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quarter life crisis - Page 2

post #16 of 43
Quote:
So I feel like I have to make at least 200k a year by the time I'm 40 to not be depressed when I reach that age.

 

It sounds to me like you're in the rat race. Check out the book Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar. He is an influential proponent of positive psychology. Can people learn to be happy? Positive psychology says they can.

post #17 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by LooksGood View Post

Your post pretty much hit the nail on the head(except for me being 30, I'm in my late 20s).  If you count people that I talk to about common stuff, I have plenty of those.  But people who would have my back in a brawl?  I don't think I have any of those.  There probably is something wrong with me socially, but I'm not sure what.  I wish I could just talk to the future version of me or have some kind of mentor.  I've had to make all the decisions in my life on my own and not all of them were good.

For women I'm kind of in a catch 22: I want them to like me for me but I'm too ashamed to meet them in tshirt and sweats and reveal my flaws.
RE: people that would have your back in a brawl? Why would you get into a brawl in the first place, my friend? I can defend myself as I took Muay Thai for a while (stopped because due to lack of time, and ankle injury from sparring), but I would never get into a street brawl because you don't know if they're packing heat or knives. Friends come and go, that's a fact of life. People move around geographically, and you may too. Try to find the best company you can, and keep a positive attitude.

I'm probably pretty close to you in age, I'm also in my late 20s. I used to be a real pessimist until the last year or so. Ironically enough, I thought/think that was a big driver for me to work harder than the next man and be successful. I am now an optimist within reason. I still possess the hunger to succeed, but life is not so gloomy anymore.

As cliche/corny as this sound, I think it would behoove you to take some time off to find yourself...really think about what you want in life. $200k is not that far out of reach IMO, but it may take a while for you. I don't think you should make that the highlight of your career though. It's obvious that you have a thing for clothes since you're on this forum. Like a good amount of members who enjoy superlative timepieces, bespoke clothing, fine dining, traveling, etc. you need to make a good amount of money to fund that kind of lifestyle so having plan to make money isn't a bad thing. However, you should not be so obsessed that it robs you out of having fun every now and then.

Everyone has their flaws, and you should accept it. Do your best to keep yourself in top shape, mentally and physically, and call it a day. I like to dress up as the next guy, but I still go to the super market in a t shirt, basketball shorts, and sandals. No one is perfect...those folks in magazines are sprayed on smile.gif
post #18 of 43
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by wj4 View Post


RE: people that would have your back in a brawl? Why would you get into a brawl in the first place, my friend? I can defend myself as I took Muay Thai for a while (stopped because due to lack of time, and ankle injury from sparring), but I would never get into a street brawl because you don't know if they're packing heat or knives. Friends come and go, that's a fact of life. People move around geographically, and you may too. Try to find the best company you can, and keep a positive attitude.
I'm probably pretty close to you in age, I'm also in my late 20s. I used to be a real pessimist until the last year or so. Ironically enough, I thought/think that was a big driver for me to work harder than the next man and be successful. I am now an optimist within reason. I still possess the hunger to succeed, but life is not so gloomy anymore.
As cliche/corny as this sound, I think it would behoove you to take some time off to find yourself...really think about what you want in life. $200k is not that far out of reach IMO, but it may take a while for you. I don't think you should make that the highlight of your career though. It's obvious that you have a thing for clothes since you're on this forum. Like a good amount of members who enjoy superlative timepieces, bespoke clothing, fine dining, traveling, etc. you need to make a good amount of money to fund that kind of lifestyle so having plan to make money isn't a bad thing. However, you should not be so obsessed that it robs you out of having fun every now and then.
Everyone has their flaws, and you should accept it. Do your best to keep yourself in top shape, mentally and physically, and call it a day. I like to dress up as the next guy, but I still go to the super market in a t shirt, basketball shorts, and sandals. No one is perfect...those folks in magazines are sprayed on smile.gif


I'm not looking to get into street fights, the idea is just that I don't have any friends who would stand with me if things got really tough.  I find almost everyone in life, not just girls, want to be with you when you're chip leader, but will barely talk to you when you're shortstacked.  I've come to resent some of my so-called "friends" for this.  And these are friends I've known for years.  Now when I think of them I can't help but feel slight disgust, I actually feel ambivalent towards them at best.  One time I even fantasized about reenacting the flatblock marina scene from A Clockwork Orange lol.

