Summary: A while ago a lady showed up at my door with two children saying they were mine. (They are Diderik and Merchant, ages 11 and 8 respectively.) I'd only dated the woman a few years prior, but that didn't occur to me at the time, so when she said I should take responsibility and raise Diderik and Merchant, I didn't refuse. When I got a DNA test, the results showed that they were cats. I don't think that's true though because they have the traits of humans. (Diderik likes Def Leppard, for example. Cats don't like Def Leppard even though there's a veiled reference to a cat in the name.)
Screw you, Dad. How many times do I have to tell you to stop calling me a cat.