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what do you do with a mother you can't stand? - Page 3

post #31 of 34
Firmly but politely set boundaries, practice developing supreme patience and understanding (the issues are primarily hers, not yours), and develop a support network of at least one good friend who will discuss your mother and allow you to vent. Also consider seeing a family counselor. Objective input from a stranger with experience and no agenda or personal stake in the matter can be very helpful.

My mother was always hypercritical and over the years I intentionally avoided contact for long time periods. A year and a half before she died it became obvious she couldn't continue caring for herself, so I moved her to a retirement home in the city where I live, with considerable trepidation. Since she had raised me and my brothers by herself since I was 9, I considered that I owed it to her to help care for her. I immediately made it clear that I wouldn't take any crap. For example, when she pointedly asked why I hadn't renewed her visa 8 months before the deadline, I told her that I had instead gotten all 12 of her prescriptions refilled, paid her bills, etc. because I thought these things took priority, and I would take care of the visa in good time. To my surprise, I also discovered that mom had mellowed some and I had changed over the years, so I had a rewarding, though emotionally and physically demanding, year and a half getting to know my mom in entirely different ways. It left me with a better understanding of my mom, an improved relationship, and no regrets.

It seems you face a more difficult situation, but think long-term. You don't want to be used, but you also want to be able to look back with no regrets. Developing a relationship with your mother that you can be comfortable with and maintaining it may be the hardest thing you've ever done, but it can be done. Hang in there.
post #32 of 34
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by acidicboy
It is hard to realize that your folks weren't the perfect Ozzie & Harriet Nelson we dream our parents to be, and realizing that they're also fucked up like the rest of us, now that's hard.

Believe me, I've never been under that delusion. I knew how fucked up my parents and their relationship was when I was 12.
post #33 of 34
Quote:
Originally Posted by GQgeek
Believe me, I've never been under that delusion. I knew how fucked up my parents and their relationship was when I was 12.

My realization came at around my 15th birthday.
post #34 of 34
after many years of therapy, and my mother having (and recovering from breast cancer) i am still unable to participate in a relationship with either of my parents. they suck the life out of me. perhaps my father's undiagnosed depression would be a start however they don't do therapy... so i feel your pain. no good answer.

good luck
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