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How much to change wedding to accommodate family? - Page 2

post #16 of 31
To echo the Geek, you should elope but only if you are absolutely certain that your wife to be is fine with that. Weddings are part of a womans dream life from about the age of 3. Better to put up with whatever short term bullcrap a wedding throws at you than to shortchange your wife on something that may be very important to her. Plus its good practice for your new life of constantly putting up with short term bullcrap to accomodate your wifes wishes. Might as well start now.

But whats the problem? You seem to have come up with a perfectly fine work around for your sisters religious needs. If she still wont go for it after going to the trouble of putting her up a mile from the wedding etc.. then Im going to side with Globe and say fuck her.

Do what your future wife wants. Personally I would elope.
post #17 of 31
Thread Starter 
The fiancee actually told me about it and said she really didn't know and that if I had a strong opinion one way or the other we should go with that. We're actually torn about it. I mean it sounds better and better. I emailed her that I was reconsidering it earlier today and she said she was too and was glad I brought it up.
post #18 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by mordecai View Post

The fiancee actually told me about it and said she really didn't know and that if I had a strong opinion one way or the other we should go with that. We're actually torn about it. I mean it sounds better and better.

hey, you want me to talk to your sister?


seriously, think carefully if you want to give up your wedding plans for your sister. also, will this make you her bitch for the rest of your life?
post #19 of 31
Thread Starter 
lol, it isn't that. i have no problem telling her "sorry, you decide if you want to be there." it's just how the conversation got started and now that it has started it's seeming like not a bad idea. Start our marriage having spent thousands of our own dollars for the wedding or start it with a nice honeymoon, maybe a nice dinner for close family and friends, and a lot more money in the bank. Or with our own house and no debts owed to anyone but the bank.
Edited by mordecai - 9/24/12 at 3:09pm
post #20 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by redcaimen View Post

Do what your future wife wants.

This. The saying is "happy wife, happy life", not "happy sister, happy life."

But do continue to offer your sister reasonable (even more than reasonable) accommodation for her religious preferences. Take the high road, act like the good guy, and leave it to the rest of your family to tell her she is being ridiculous. She will come around.
post #21 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by mordecai View Post

lol, it isn't that. i have no problem telling her "sorry, you decide if you want to be there." it's just how the conversation got started and now that it has started it's seeming like not a bad idea. Start our marriage having taken on thousands in debt for the wedding or start it with a nice honeymoon, maybe a nice dinner for close family and friends, and several thousand dollars in the bank. Or with our own house and no debts owed to anyone but the bank.

ok, can't argue there. but the offer is still open...
post #22 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by mordecai View Post

it's just how the conversation got started and now that it has started it's seeming like not a bad idea. Start our marriage having taken on thousands in debt for the wedding or start it with a nice honeymoon, maybe a nice dinner for close family and friends, and several thousand dollars in the bank. Or with our own house and no debts owed to anyone but the bank.

This is a fine outcome as well. As long as it's really what BOTH you and your wife want.
post #23 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by globetrotter View Post

ok, let me get in here for a second- there are two reasons that she wouldn't attend on saturday, and you have to think about which one it is
1. as a religious jew, she can't travel on saturday and so she can't get to the location. that is not a trivial thing, if she simply doen't ever get in a car, and there is no way to get to the location without driving, then she won't be able to attend without breaking her position on her faith. if this is the case, can you find a place for her to stay that is close? that would be the correct comprimise - for the sake of her brother, she should be willing to discomfort herself somewhat - walk a long distance, sleep in a shitty motel, etc. that is perfectly reasonable. if there is no other option, then you have to think about that, too. if you are having your wedding someplace that is simply impossible to approach without a car, and this is the reason that she isn't attending, then she isn't being unreasonable.
. . .

