iPhone5 Defect Causes Global Crisis
San Francisco, CA - In a shocking turn of events today, the worldwide roll-out of Apple's new iPhone5 has caused wide-ranging social disturbances due to an unforeseen manufacturing defect. As the dateline of availability has swept westward across the globe, large crowds of new iPhone5 owners have streamed into public squares to protest, such as in front of the Sydney Opera House, where the massive crowd is estimated to be at least 23 teenagers.
One new owner characterized the manufacturing flaw as "this goopy paint job they used on the black cases". He went on to explain that "mate, this crap just peels right off. I waited in line at the Apple store for 3 weeks for this, and I spent a huge amount of my parent's money on it, and now it's all ruined! Shame on Apple! I'll never buy another product from Apple!. Well, maybe the mini-iPad when that comes out, but no more after that! I promise!" He also said that he would return his new phone for a white model, even though "I heard the white one reduces your testosterone level, but I don't care! I'm a college student. I have plenty to spare!"
Psychologist Alan Turing, of the Australian Mental Health Society, said a number of new social ills have arisen because of this defect. "We have been seeing reports of a rapid increase in problems for these new owners within their social circles, including higher unpopularity rates, increased sniping from their BFFs, girlfriends just walking away from their boyfriends, and long-term sleeplessness. I have also seen first-hand where many people have been fired from their jobs when their employers saw their new silver-edged black iPhone5."
Membership has surged in the newly-formed support group for unhappy iPhone5 owners, called the Disaffected iPhone Society (DiPS). "We encourage people who are dissatisfied with their new iPhones to visit our website, GTFU.ORG, to share their tragic stories with others in the same unfortunate circumstance," said Harley Whinemeister, spokesman for DiPS.
Apple did not respond to requests for information for this article, but did say on their website that "Users will be entranced with the experience of using their iPhone5 in the wild. The special anodizing process has enabled a new world of puffery and bloviating for mobile devices. Remember, every scratch tells a story."
Further details on this pandemic will be made available as they become known.