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On suicide - Page 7

post #91 of 153
Quote:
Originally Posted by edinatlanta View Post

So I am sure I know someone who killed themselves, but I can't think of it at the moment.
The one thing I kinda haven't told anyone about is that for basically the last two years, every time I went to bad, and every time I woke up I thought about killing myself. And not just like, a fleeting thought, like I thought about where I'd do it, how, everything for a good minute or two and it was basically uncontrollable. If I was lucid at night it would just pop into my head. And then all of a sudden it just stopped a few weeks ago.
Its kinda scared me pretty hard. Dunno what to do about it or anything.

Tell your doctor, they can help you with this. Do it today.
post #92 of 153
Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by edinatlanta View Post

So I am sure I know someone who killed themselves, but I can't think of it at the moment.
The one thing I kinda haven't told anyone about is that for basically the last two years, every time I went to bad, and every time I woke up I thought about killing myself. And not just like, a fleeting thought, like I thought about where I'd do it, how, everything for a good minute or two and it was basically uncontrollable. If I was lucid at night it would just pop into my head. And then all of a sudden it just stopped a few weeks ago.
Its kinda scared me pretty hard. Dunno what to do about it or anything.

Quote:
Originally Posted by texas_jack View Post

Tell your doctor, they can help you with this. Do it today.

+1

This isn't ok, Ed. Everyone has bad stretches, but you're talking about suicidal ideation, and that's not good at all. You need to talk to someone.
post #93 of 153

If you're just being philosophical about suicide then read Albert Camus The Myth of Sisyphus. Camus thought that the question of whether or not to off one's self was the most important philosophical question a man can ask.

 

If you're truly wondering whether life is worth living then you should talk to a doctor or other mental health pro.  No shame in it at all. 

post #94 of 153
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrG View Post

+1
This isn't ok, Ed. Everyone has bad stretches, but you're talking about suicidal ideation, and that's not good at all. You need to talk to someone.

Quote:
Originally Posted by texas_jack View Post

Tell your doctor, they can help you with this. Do it today.

Quote:
Originally Posted by acidboy View Post

you still have this, ed? hope you snap the fuck out of it.

Thanks dudes. As I said, it just all of a sudden stopped. Like its really weird and... I dunno what that means. Also, making it stranger is I was like "OK I've had enough, I'm going to go talk to someone next week" (after I got paid) and then... it stopped.
post #95 of 153
**Edit** Will make a proper post.... not multiple posts.
post #96 of 153
Quote:
Originally Posted by acidboy View Post

dammit this is the most depressing thread in the forum.

+2. I don't know what I expected clicking on the thread; I guess a mildly philosophical discussion of the Durkheim book? I dunno...
Quote:
Originally Posted by handsolo View Post

If you're just being philosophical about suicide then read Albert Camus The Myth of Sisyphus. Camus thought that the question of whether or not to off one's self was the most important philosophical question a man can ask.
If you're truly wondering whether life is worth living then you should talk to a doctor or other mental health pro.  No shame in it at all. 

I agree with the second part over the first. If you're just having some existential blues in your early 20's... read the Camus. If you're really having a tough time living your life, or it is affecting your ability to focus, then it's much more than just existential blues .

I agree, see a doctor, get help, do WHATEVER it takes, even if it involves medication or some other treatment. The stigma and "weakness" attached to seeking help in times of trouble is truly shocking, and recent research reports show how little we are actively in "control" of all of these things (in short, "nature" is in a lot more control than "nurture," despite all that crap we read about free will and choice.)

