According to Modern Drunkard (http://www.moderndrunkardmagazine.com)
, you might be an alcoholic if:
Your friends accuse you of "acting weird" whenever they meet you sober.
Gin is your tonic.
You joined AA because you heard you could get sponsorship for your drinking.
You've stopped drinking, but only when you're asleep.
Your plan to move to New Orleans during hurricane season is based entirely upon the possibility of getting "trapped" in a bar.
You use your cuff links as curb feelers.
Everyone thinks you're bilingual.
You match your outfit to the liquor you plan on drinking.
You resolve to call your local councilman and complain about the city's ill-advised policy of putting lampposts in the middle of the road.
You call an ex-friend at 3am to ask what he meant by that remark last July.
You were genuinely excited about Cingular's "More bars in more places" promise until you found out they were talking about cell phones.
You drank so much beer last night you single-handedly wore out a fresh urinal cake.
The cops set up a DUI checkpoint in your driveway.
Your streetside recycling company has to bring an extra truck.
You'd never steal a fellow drunk's drink, but you do occasionally "adopt orphans."
You only drink socially, except when you're alone.
Interventions have become so frequent that you just leave the folding chairs set up in your living room.
You have a lot of respect for that 80-year-old guy at the end of the bar, but you know from experience that he's a dirty fighter.
You got in a fist fight with a wino over how long a bottle of Thunderbird should be allowed to "breathe".
Your friends often substitute "Good night" with "Hey, you can't sleep here."
Your favorite drinking game is Do A Shot Every Time You Do A Shot.
Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six-pack and a pizza.
When your boss asks you to work overtime you demand time and a fifth.
A liter of scotch isn't enough to invite a friend over for a drink.
Your first science fair project was a still.
You know most the of people in a bar and can't remember one of their names.
You think of drinking beer as "sobering up,"
You enjoy cooking with wine, and sometimes you even put it in the food.
You've been cut off during communion.
You keep a bottle of liquor next to your bed so you can have breakfast in bed when you wake up.
You consider anything less than 80 proof a chaser.
When you come home to find your house burglarized the first thing you check is your liquor cabinet.
You play the same song 20 times in a row at top volume at three in the morning and are certain the neighbors don't mind because, you know, it's such a kick-ass song.
You watch Behind the Music and think "That's really not that much alcohol."
The bartender is in the weeds and you're the only person in the bar.
You get nervous when there are only three bottles of liquor left in your house.
You have never taken a drink of a non-alcoholic beverage without thinking, "Man, a splash of booze would fix this right up."
You dressed as a wino for halloween and no one noticed.
You like to stop for a drink on the way to the fridge to get a beer.
You've asked a bartender to "freshen up" your shot glass.
You occasionally have meals with your wine.
Your favorite bar installed a seat belt on your barstool.
Whenever someone in a suit spills your well bourbon it magically transforms into top shelf scotch on the way to the floor.
You have never screwed a cap back onto a liquor bottle.
You were against going to war with Iraq until you found out those poor fuckers aren't allowed to drink.
You like a splash of coffee in your morning whiskey.
You prefer cold showers because the ice in your drink doesn't melt as fast.
You're definition of a problem drinker is guy who won't buy you a round.
You refer to your mouth as your "booze hole."
Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
You only drink to get rid of hangovers, and sometimes it takes all night.
You get so drunk Bud Light starts tasting like beer.
You think vomiting is the body's way of making room for the next round.