Quote:
Originally Posted by mordecai View Post

It's this one. I wrote to her this morning explaining that we couldn't have the wedding on a Sunday, but that I had done some research and could put her family up in a hotel a mile from a shul and the house where the wedding will be, then arrange to have them driven back afterwards. I also offered to do whatever I could to make it easier for them to attend. Guess I'll see what she says.
My fiancee is almost as atheist as I am but without having been raised religious and she can't really understand the rules of faith. She was grudgingly willing to compromise and have the wedding on Labor Day Sunday, but that would cause problems for some poorer friends and family that we want to attend and we can't afford to buy all of them plane tickets. Any of them really.
This is the right response. I read the rest of the thread and, eloping aside, if you go the wedding-on-Saturday-and-accommodate-her-as-best-you-can route, she will eventually come around and attend, though I have no doubt she will be uncomfortable at times (like with the food, music, microphones and dancing). Also, the idea that you and your sister inevitably won't talk to each other in ten years because of religious differences is stupid (sorry Globe). Every family is different and lots of families manage to accommodate differences (I say from personal experience). Sometimes it works and sometimes not.
post #24 of 31
ok, but you have to promise me that if you do elope, you call your sister and say "it's your fault my wife won't get the wedding of her dreams, you owe me big time" and then milk it for the next 20 years, including making them come to your house for passover and puting butter on the table. please.
post #25 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by dopey View Post

This is the right response. I read the rest of the thread and, eloping aside, if you go the wedding-on-Saturday-and-accommodate-her-as-best-you-can route, she will eventually come around and attend, though I have no doubt she will be uncomfortable at times (like with the food, music, microphones and dancing). Also, the idea that you and your sister inevitably won't talk to each other in ten years because of religious differences is stupid (sorry Globe). Every family is different and lots of families manage to accommodate differences (I say from personal experience). Sometimes it works and sometimes not.

yes, well, dopey is probably right
post #26 of 31
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by globetrotter View Post

ok, but you have to promise me that if you do elope, you call your sister and say "it's your fault my wife won't get the wedding of her dreams, you owe me big time" and then milk it for the next 20 years, including making them come to your house for passover and puting butter on the table. please.

LOL
post #27 of 31
I would keep it on Sat and offer suggestions to have you sis there the day before so she could attend.
post #28 of 31
globe's sentiments towards his own sister are strong in this thread!

Mord, Know how much my wedding will cost me? $350! That ignores the vacation cost but we'd have taken a vacation no matter what. Even for her dress she's elected to go with a simple white affair and i'm just doing the slacks and white linen shirt thing since we're being married on an empty white sand beach in front of the house we've rented on an undeveloped island in the caribbean.

It sounds like you're not paying for your wedding, or are at least are getting substantial help, but give it serious thought. Who wants unnecessary debt? Especially in these times, it would make sense to start life with her unencumbered. As you're a man, I'm assuming that you're not very sentimental about the whole wedding ceremony thing, but Globe is right about their childish wedding dreams so don't do any hard selling on this... Definitely float the idea by saying something like "wouldn't it be nice to just elope?" after you finish discussing your PITA sister? Plant the seed and see where it goes.
post #29 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by GQgeek View Post

Elope! (Unless your wife will hold it against you forever)
I'm eloping in less than a month's time. Saving tons of money vs a traditional wedding. icon_gu_b_slayer[1].gif To appease family we're having a dinner with each side. They're separated by thousands of miles anyway so having people attend was always going to be impractical and we don't want to spend the money.

russian mail order bride?

j/k, geek.. congratulations!

Quote:
Originally Posted by mordecai View Post

lol, it isn't that. i have no problem telling her "sorry, you decide if you want to be there." it's just how the conversation got started and now that it has started it's seeming like not a bad idea. Start our marriage having spent thousands of our own dollars for the wedding or start it with a nice honeymoon, maybe a nice dinner for close family and friends, and a lot more money in the bank. Or with our own house and no debts owed to anyone but the bank.

still have to consider that almost every woman wants that walking down the aisle in a gown thing at least once in their life even if they're saying they're fine without it.
post #30 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by acidboy View Post

still have to consider that almost every woman wants that walking down the aisle in a gown thing at least once in their life even if they're saying they're fine without it.

this. Even if she says she's ok with it and you believe her, tread cautiously.
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