So, the idea that somebody can just "man up" or "go exercise" off suicidal depression is nuts. Get help, whatever it takes, and don't even spend a moment worrying what somebody else might say about it.
post #97 of 153
Quote:
Originally Posted by gort View Post

Wow sorry to hear about your friend. RE: the number in your phone, I kept my dad's cell number in my phone for years after he died. I even tried calling it a few times after he passed just to hear his voicemail greeting. Eventually it was disconnected but for the first few weeks it was still there. frown.gif

Very touching anecdote. I think most of us here would have done the same.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackhood View Post

Tried it a couple of times. Never had the stones to actually succeed though.
It has always confused me that suicide is the "cowards way out". Naturally it takes strength to go through shit and keep standing but there were two main arguments that always struck me while I was going through it:
1. It takes some serious, concious, full-on truth telling to do it. How often can you honestly say that you'e made a decision with every cell in your body? Each pill you swallow is a behaviour that has to truly reflect your dearest wish in life. Saying "I Do" on your wedding day, signing that mortgage? They all have doubt, even if its just that 1%. But the day you choose to end it all? Its a moment of assertiveness in what is usually a sea of uncertainty, difficulty and pointlessness. Maybe it is the cowards way out, but but 99% of you wouldn't have the balls to open that door.
2. What if it is a rational choice? What if you genuinely believe that your life has reached and surpassed a climax and that the only potential future is one that you will find unfulfilled and humiliating? What if you aren't depressed, but have decided that you have no use for this "gift" of life that was forced upon you?
MASSIVE FUCKING NOTE: I do not, nor would I ever, advocate suicide. I just believe that having gone through it that people have little to offer but platitudes which are really of no help to anyone. "things will get better" and "you have so much to live for" mean nothing to someone who has considered killing themselves for more than 4 hours. Looking at the rationale through a paradigm of something other than pity could help anyone who has to deal with this issue with a loved one.

First, let me applaud you for being honest and coming forward with such a personal experience (I'll touch on this more later).

1. Never heard an explanation like this regarding suicide, but makes sense. You're absolutely right, when making decisions in life, no matter how small or how big, there is always some level of uncertainty. It's usually washed away with the idea of some comfort ("Well, if I make the wrong decision, it's not the end of the world....") mantra. Then there are very few things in life that your decision has no grey area. It's one way, or the other.

2. You hit on another important aspect here. The clichés of "you have so much to live for" and "things will get better" are empty phrases when talking to someone who honestly feels they have reached a point in their life where they cannot find happiness. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for trying to find hope in things, to feel that things will indeed get better. But I think a case can be made that if a person has made a decision, that sometimes those hopeful statements fall flat.
Quote:
Originally Posted by I am DIL View Post


Heavy frown.gif .


The kind of despair one must feel in order to take their own life in such a way is unimaginable.

My mother is a social worker turned counsellor/chaplain, so she deals with suicides a couple of times a month. She's still, after 40 years, deeply and profoundly affected by it.

Your mother has taken on a job for 40 years that would emotionally crush 99% of us after a year. Your mother is one hell of a person to be able to do that profession for so long and maintain some level of normalcy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FLMountainMan View Post

I went through the same thing, never went through with trying it, but go to the point where my roommate would call me all the time to check up on me.
The worst part was hearing from the few people I opened up to that "How can you think that way? You've got so much to live for. Any of us would kill to be in your shoes." My immediate thought would always be "great, if I'm not happy now, then, when will I ever be?" or more self-loathing about what an ungrateful person I was being. Ugh. Depression's awful. When you have severe depression, it's like how Steve Earle's character "Waylon" described addiction in The Wire. You have something inside that wants to kill you. And it will always be there.
That’s a very poignant statement. It’s difficult to describe the feeling a person has when the thoughts of suicide run rampant through their mind. That feeling of something uncontrollable inside you is consuming you and you feel helpless against it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackhood View Post