 

If I had one wish it would be to win the mega millions, marry the girl of my dreams, have a bunch of kids and buy my own private island somewhere to get away from everyone.

post #19 of 43

I used to be a rock star for about a year, until I got money issues that prevent me from continuing to fly all over the place, basically cutting off my balls and making me anxious about what I'm gonna do tomorrow if I can't rock out. 

 

You don't seem to have the money problem. I'm just gonna say that travelling (alone) is the SHIT! Surfing/skydiving/mountaineering/camping/eating/etc. is booombb too. Travel to some places (Nepal, Egypt, Tibet, China, Rural China, Mongolia, whatever the fuck) and become local where ever you are. I envy those who can do this, I don't envy those making crazy money working in investment banking. Of course cash flow is necessary. 

post #20 of 43
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by cb10211 View Post

I used to be a rock star for about a year, until I got money issues that prevent me from continuing to fly all over the place, basically cutting off my balls and making me anxious about what I'm gonna do tomorrow if I can't rock out. 

 

You don't seem to have the money problem. I'm just gonna say that travelling (alone) is the SHIT! Surfing/skydiving/mountaineering/camping/eating/etc. is booombb too. Travel to some places (Nepal, Egypt, Tibet, China, Rural China, Mongolia, whatever the fuck) and become local where ever you are. I envy those who can do this, I don't envy those making crazy money working in investment banking. Of course cash flow is necessary. 


cool, were you big enough to have hot groupies?  :)
Traveling alone is fun?  I watched Bruce Wayne do that in Batman Begins and it looked rough.....LOL j/k

Yeah, doing those activities is fun, but they are more friend with someone you enjoy being around.  My college buddies and I talked about touring Europe after graduation but those busters bailed on me and took jobs/went to grad school instead.

 

post #21 of 43
Quote:
cool, were you big enough to have hot groupies? smile.gif
Traveling alone is fun? I watched Bruce Wayne do that in Batman Begins and it looked rough.....LOL j/k
Yeah, doing those activities is fun, but they are more friend with someone you enjoy being around. My college buddies and I talked about touring Europe after graduation but those busters bailed on me and took jobs/went to grad school instead.

You say they are more fun with someone else, but have you even done them by yourself? His advice was dead on. You don't want to do it alone because you are scared.

You sound like a little boy. You were talking about your friends not having your back; what exactly have you done to deserve that from these guys? What traits do you bring to the table, as a man? Are you confident? Smart with money? Are you bringing positive energy to the group? To your friends and to women, what the hell do you offer? All the good traits that your friends and women would want in a friend or man involve WORK. You fantasize about having all these great things WITHOUT work. Your little fantasy about having tons of money and all that is just that, a fantasy. You want women to fall all over you, which is why you think they will do that if you have money. That's what you would offer, money. For no work on your part. Notice the trend? You want something for nothing. Boy, meet world.
Quote:
For women I'm kind of in a catch 22: I want them to like me for me but I'm too ashamed to meet them in tshirt and sweats and reveal my flaws

You have got to grow a pair. I'm not a dating expert, but any woman, especially an attractive woman, want a man who can be her rock, who she can lean on when times are tough, who has experienced some life and can teach her things, and who she can let into her body. What woman would want a man who can't even talk to them in a tshirt and sweats, especially considering you want (hopefully) to be naked with them for hours on end as often as possible? Why would a woman trust you with her body?

You need to struggle more. Struggle as in you need to conquer all your fears. I read your posts and you remind me of most guys at age 22. Lots of guys go through this stage, like I did, where they go do endurance sports, be it marathons, triathlons, etc. Reflecting, we all do it because we need to accomplish something. Constantly in a job with a never ending supply of new shit to do and a 30 year leveling period, is it any wonder we don't feel too great about yourself? There is something to be said for the idea of "leveling", like what we do with every year of school, then ultimately graduation. I think this is also the reason that games like World of Warcraft are so popular. It gives you the sense of merit when you "level up".

Do you really want to solve your problem? If so, do what another poster suggested and hit up Europe, alone. Go to Stockholm and hit on all pretty girls you see. Half will sleep with you (awesome) and enough will shoot you down to where you aren't afraid of women anymore (even more awesome). Go skydive and bungy jump in Switzerland and conquer your fear of death.

