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How much to change wedding to accommodate family?

post #1 of 31
Thread Starter 
We want to have our wedding on Saturday for all of the obvious reasons. But my sister is very religious and this might interfere with her ability to attend. I feel like it's silly to get hung up on our desires for the reception over the faith of a member of my family, but I also have never liked or understood her devotion and I cannot help but feel like it would be absurdly selfish of her to potentially refuse to come if we didn't change the entire event to accommodate her. Help.
post #2 of 31
as a formerly devout and studiously practicing religious person, I find it totally absurd that your sister would put whatever religious tradition or ceremony over family. I do not believe that is the essence of any form of religion, except for the ones catering to the crazies. so how close are you with your sister? and what does your fiance think?
post #3 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by acidboy View Post

as a formerly devout and studiously practicing religious person, I find it totally absurd that your sister would put whatever religious tradition or ceremony over family. I do not believe that is the essence of any form of religion, except for the ones catering to the crazies. so how close are you with your sister? and what does your fianceE think?

Unless Mordy is marrying a man, which would certainly make the religion thing even more interesting.

Mordecai - it's your wedding, you guys are (presumably) shelling out the money, taking the time to organize this thing, etc., stick to your guns and have it on Saturday. Unless, of course, your fianceE is completely fine with changing it, and you want to change it.

Really, if she doesn't come, who will regret it more in ten years? You or her?
post #4 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by FLMountainMan View Post

Unless Mordy is marrying a man, which would certainly make the religion thing even more interesting.
Unless, of course, your fianceE is completely fine with changing it, and you want to change it.
Really, if she doesn't come, who will regret it more in ten years? You or her?

It would be fiancée in that case.

Anyway, go forward with your plans. It is likely that there will be others, some close to you or your partner, on your guest list that won't be able to attend due to conflicts. You cannot accomodate everyone. I know nothing of you or your soon-to-be wife, let alone your sister, but this sounds like attention seeking behavior. Your sister isn't the star and she's diverting your attention to herself.

We had a similar issue at our wedding. A number of people from my wife's side claimed that the date we chose would be far better the following week. We chose a date 9 months in advance, before anyone had booked vacations or anything else. My wife's uncle still chose to go on his vacation and missed our wedding, but there was no way I could accomodate everyone. It went on as scheduled and everyone got over it.

Good luck with the planning!
Edited by HansderHund - 9/20/12 at 9:46am
post #5 of 31
post #6 of 31
Edit - nm not much to add here
post #7 of 31
ok, let me get in here for a second- there are two reasons that she wouldn't attend on saturday, and you have to think about which one it is


1. as a religious jew, she can't travel on saturday and so she can't get to the location. that is not a trivial thing, if she simply doen't ever get in a car, and there is no way to get to the location without driving, then she won't be able to attend without breaking her position on her faith. if this is the case, can you find a place for her to stay that is close? that would be the correct comprimise - for the sake of her brother, she should be willing to discomfort herself somewhat - walk a long distance, sleep in a shitty motel, etc. that is perfectly reasonable. if there is no other option, then you have to think about that, too. if you are having your wedding someplace that is simply impossible to approach without a car, and this is the reason that she isn't attending, then she isn't being unreasonable.

2. jews don't, traidtionally, have weddings on saturday. if this is the reason she doesn't want you to, then fuck her.

3. you have to decide what is more important to you - to piss off your sister, and possibly create a tear in your relationship that won't be fixed, or to comprimise, I hate my sister. I tried to comprimise for my wedding, and she still tried to ruin it and pissed me and my wife off. so, if I were you I'd send her an envelope full of shit just to emphasise your position. but you could decide that your relationship is more important.

