Manton
RINO
- Joined
- Apr 20, 2002
- Messages
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or, How to Get Your A$$ Canned by Just Showing Up
We have considered Conservative Business Dress. Now it is time to consider the opposite.
The danger of hanging around sites like this one is that you wil become enamored of things you should not wear -- career killers. It's easy to get borded with conservative business dress, and especially with UCBD. So drab, so uniform, so maddingly The Same day after day. It's enough to impell a man to crave color! Pattern! Cut! Texture!
We may understand the impulse. But it must be resisted. A case study:
Where to begin? With so much material to work with, we can only begin at the beginning.
First, double breasted suits are absolutely taboo. They are fundamentally, irredeemably not conservative. They are flashy, showy, mobby. Worse still, this one isn't even 6x2, it's 6x1, with a long lapel roll. This may have been fine for the duke of Kent in 1935, but he didn't have a job. If people are just going to pay you to be a prince, then go ahead and wear this. Otherwise, avoid like the plague.
Beyond that, look at those honkin' wide lapels, those big gaps between the collar and lapels, and the lack of padding. Rumpled shoulders are not conservative.
Then there's the cloth. It's dark gray worsted, which is fine, but with a hairline weave (passable) and a broken double windowpane -- UNACCEPTABLE! Pattern in most forms is to be shunned. A true UCBD suit must be solid. A very quiet stripe might still allow a suit to be classified as conservative business dress. But windowpanes -- NEVER! And double windowpanes -- No, No, A Thousand Times No! That's not even conservative enough for a self-respecting pimp.
The shirt is pink. No! If you must deviate from white, pale blue is acceptable. As Homer Simpson learned, people who wear pink shirts to work get sent to reeducation camps. Second, the shirt is striped. That in itself is OK; conservative business dress if not UCBD. But never in pink, and never a fancy three tone shadow stripe like this. Only the classic Brooks Brothers pencil stripe is acceptable, and only in red or blue on a white ground. The collar is too spread, and the cuffs are French. Again, no! No French cuffs with conservative business dress, ever! You can wear them if you are the CEO, but that is a different category of dress, not conservative business dress. In fact, let's just get something straight right now. Nothing French is ever conservative business dress, ever. Even a plain black stitch cap -- the holy grail of conservative business dress shoes -- loses its conservative business dress status simply by virtue of being made by Lobb Paris.
The tie: woven miniature houndstooth, black and silver. A classic? Certainly. Conservative? In certain respects, yes. conservative business dress? NO WAY! That is a wedding tie. Is a wedding a business occasion? Is it? I don't think so. So should wedding ties be worn for business? You do the math.
Then, as you may by now have gathered, that is three patterns being worn together. UCBD only allows one pattern, ever. conservative business dress might possibly allow two, on a case by case basis subject to review by the conservative business dress board. But three? Together? All different? And different colors to boot? No way, no how, not never.
Finally, the ridiculous boutonnière. These are always way beyond the pale. They draw attention and look foppish. But that one in particular is worse. It looks like if you got too close a jet of water would hit you in the eye. Want to look like a clown? Wear that. Hope you have a lot of money saved up, because unemployment benefits only last six months.
Here endeth Lesson Two.
We have considered Conservative Business Dress. Now it is time to consider the opposite.
The danger of hanging around sites like this one is that you wil become enamored of things you should not wear -- career killers. It's easy to get borded with conservative business dress, and especially with UCBD. So drab, so uniform, so maddingly The Same day after day. It's enough to impell a man to crave color! Pattern! Cut! Texture!
We may understand the impulse. But it must be resisted. A case study:
Where to begin? With so much material to work with, we can only begin at the beginning.
First, double breasted suits are absolutely taboo. They are fundamentally, irredeemably not conservative. They are flashy, showy, mobby. Worse still, this one isn't even 6x2, it's 6x1, with a long lapel roll. This may have been fine for the duke of Kent in 1935, but he didn't have a job. If people are just going to pay you to be a prince, then go ahead and wear this. Otherwise, avoid like the plague.
Beyond that, look at those honkin' wide lapels, those big gaps between the collar and lapels, and the lack of padding. Rumpled shoulders are not conservative.
Then there's the cloth. It's dark gray worsted, which is fine, but with a hairline weave (passable) and a broken double windowpane -- UNACCEPTABLE! Pattern in most forms is to be shunned. A true UCBD suit must be solid. A very quiet stripe might still allow a suit to be classified as conservative business dress. But windowpanes -- NEVER! And double windowpanes -- No, No, A Thousand Times No! That's not even conservative enough for a self-respecting pimp.
The shirt is pink. No! If you must deviate from white, pale blue is acceptable. As Homer Simpson learned, people who wear pink shirts to work get sent to reeducation camps. Second, the shirt is striped. That in itself is OK; conservative business dress if not UCBD. But never in pink, and never a fancy three tone shadow stripe like this. Only the classic Brooks Brothers pencil stripe is acceptable, and only in red or blue on a white ground. The collar is too spread, and the cuffs are French. Again, no! No French cuffs with conservative business dress, ever! You can wear them if you are the CEO, but that is a different category of dress, not conservative business dress. In fact, let's just get something straight right now. Nothing French is ever conservative business dress, ever. Even a plain black stitch cap -- the holy grail of conservative business dress shoes -- loses its conservative business dress status simply by virtue of being made by Lobb Paris.
The tie: woven miniature houndstooth, black and silver. A classic? Certainly. Conservative? In certain respects, yes. conservative business dress? NO WAY! That is a wedding tie. Is a wedding a business occasion? Is it? I don't think so. So should wedding ties be worn for business? You do the math.
Then, as you may by now have gathered, that is three patterns being worn together. UCBD only allows one pattern, ever. conservative business dress might possibly allow two, on a case by case basis subject to review by the conservative business dress board. But three? Together? All different? And different colors to boot? No way, no how, not never.
Finally, the ridiculous boutonnière. These are always way beyond the pale. They draw attention and look foppish. But that one in particular is worse. It looks like if you got too close a jet of water would hit you in the eye. Want to look like a clown? Wear that. Hope you have a lot of money saved up, because unemployment benefits only last six months.
Here endeth Lesson Two.