Imagine you come back, after touring Europe alone, and you have no fear of death: you have an unshakeable confidence. You slept with enough girls to know what you're doing yet were shot down enough to where you can approach any girl. You will know more about you want out of life, so your career will re-align accordingly. Do you not think that you would come off 100% differently than how you come off now? You will literally fight girls off of you. You'll get promotions at work because people will respect you. Life will be good.

Now you just need to go suffer through the pain and fear so you can get to that point.
post #22 of 43
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by clubbyjones View Post


You say they are more fun with someone else, but have you even done them by yourself? His advice was dead on. You don't want to do it alone because you are scared.
You sound like a little boy. You were talking about your friends not having your back; what exactly have you done to deserve that from these guys? What traits do you bring to the table, as a man? Are you confident? Smart with money? Are you bringing positive energy to the group? To your friends and to women, what the hell do you offer? All the good traits that your friends and women would want in a friend or man involve WORK. You fantasize about having all these great things WITHOUT work. Your little fantasy about having tons of money and all that is just that, a fantasy. You want women to fall all over you, which is why you think they will do that if you have money. That's what you would offer, money. For no work on your part. Notice the trend? You want something for nothing. Boy, meet world.
You have got to grow a pair. I'm not a dating expert, but any woman, especially an attractive woman, want a man who can be her rock, who she can lean on when times are tough, who has experienced some life and can teach her things, and who she can let into her body. What woman would want a man who can't even talk to them in a tshirt and sweats, especially considering you want (hopefully) to be naked with them for hours on end as often as possible? Why would a woman trust you with her body?
You need to struggle more. Struggle as in you need to conquer all your fears. I read your posts and you remind me of most guys at age 22. Lots of guys go through this stage, like I did, where they go do endurance sports, be it marathons, triathlons, etc. Reflecting, we all do it because we need to accomplish something. Constantly in a job with a never ending supply of new shit to do and a 30 year leveling period, is it any wonder we don't feel too great about yourself? There is something to be said for the idea of "leveling", like what we do with every year of school, then ultimately graduation. I think this is also the reason that games like World of Warcraft are so popular. It gives you the sense of merit when you "level up".
Do you really want to solve your problem? If so, do what another poster suggested and hit up Europe, alone. Go to Stockholm and hit on all pretty girls you see. Half will sleep with you (awesome) and enough will shoot you down to where you aren't afraid of women anymore (even more awesome). Go skydive and bungy jump in Switzerland and conquer your fear of death.
Imagine you come back, after touring Europe alone, and you have no fear of death: you have an unshakeable confidence. You slept with enough girls to know what you're doing yet were shot down enough to where you can approach any girl. You will know more about you want out of life, so your career will re-align accordingly. Do you not think that you would come off 100% differently than how you come off now? You will literally fight girls off of you. You'll get promotions at work because people will respect you. Life will be good.
Now you just need to go suffer through the pain and fear so you can get to that point.


I  appreciate your thorough post and honesty.  Thank you.  However, I think you are judging me too much based on a couple of posts.  I have struggled much in my life, maybe even more than you.  I was abused as a child and was a late bloomer physically, and was picked on until high school where I learned to defend myself.  I've had to stay away from gangs, drugs, other negative influences to eventually graduate from a top 20 school, and I'm proud of that.  Unfortunately, I have met with much failure in my life for a person my age, such as getting injured and failing to make the all american team, and finding someone down the roster take up my spot and succeed.  Since I started college I was on my own, both financially and emotionally, which is more than I can say for many of my peers.

 

As for the friends, one example is where I risked my own ass breaking up fights between them and other huge guys when they have not done the same for me.  I have also been there for them emotionally more than they have for me.

 

Can you explain the work I would need to put in to meet a girl I'm compatible with?  I feel in this day and age I should just be able to bring a good heart to care for her emotionally and the physicality to defend her if need be.  I don't believe in taking her shopping or paying for dinners except for special occasions. 

 

I know I work hard, but maybe what you're saying is that I need to work even harder.  And I could use more discipline.  I guess it's just a matter of forcing myself to be more consistent in the good things I do.

post #23 of 43

Hi.

Recognise the situation you find yourself in. I was a successful banker working in London and New York and had succeeded financially but there was always something missing.I think I needed an identity that really suited me and I've found that by becoming a skinhead. I know that sounds weird but I can now throw off my inhibitions and get pissed out of my head with other like minded people.The image attracts similar people and I now have a busy social life, but admittedly it includes some street aggro and the odd arrest. I'm discovering a whole new set of values that aren't about money or background - being a skinhead is a great leveller.

