I indicated that I went to a very good college where I was also surrounded by all these kids driving BMWs, etc. Two undergrads had Porsche Cayennes (one was a Turbo S, which really blew my mind). Struggling to afford the cost of attendance is right, I took out all loans to go to college because my family could not support me, leaving undergrad with $60k in loans. Because I dropped out of high school, I started college at 21, and yeah, I didn't have a car until then either -- like I said, it was my grandfather's car that we de-mothballed. Yours was from the '90s, so like 10-15 years old? My car was 24 years old -- from the late '70s -- when I went to college. I drove it all through college, and a few years into my job.

"On a global scale" you might be successful? ****, man, you're a software engineer, and what did you say you were making, 70, 80k, right? That's around the top 25-30% for the UNITED STATES. You are doing really well for yourself and you should be proud of what you've achieved. My father has worked for 40 years and doesn't clear that much.

Nobody is as in control for real as they may seem. That's all appearance.
~ H

Piobaire · Feb 24, 2013

I'm sorry but I find it incongruous that a guy that went to a school where everyone is in the 95th %tile of success, and has outperformed 99% of people in the SES you started out in, finds Jay Z worth quoting when he's asking for life direction. You seem to have some fixations. You might seriously want to think about therapy of some kind.

imschatz · Feb 24, 2013

Piobaire said:
I'm sorry but I find it incongruous that a guy that went to a school where everyone is in the 95th %tile of success, and has outperformed 99% of people in the SES you started out in, finds Jay Z worth quoting when he's asking for life direction. You seem to have some fixations. You might seriously want to think about therapy of some kind.

I didn't want to say this .. but now that it's out there .. OP sounds like there is some underlying problem that you're ignoring by making up other problems. Micro-phallus maybe?

bings · Feb 25, 2013

I'm basically the same age as you and just had a break out year after a number of very very good years and what i can tell you is that you should not have to sacrifice family, friends, hobbies, personal development, education, etc. for success... you should be able to lever certain behaviours or decision patterns into big progress in several areas of your life at the same time.

if you can do this over a period of several years then you should be able to look back on it without regret and at least some comfort that you did things right.

but that won't make you happy if you don't have a family to share it with.

Gibonius · Feb 25, 2013

Piobaire said:
I'm sorry but I find it incongruous that a guy that went to a school where everyone is in the 95th %tile of success, and has outperformed 99% of people in the SES you started out in, finds Jay Z worth quoting when he's asking for life direction. You seem to have some fixations. You might seriously want to think about therapy of some kind.

+1 and not just for the money fixation. Anyone approaching 30 that hasn't gotten over a lack of success at high school sports need to reevaluate (from other threads). Honestly failing at sports was one of the best things that ever happened to me, I got a chance to learn that I wasn't going to be the best at everything in a venue that really didn't matter. Served me well down the road. There's basically always going to be someone better than you at everything, and probably lots of people. Even if you're the single best at the world in one particular thing, that's not going to be the case in other realms. Time to start accepting that.

LooksGood · Feb 25, 2013

bings said:
I'm basically the same age as you and just had a break out year after a number of very very good years and what i can tell you is that you should not have to sacrifice family, friends, hobbies, personal development, education, etc. for success... you should be able to lever certain behaviours or decision patterns into big progress in several areas of your life at the same time.

if you can do this over a period of several years then you should be able to look back on it without regret and at least some comfort that you did things right.

but that won't make you happy if you don't have a family to share it with.

Sounds reasonable. How do I do what's in bold though? Can you please PM me specifics on how you did it?

yjeezle · Feb 26, 2013

LooksGood said:
Sounds reasonable. How do I do what's in bold though? Can you please PM me specifics on how you did it?

reality is, no one has their **** together, but no one else needs to know

IMO your insecurities on "money, wealth, power" are keeping you from breaking out

bings · Feb 26, 2013

LooksGood said:
Sounds reasonable. How do I do what's in bold though? Can you please PM me specifics on how you did it?

no need for pm'ing brooooooooo.

some of this is environmental.

if you work where you are expected to put work in front of family then stop working there if the balance matters to you. I spent better than a half decade in a work culture where the strength of my marriage and family was an important reflection of character and was a key factor that put me on to the executive team before 30. My wife hasn't worked in 5+ years staying at home with our kids but the company was run by men who did the same and appreciated a traditional value-set. it was also an environment where my being a non-smoker/drinker was valued similarly.

the vices you have or imperfections... find a way to demonstrate how they bring value or support your overall character when challenged on them. don't commit to change things you don't want to actually change in your life.

you also have to create or install an element of 'right place, right time'. There are at least 10,000 businesses in North America that are having succession planning issues and need to find the next generation of leaders. PE firms, boards of directors etc. etc. will be pushing any company whose senior leaders are 60+ to develop people inside or go find young talent. Take advantage of this. guys that are 28-35 who have a few years of good experience are ripe for these types of programs.

truth is, most people our age have no clue how to run their own lives let alone be allowed to make decisions in a company that impacts the lives of others. However, if you are not awesome then you're going to have to resign yourself to doing things that yield not-awesome results.

put some big victories under your belt and on your resume... if you only have an undergraduate degree then that will likely hold you back too. education shouldn't ever stop until you want to stop moving up.

be so awesome that other companies want to poach you... leverage that into a better package at your current job or hold out until you get the right offer and jump ship but never be disrespectful or drop the ball at your current role even if leaving is inevitable. your next employer will be flexible when you tell them 'i won't compromise my current role to negotiate my future with you and I can commit to behaving likewise when the next company tries to recruit me away from you

"

Medwed · Feb 26, 2013

/\ To that I can only add/\ ; to those of you still in your 20s ....you guys have something to look forward too...,30s are the best years of men's life, provided you have not encumbered yourself with wife and kids.
40s are ****! Your health is going to go sideways your athletic abilities and even the way you feel in the morning are all going to suck. So enjoy your 30s with freedom , money and if you lucky with interesting occupation and hobbies, unless of course you have decided to devote best years of your life to changing diapers.

To all the successful, experienced members - Was it all worth it?

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