Quote:
Originally Posted by m@T
dude, you have been Quite The Grown Up lately
Alright so this one was mildly amusing:
9.
Introduce her to your friends as "some chick." Women love those special nicknames.
but maybe I am grown up because I just can't see the humour in most of the other lines about girls being like dogs and how to rough them up...
You want funny? Maybe it's because I'm married but I find these wife jokes someone sent me hilarious:
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A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in under 10 seconds."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.
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- I think that my wife died.
- Why's that?
- Sex is the same, but dishes are starting to stack up in the sink.
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One day at Lambeau Field (home of the Green Bay Packers), a journalist is stunned to find an empty seat at the 50 yard line, right on the aisle and just inches behind the Packer bench. Lambeau has sold out every Sunday for decades, and the guy couldn't believe that this of all seats was empty.
There was an older fellow sitting next to the seat and the reporter asked him if he knew what had detained the occupant.
"Well," he said, "this was my wife's seat. We came to games every week-- but she's dead now."
The journalist, probing a bit, said "but don't you have any friends that you could ask? There isn't a soul in Green Bay who wouldn't love to sit here today."
The old fellow said "Oh, yes, we had plenty of mutual friends. But they're all at the funeral today."
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Two businessmen are having lunch. One of them says, "oh, I had the worst Freudian slip on the flight back from New York. The flight attendant had these fantastic tits and when she asked me where I was from, I was so distracted that I said titsburg." The other business man says, "wow, that's pretty bad. I had a doozy the other day too. We were having dinner and I meant to ask my wife to pass the beans. Instead I said 'you stupid f**ing bitch, you've ruined my life!"
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A woman is stepping out of the shower as her husband is stepping in when the front doorbell rings. "Could you get that, Honey", he asks. So the wife goes to the door in a towel. When she opens it, it's their neighbor Bob standing in the doorway with a fistful of money. He says, "I'll give you $500 if you take off that towel". She thinks about it for a moment and considers that it's quite a lot of money for something so simple and harmless, so she agrees and takes off the towel. Bob gives her $500 cash and walks away. When she returns to the bathroom her husband asks, "Who was that at the door?". "It was Bob from next door", she replies. "Oh", he says, "did he say anything about that 500 bucks he owes me?"
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Q: What's the first thing women do when they return home from the battered women's shelter?
A: The dishes if they know what's good for them!
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Q: Why are divorces so expensive?
A: Because they're WORTH IT!
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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know
what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the head lights off before I get to the driveway. I shutoff the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to
prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!
"His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY???!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep.It Works Every Time!!!
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A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
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Follow-up:
A new wives store has opened up across the street:
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
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What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
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