Hope you can find something that suits you. Good Luck.

post #24 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miles Teg View Post

I hate to be a downer but 29-30 is more like a one-third life crises.
But maybe this will help:

 

I saw this comic a couple months ago and was SO inspired by it. I'm 24 and the panel about basketball really related to me for the past couple years (the general jist of what the guy is thinking, just not basketball)

post #25 of 43
Hmmm, To some extent I'm in a similar boat as you, but then again I don't have near as a good a job but I also didn't have that upbringing. The best thought I can share with you as I've had about these sort of matters, as cliche as it may sound, is it's all about attitude. You have to look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself am I happy, what do I want, honestly and truly. what do I seek/need, am I doing what makes me happy, etc. You have to look yourself in the eye and say 'I deserve to be happy' and go out there and make it happen. The world outside yourself is constantly changing and shifting but you have the power to influence it and shape what's around you, either in reality or in your head. It's all about your attitude, no matter what you did in the past or had done to you or anything like that, you simply have to accept your current situation, imagine into the future what you want, and systematically go get it. Your past doesn't exist in reality, it's just this mental baggage that you're carrying around with you and weighing you down, distracting you, and ultimately holding you back from being happy. Don't you want to be happy? Understand your past, accept it, and LET IT GO. Relieve yourself of that baggage and look at your current life and pretend it's the beginning and you are going to move forward. Promise yourself that you deserve to be happy and you are someone who people will want to like and be with and care for. Tell yourself that you are someone of value and that you deserve to get what you want. Think about what you want your life to look like, in terms of relationships, objects, etc on some sort of timeline and have a general strategy to get there. And every day when you wake up, look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you deserve to be happy, and every night think about what you did that day to make your life better. So long story short, it's all about your attitude and your intentions. The only thing in your way is you. Get mad and and say fuck you world, it's my turn to be happy. I refuse to be held back by anything in the past, it's done and over and I'm looking forward. This is the life I imagine and I'm going to make it happen. Everything, EVERYTHING can be changed. It just takes time, money, or effort. Sort of a bit of a ramble here, but basically I'm saying it's as much in your head as anything else and nobody's going to be there for you except yourself.





when you say you want friends who'll fight for you, I hear you saying that you feel like you don't have strong bonds with others and you're lonely and you think you don't matter to anyone you wish you had the approval of others and you need them to value you. Your source of self worth is external, and that's not right. I'm not saying that being valued by others isn't important or strong relationships with those around you, but you're seeking the validation of others as your source of self worth. Become someone of value, and others will accept that you are value and see you that way. If you don't believe in yourself, why should anyone else.

I see hints that you're unhappy and frustrated. You've said you seem to dislike others around you and think they're more successful. You're being petty, and jealous. Ask yourself what you really want and work towards that. If you compare yourself to others, your self worth is based on them, not you.
post #26 of 43
$100k a year is enough to see a professional, even in SF Bay; you should probably look into that rather than relying on the advice of bloated electronic egos. I think you have some serious questions that the internet is not equipped to answer.
post #27 of 43
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Master-Classter View Post