4. in 10 years, you probably won't see your sister very much, especitally if she is religous and you are secular. you'll talk to her a few times a year, and that's about it. you'll see your wife every day.


so, I lean towards the fuck you side
post #8 of 31
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by globetrotter View Post

ok, let me get in here for a second- there are two reasons that she wouldn't attend on saturday, and you have to think about which one it is
1. as a religious jew, she can't travel on saturday and so she can't get to the location. that is not a trivial thing, if she simply doen't ever get in a car, and there is no way to get to the location without driving, then she won't be able to attend without breaking her position on her faith. if this is the case, can you find a place for her to stay that is close? that would be the correct comprimise - for the sake of her brother, she should be willing to discomfort herself somewhat - walk a long distance, sleep in a shitty motel, etc. that is perfectly reasonable. if there is no other option, then you have to think about that, too. if you are having your wedding someplace that is simply impossible to approach without a car, and this is the reason that she isn't attending, then she isn't being unreasonable.

It's this one. I wrote to her this morning explaining that we couldn't have the wedding on a Sunday, but that I had done some research and could put her family up in a hotel a mile from a shul and the house where the wedding will be, then arrange to have them driven back afterwards. I also offered to do whatever I could to make it easier for them to attend. Guess I'll see what she says.

My fiancee is almost as atheist as I am but without having been raised religious and she can't really understand the rules of faith. She was grudgingly willing to compromise and have the wedding on Labor Day Sunday, but that would cause problems for some poorer friends and family that we want to attend and we can't afford to buy all of them plane tickets. Any of them really.
post #9 of 31
Thread Starter 
So as it turns out it is half practical consideration and half Jewish tradition for her. So I think my half accommodating/half "fuck you" response is the way to go. At this point however (there are other tiny snags besides this), we're starting to wonder if we shouldn't just elope confused.gif
post #10 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by mordecai View Post

So as it turns out it is half practical consideration and half Jewish tradition for her. So I think my half accommodating/half "fuck you" response is the way to go. At this point however (there are other tiny snags besides this), we're starting to wonder if we shouldn't just elope confused.gif

don't do anything that you don't want just because your sister pissed you off. but, yes, fuck her.
post #11 of 31
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by globetrotter View Post

don't do anything that you don't want just because your sister pissed you off. but, yes, fuck her.

You should see the non-responsive essay she sent me about how important it is that I start my marriage by observing her belief in the purpose of the Sabbath. Not rude at all, but completely attempts to change the conversation that I started with a very polite but clear "It will be on Saturday. How can we make it easier on you?" message

My fiancees parents actually suggested eloping (which is what they did). They basically said "well, if it is too much of a pain, we can just give you guys the money we were going to put towards the wedding or forgive the loan we gave you for your house."
post #12 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by mordecai View Post

My fiancees parents actually suggested eloping (which is what they did). They basically said "well, if it is too much of a pain, we can just give you guys the money we were going to put towards the wedding or forgive the loan we gave you for your house."

tough postion. On the one hand, it's very tempting to take the money for what is a good and somewhat smart purpose.

on the other hand, it's kind of saying "fuck this, it's such a pain in the ass for everybody, including us, that we're just taking the money and putting it elsewhere. We will maybe let you know if we eventually get married down at city hall". Unless, of course, you just resign to staying together but never actually getting married, which will also annoy plenty of family anyways.


the whole planning process is usually full of snags of all sorts. We basically said "fuck all of these requests" and did our own thing and everybody had a good time (which is the point).
post #13 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by mordecai View Post

You should see the non-responsive essay she sent me about how important it is that I start my marriage by observing her belief in the purpose of the Sabbath. Not rude at all, but completely attempts to change the conversation that I started with a very polite but clear "It will be on Saturday. How can we make it easier on you?" message
My fiancees parents actually suggested eloping (which is what they did). They basically said "well, if it is too much of a pain, we can just give you guys the money we were going to put towards the wedding or forgive the loan we gave you for your house."

Elope! (Unless your wife will hold it against you forever)

I'm eloping in less than a month's time. Saving tons of money vs a traditional wedding. icon_gu_b_slayer[1].gif To appease family we're having a dinner with each side. They're separated by thousands of miles anyway so having people attend was always going to be impractical and we don't want to spend the money.
post #14 of 31
well, I might not be the most impartial, but I would say you want to make it clear to your sister that you have your own way of understanding your religion, and she has fuck all of a say in the matter.
post #15 of 31
one thing that surprised me with wedding planning was how willing people were to help out by telling you what they think you should do.
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