Yeah I am, things are better now thanks.
Never think that its out of your hands. One of the most supportive things I had were parents who understood (and had also been through depression). They didn't ask questions, just got my to see a spych and worked on distracting me by going on days out and making me do tasks around the house all day. You'd be amazed at home much a good support network and keeping busy can do for someone who is suffering from depression. Its not about getting to the "root" of a problem or having a guard day and night, its about having a few hours each day where that animal inside of you isn't clawing its way out through your chest.
Amen. Glad you got through it. IMHO its all about finding things to do that mean you never fall back into the darkest thought patterns, but there is always that sneaking feeling that if you let your guard down you might suddenly slip back....
Glad to hear things are better for you.
And well stated in the bolded part. Those moments that you are alone, and seem to be running idle, are the times that these thoughts rear its’ ugly head. And I strongly feel that if these occurrences become more frequent, it will become even more difficult to contain and maintain the strength to not let your guard down.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SkinnyGoomba View Post

I feel that if you suffer through some of the terrible times, life rewards you for it. If I knew how my life would be now, I would never have been depressed in my late teens early 20's.
Not always the case, but yes, hopefully life rewards you with something that comforts ones’ past despair.
Quote:
Originally Posted by imatlas View Post

Suicide is the ultimate self-centered behavior. I've known too many, it breaks my heart to think about it.
Most view it this way and that is understandable.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Teacher View Post

It's certainly beneficial, but those studies tended to show that the depression and anxiety that was relieved was milder and, usually, situational. I was diagnosed with major depression and generalized anxiety disorder two years ago, and though I exercised regularly, I don't know how well I would have gotten through that period without the SSRI and Benzo that I was on.
A lot of times, it's the pressure (social, financial, etc.) of the "happy" event that triggers the suicide. I don't know if this was the case here, but that's fairly common. Think of all the people who commit suicide on or around Christmas. Terrible.
Thank you Teach for sharing something so personal with us. I hope you are still doing well.
And you are right about the whole “happy” event that triggers the suicide. I think it is because of these events that a person who is suffering from a severe form of depression or other illness feels inadequate because they have trouble finding happiness where most others seem to obtain. Almost like a form of envy. This then further perpetuates the feeling of depression and anxiety.
Quote:
Originally Posted by edinatlanta View Post

So I am sure I know someone who killed themselves, but I can't think of it at the moment.
The one thing I kinda haven't told anyone about is that for basically the last two years, every time I went to bad, and every time I woke up I thought about killing myself. And not just like, a fleeting thought, like I thought about where I'd do it, how, everything for a good minute or two and it was basically uncontrollable. If I was lucid at night it would just pop into my head. And then all of a sudden it just stopped a few weeks ago.
Its kinda scared me pretty hard. Dunno what to do about it or anything.
Funny that you shared this. I’ve been having very similar situations, typically right before bed. Maybe not as much thought in terms of how the whole idea of suicide would go down, but more of a building comfort of not being afraid of the thought of it. Which terrifies me. This has been occurring on and off for the past 5 years. Maybe a bit longer.

I'm glad to hear that things are better for you and that these thoughts are not happening to you anymore.
post #98 of 153
So, obviously I have stumbled upon this thread a little late. But this is one of the few threads on SF where I set aside time to read(start to finish) and absorb every post, not just glaze over it.

I thank you all for taking the time to share your personal stories of life that was lost and for those who weighed in with their own personal battles. Can only imagine that it wasn't easy. And it has given me food for thought to share my own. So again, thank you.

What was said in this thread was a real eye opener. The way depression and anxiety were described were way better than anything I could have conjured up. For the past 4-5 years, I've been battling with bouts of depression and anxiety. It has played a major factor in workplace performance(although somehow I managed to make it through...hit on that later), cost me a long term relationship with a woman that I loved, and has all but left most of my friendships in ruins.

Like edinatlanta mentioned, I will try and fall asleep at night only to have my mind kick into over drive about thoughts of suicide. At first this startled me and made me question how dare I would ever think of such a thing, as if it were taboo and unfathomable. And here I am today/tonight and these thoughts are second nature, as if it were another way of saying "How are you doing today?" and replying "I don't want to live anymore." I've never once tried or attempted anything.