Hmmm, To some extent I'm in a similar boat as you, but then again I don't have near as a good a job but I also didn't have that upbringing. The best thought I can share with you as I've had about these sort of matters, as cliche as it may sound, is it's all about attitude. You have to look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself am I happy, what do I want, honestly and truly. what do I seek/need, am I doing what makes me happy, etc. You have to look yourself in the eye and say 'I deserve to be happy' and go out there and make it happen. The world outside yourself is constantly changing and shifting but you have the power to influence it and shape what's around you, either in reality or in your head. It's all about your attitude, no matter what you did in the past or had done to you or anything like that, you simply have to accept your current situation, imagine into the future what you want, and systematically go get it. Your past doesn't exist in reality, it's just this mental baggage that you're carrying around with you and weighing you down, distracting you, and ultimately holding you back from being happy. Don't you want to be happy? Understand your past, accept it, and LET IT GO. Relieve yourself of that baggage and look at your current life and pretend it's the beginning and you are going to move forward. Promise yourself that you deserve to be happy and you are someone who people will want to like and be with and care for. Tell yourself that you are someone of value and that you deserve to get what you want. Think about what you want your life to look like, in terms of relationships, objects, etc on some sort of timeline and have a general strategy to get there. And every day when you wake up, look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you deserve to be happy, and every night think about what you did that day to make your life better. So long story short, it's all about your attitude and your intentions. The only thing in your way is you. Get mad and and say fuck you world, it's my turn to be happy. I refuse to be held back by anything in the past, it's done and over and I'm looking forward. This is the life I imagine and I'm going to make it happen. Everything, EVERYTHING can be changed. It just takes time, money, or effort. Sort of a bit of a ramble here, but basically I'm saying it's as much in your head as anything else and nobody's going to be there for you except yourself.
when you say you want friends who'll fight for you, I hear you saying that you feel like you don't have strong bonds with others and you're lonely and you think you don't matter to anyone you wish you had the approval of others and you need them to value you. Your source of self worth is external, and that's not right. I'm not saying that being valued by others isn't important or strong relationships with those around you, but you're seeking the validation of others as your source of self worth. Become someone of value, and others will accept that you are value and see you that way. If you don't believe in yourself, why should anyone else.
I see hints that you're unhappy and frustrated. You've said you seem to dislike others around you and think they're more successful. You're being petty, and jealous. Ask yourself what you really want and work towards that. If you compare yourself to others, your self worth is based on them, not you.


That's some really good advice man, thank you so much.  My friends have told me to let go of the past too, but it's hard because it's so ingrained in me and made me who I am.  To tell you the truth, I am thinking about competing in sports again because I'm hoping it will finally lay my demons from high school athletics to rest.  I don't know if that's a good idea though.

post #28 of 43

As corny as it sounds, the only one that can solve your problems is you. However, if you DO need help there are professionals for that. 

 

Now, as with everything there needs to be a balance between external validation, and internal confidence. I found that too much of either really hurts you both socially and professionally. I recommend that you do the following things:

 

1. Find something that you're really good at. Practice it and become even better at it. If you're good enough, you might even be able to teach others in a more or less formal setting. Trust me, there are very few things that make you feel better than having your "students" understand and correctly apply what you have taught them. 

 

2. Diversify. This may sound contrary to point 1, but you need to increase your amount of activities, and if you feel that you're already loaded up on that front, delve into them deeper. Why? If you know a little about many things, then you'll be able to connect to most people. This is important, because it gives you different perspectives on things. From this common interest you can then forge a friendship that lasts a lifetime. 

 

3. Be realistic. Most people have very few REALLY good friends, the kind of friend that would go through fire for you. Is that bad? No, not really. It's just the way things are. That does not mean that you can't be friends with more people, but just be realistic with your expectations. Another thing to consider is that building such a friendship takes time. A looooooong time.  

 

As for your salary goals, I think you need to be realistic. I know that having a set goal to work towards is nice, but sometimes the world just conspires against you and you get screwed. If you truly know that you did everything that you could to reach your goal, then there should be no reason to be sad, as well, you tried your best. 

post #29 of 43
Quote:
Originally Posted by Miles Teg View Post

I hate to be a downer but 29-30 is more like a one-third life crises.
But maybe this will help:

thanks for sharing this. I found the 7 years part very useful
post #30 of 43

I'm in favour of travelling alone in order to explore yourself, or in other words get it together. If you're entitled to take a sabbatical leave or have enough money to travel on your own dime for a few months then I would suggest indulging yourself abroad. That is not to say to go on a three month bender, but take the time to reflect upon yourself, pick up the local language, build upon your social skills and expand your social network, and relax for a while.

Although I wasn't raised in an affluent family, my parents funded a trip to Japan alone for three months after I graduated high school. I had a difficult time in high school, as most people do. I decided to take the time to get it together, although I'm not all there yet, I think I'm an all rounded and well adjusted person.

As a side note, the trip to Japan gave me the impetus to apply to music school. I had originally planned to study medicine upon my return, but it didn't seem like the right thing to do. I realise I'm going to be chronically unemployed, and that scares me a lot; even though I've acquired a taste for things which come with a higher price tag, I'm confident I did the right thing -- I'm still young enough to change my mind.

In regards to offering something and contributing to a friendship, it's also admirable to display and inspire others through noble characteristics, rather than taking it upon yourself to offer them a service. Are you merely accessible or are you open to your friends?

I apologise if I'm coming down hard on you, especially since it's my first post on any forum in a long time. Take care of yourself.

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