Originally Posted by gort
Wow sorry to hear about your friend. RE: the number in your phone, I kept my dad's cell number in my phone for years after he died. I even tried calling it a few times after he passed just to hear his voicemail greeting. Eventually it was disconnected but for the first few weeks it was still there.
Very touching anecdote. I think most of us here would have done the same.
Originally Posted by Blackhood
Tried it a couple of times. Never had the stones to actually succeed though.
It has always confused me that suicide is the "cowards way out". Naturally it takes strength to go through shit and keep standing but there were two main arguments that always struck me while I was going through it:
1. It takes some serious, concious, full-on truth telling to do it. How often can you honestly say that you'e made a decision with every cell in your body? Each pill you swallow is a behaviour that has to truly reflect your dearest wish in life. Saying "I Do" on your wedding day, signing that mortgage? They all have doubt, even if its just that 1%. But the day you choose to end it all? Its a moment of assertiveness in what is usually a sea of uncertainty, difficulty and pointlessness. Maybe it is the cowards way out, but but 99% of you wouldn't have the balls to open that door.
2. What if it is a rational choice? What if you genuinely believe that your life has reached and surpassed a climax and that the only potential future is one that you will find unfulfilled and humiliating? What if you aren't depressed, but have decided that you have no use for this "gift" of life that was forced upon you?
MASSIVE FUCKING NOTE: I do not, nor would I ever, advocate suicide. I just believe that having gone through it that people have little to offer but platitudes which are really of no help to anyone. "things will get better" and "you have so much to live for" mean nothing to someone who has considered killing themselves for more than 4 hours. Looking at the rationale through a paradigm of something other than pity could help anyone who has to deal with this issue with a loved one.
First, let me applaud you for being honest and coming forward with such a personal experience (I'll touch on this more later).
1. Never heard an explanation like this regarding suicide, but makes sense. You're absolutely right, when making decisions in life, no matter how small or how big, there is always some level of uncertainty. It's usually washed away with the idea of some comfort ("Well, if I make the wrong decision, it's not the end of the world....") mantra. Then there are very few things in life that your decision has no grey area. It's one way, or the other.
2. You hit on another important aspect here. The clichés of "you have so much to live for" and "things will get better" are empty phrases when talking to someone who honestly feels they have reached a point in their life where they cannot find happiness. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for trying to find hope in things, to feel that things will indeed get better. But I think a case can be made that if a person has made a decision, that sometimes those hopeful statements fall flat.
Originally Posted by I am DIL
The kind of despair one must feel in order to take their own life in such a way is unimaginable.
My mother is a social worker turned counsellor/chaplain, so she deals with suicides a couple of times a month. She's still, after 40 years, deeply and profoundly affected by it.
Your mother has taken on a job for 40 years that would emotionally crush 99% of us after a year. Your mother is one hell of a person to be able to do that profession for so long and maintain some level of normalcy.
Originally Posted by FLMountainMan
I went through the same thing, never went through with trying it, but go to the point where my roommate would call me all the time to check up on me.
The worst part was hearing from the few people I opened up to that "How can you think that way? You've got so much to live for. Any of us would kill to be in your shoes." My immediate thought would always be "great, if I'm not happy now, then, when will I ever be?" or more self-loathing about what an ungrateful person I was being. Ugh. Depression's awful. When you have severe depression, it's like how Steve Earle's character "Waylon" described addiction in The Wire
. You have something inside that wants to kill you. And it will always be there.
That’s a very poignant statement. It’s difficult to describe the feeling a person has when the thoughts of suicide run rampant through their mind. That feeling of something uncontrollable inside you is consuming you and you feel helpless against it.
Originally Posted by Blackhood
Yeah I am, things are better now thanks.
Never think that its out of your hands. One of the most supportive things I had were parents who understood (and had also been through depression). They didn't ask questions, just got my to see a spych and worked on distracting me by going on days out and making me do tasks around the house all day. You'd be amazed at home much a good support network and keeping busy can do for someone who is suffering from depression. Its not about getting to the "root" of a problem or having a guard day and night, its about having a few hours each day where that animal inside of you isn't clawing its way out through your chest.
Amen. Glad you got through it. IMHO its all about finding things to do that mean you never fall back into the darkest thought patterns, but there is always that sneaking feeling that if you let your guard down you might suddenly slip back....
Glad to hear things are better for you.
And well stated in the bolded part. Those moments that you are alone, and seem to be running idle, are the times that these thoughts rear its’ ugly head. And I strongly feel that if these occurrences become more frequent, it will become even more difficult to contain and maintain the strength to not let your guard down.
Originally Posted by SkinnyGoomba
I feel that if you suffer through some of the terrible times, life rewards you for it. If I knew how my life would be now, I would never have been depressed in my late teens early 20's.
Not always the case, but yes, hopefully life rewards you with something that comforts ones’ past despair.
Originally Posted by imatlas
Suicide is the ultimate self-centered behavior. I've known too many, it breaks my heart to think about it.
Most view it this way and that is understandable.
Originally Posted by Teacher
It's certainly beneficial, but those studies tended to show that the depression and anxiety that was relieved was milder and, usually, situational. I was diagnosed with major depression and generalized anxiety disorder two years ago, and though I exercised regularly, I don't know how well I would have gotten through that period without the SSRI and Benzo that I was on.
A lot of times, it's the pressure (social, financial, etc.) of the "happy" event that triggers the suicide. I don't know if this was the case here, but that's fairly common. Think of all the people who commit suicide on or around Christmas. Terrible.
Thank you Teach for sharing something so personal with us. I hope you are still doing well.
And you are right about the whole “happy” event that triggers the suicide. I think it is because of these events that a person who is suffering from a severe form of depression or other illness feels inadequate because they have trouble finding happiness where most others seem to obtain. Almost like a form of envy. This then further perpetuates the feeling of depression and anxiety.
Originally Posted by edinatlanta
So I am sure I know someone who killed themselves, but I can't think of it at the moment.
The one thing I kinda haven't told anyone about is that for basically the last two years, every time I went to bad, and every time I woke up I thought about killing myself. And not just like, a fleeting thought, like I thought about where I'd do it, how, everything for a good minute or two and it was basically uncontrollable. If I was lucid at night it would just pop into my head. And then all of a sudden it just stopped a few weeks ago.
Its kinda scared me pretty hard. Dunno what to do about it or anything.
Funny that you shared this. I’ve been having very similar situations, typically right before bed. Maybe not as much thought in terms of how the whole idea of suicide would go down, but more of a building comfort of not being afraid of the thought of it. Which terrifies me. This has been occurring on and off for the past 5 years. Maybe a bit longer.
I'm glad to hear that things are better for you and that these thoughts are not happening to you anymore.