And blackhood hit on some key points that really struck a chord. This "feeling" is almost like some sort of "thing", a physical presence that can cause chest pains, to lose breath, or to simply break you down and you physically collpase and breakdown in tears. It's falling into those dark patterns where your mind is left unaccounted for and it manifests itself into this "darkness". I battle this more often than I like to admit. In fact, continuing on being honest, I am battling with it right now. Currently at work because I don't want to go back to an empty home and be alone. Most of my evenings are spent at home, alone. Because of these bouts with depression, I've developed inadequate skills needed to survive social interaction. Anxiety kicks in, and the next thing I know I am trying to find a way out, sometimes leaving altogether and not saying proper goodbyes. It can go on for days without contact with anyone outside the workplace environment.

I keep thinking I've come to a point in my life, as some have stated as the climax, or post-climax, where I find it more and more difficult each day to try and find happiness, even in the littlest things. Next month I will be 30. I've felt the decisions made in life were for the best and ultimately, in the long run, were the right choices. I know people say life isn't always a set plan, but at this point, I thought I made it a purpose to get to a certain level happiness, and now, deconstructing everything, have failed miserably. I don't have kids. I don't have a significant other. I have a family that, while on paper, extends out quite a bit, but yet, suffers from such disconnect, that even support is hard to come by.

I apologize for rambling.
post #99 of 153
I've known quite a few suicides in my time. While I was up at Balliol, one guy I knew jumped off a train to kill himself. He was really more a friend of one of my best friends. Nice, quiet little fellow. Two other men I had known at Oxford took their lives after I left. My principal tutor for Roman History ate a shotgun about 15 years after I graduated--I liked him very much. I was re-reading his commentary on Books I to V of Livy recently. I don't think I could ever have done work that good had I stayed in academia--a great pity he had to smash that fine brain with a charge of #6s. One of my fellow Greatsmen at Balliol, who was in later years acclaimed as the most brilliant classicist of his era (and one of the few men I have known who could really give me an intellectual inferiority complex in the areas where I was good) committed suicide in a "very gruesome manner" although I have never learned the particulars.

My first wife committed suicide shortly after our marriage ended. From what her boyfriend told me, it appears she had gotten even nuttier after we ended our brief marriage and had threatened suicide the night before it happened. A likely reconstruction is that she turned on all the gas in what was meant to be a histrionic suicide attempt (perhaps the proverbial "cry for help) but forgot about the pilot light. An explosion ensued. She survived, horribly burned and mutilated, for about 10 days before she took the long trail.

Another suicide among my friends was the author, big-game hunter and adventurer Jack Lott, who gained posthumous fame for designing the .458 Lott cartridge. I can't fault him too much for this one. He was old and going blind, he was going to have to go on dialysis, he had no family and no really close friends (I am pretty sure). He shot himself. I think he used his Smith & Wesson .38 Special.

Some years later another gun writer whom I liked and respected enormously shot himself. His wife, to whom he was inordinately devoted, had been in failing health, and he had some physical problems as well. I think mostly he just couldn't bear to see his wife go under. Ironically, a few years earlier, I had been rather envious of that couple--devoted, enjoying early retirements, financially secure, I thought they had it "made." Shows the truth of old Solon's maxim, "Count no man happy until he is dead."

About six weeks after that a staff member at Guns & Ammo ate a shotgun. I don't know whether he was inspired by my aforementioned friend or not. He had evidently been suffering from a rather precipitous mental decline before that. This was a couple of years after I had left G&A. He had always had a fondness for the edgy and macabre, but while I knew him, he never displayed any signs of paranoia and delusion such as he later manifested.

The man who imported my first Tosa for me also turned a shotgun on himself after a quarrel with his wife. I had conversed with him on the telephone only a week or two before that, and he had sounded okay. A former Marine DI, he was about the last man you would expect to be a "Farewell, cruel world" type.

Not exactly a suicide, but a man who for many years was by far my closest friend, more or less deliberately drank himself to death. He had gone into a psychic decline when his mother died a few years earlier, and when his father died (at age 87), it became precipitous.
post #100 of 153
I think this thread needs a NSFM warning.... Not Safe for Mirth.

That being said, it shows just how much none of us are spared tragedy, and just how resilient our e-friends can be. Though the thread is depressing, it's also strangely comforting.
post #101 of 153
Quote:
Originally Posted by rach2jlc View Post

So, the idea that somebody can just "man up" or "go exercise" off suicidal depression is nuts. .

I agree in many cases, but in others, like my own, I disagree. Doing things to take my mind off it eventually pulled me out of it. I actually think that talking to someone about suicide is overrated. I realize that sounds nuts, but what can the person possibly say that will end the depression? If they prescribe drugs, that's one thing, but just talking about it isn't as helpful as it's made out to be. Just my experience.
post #102 of 153
^ good comment, I'll probably live another night now.

I don't know how anyone can truly delegitimise the rationality of suicidal thoughts, hence why saying there is so much to live for is just fucking annoying. The way I see it is when you're suicidal, you begin to either acknowledge everything you've had to ignore for your happiness, or stop being complacent about all the things you've had to accept about living.

Personally the only reason why I haven't killed myself thus far is that I have very little regard to my self worth, so to die to not die really makes no difference for me, but I only ever get to this kind if catharsis after an extremely gruelling catatonic phase
post #103 of 153
Quote:
Originally Posted by FLMountainMan View Post

I agree in many cases, but in others, like my own, I disagree. Doing things to take my mind off it eventually pulled me out of it. I actually think that talking to someone about suicide is overrated. I realize that sounds nuts, but what can the person possibly say that will end the depression? If they prescribe drugs, that's one thing, but just talking about it isn't as helpful as it's made out to be. Just my experience.

I agree that it is good to have things to take your mind off things, but I think also we have to distinguish between the shades of a very complex issue. There is malaise, melancholy, and it goes all the way to, literally, debilitating depression. In general, it's a good idea to keep yourself healthy and busy with exercise and work, but my point was only to say that suicidal thoughts and depression aren't easy things, and shouldn't be considered all just a case of "the blues."

You didn't do this, of course, but I've heard so many times people talk about "just go out and run it off" that I cringe...
post #104 of 153
Quote:
Originally Posted by Imhoff View Post

(...) Next month I will be 30. I've felt the decisions made in life were for the best and ultimately, in the long run, were the right choices. I know people say life isn't always a set plan, but at this point, I thought I made it a purpose to get to a certain level happiness, and now, deconstructing everything, have failed miserably. I don't have kids. I don't have a significant other. I have a family that, while on paper, extends out quite a bit, but yet, suffers from such disconnect, that even support is hard to come by.
I apologize for rambling.

Your situation sounds a bit like my best childhood friend at around the same age. We've drifted apart since then, but today he's married and has a 1-year-old daughter, and finally happy. I really need to get my ass down to visit him soon. It was really funny when he met her, too - I don't recall how they met but they knew each other in school, and he did something unusual and ran into her, and things changed from there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rach2jlc View Post

I think this thread needs a NSFM warning.... Not Safe for Mirth.
That being said, it shows just how much none of us are spared tragedy, and just how resilient our e-friends can be. Though the thread is depressing, it's also strangely comforting.

I think that once you hit a certain age, it's pretty well a given that some form of tragedy has hit your life and those of everyone around you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by FLMountainMan View Post

I agree in many cases, but in others, like my own, I disagree. Doing things to take my mind off it eventually pulled me out of it. I actually think that talking to someone about suicide is overrated. I realize that sounds nuts, but what can the person possibly say that will end the depression? If they prescribe drugs, that's one thing, but just talking about it isn't as helpful as it's made out to be. Just my experience.

Yeah, there are a lot of things I've thought about talking out but it doesn't change the underlying issues. If I bitch about the Mrs. not cleaning up around the house, that doesn't make the house cleaner when I get home.
post #105 of 153
Jeesh, hoff I just don't know what to say... Feel better, brah
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