what do you do with a mother you can't stand?

I can tolerate my mother in doses of about 5 minutes and that's pushing it. She inevitably finds ways to push my buttons, and she turns even the most trivial of discussions in to an argument that she has to win. She's impossible to reason with, always thinks she's right, and is frankly delusional.

She even manages me to piss me off on msn. I had her blocked for about a year and a half but started feeling a little guilty when my grandparents told me she was in a major depression so i decided i'd give her another chance but she's got a combative attitude that's just completely annoying to deal with.

She's on welfare, borrows money that she says she'll pay back but I know I'll never see again, and keeps making excuses for not selling the house (my dad had to stop paying the mortgage to even get it on the market). Now she's developed a tiny lump in her breast and is using that as an excuse to put everything off.

She's also heard that i moved in to a big new apartment and now she's joking about moving in. She's joking now but I can see where this is going. She's gonna end up delaying the sale of the house and my father will let the banks forclose so she'll be pennyless. She never worked, has no pension, etc. Yet, for someone that's never worked a real job, she's got this huge sense of entitlement.

Everyone says that you have to love your mother despite all her problems, but frankly, I just don't. I've done the good son thing out of some sort of feeling that I owed her, but i'm tiring of it rapidly after 3 years of trying to be reasonable with her to no avail...

Anyway, i had to vent cause i just spoke to her and she's infuriated me yet again. And I was having a pleasant sunday...

Well, you said that your grandparents said she was "in a major depression". There is a good chance that she is actually clinically depressed which would lead to the laziness and general apathy. Could you convince her to see a psychiatrist? If mental illness is at the root of her problems she is unlikely to ever change and it could actually get worse.

she's been in a depression of varying stages for the last 15 years, has been seeing a therapist for probably the same amount of time and she does take medication for it.

Still, it's her combative personality that makes her unpleasant to deal with, not her depression.

The arrogance and unwillingness to listen to anyone is a side-issue. It bankrupted my parents' hotel and it's gonna cost her what equity she has in her house too. And since she's never declared an income, that will leave her completely broke.

Her biggest problem is that she's always gotten everything she wanted by being this way. She's like a 55yr. old spoiled child that refuses to acknowledge her changed circumstances.

I hate having to deal w/ my mother too. My mom picks up every little thing to criticize me w/. Criticizing is fine when it comes occasionally, but going on for hours on end is just not acceptable. Hours on end seems like I'm exagerrating, but my mom is the kind that do not keep quiet and keeps talking, so my personal friends know how literal that statement is too.

I've learnt to tune her out since high school. Living and working in a different country also helps. However, so happens she is visiting this week and all has turned to shite. I am grateful for her being my parent, but shes just unbearable most of the time.

I find that its good to have my girlfriend around as well. It seems to tune my mom down a notch, because my mom engages in conversation w/ her rather than take 100% of the time to criticize me.

That's really a tough one GQ and since it's so personal, there is really no way to answer without resorting to some extent to generalities and platitudes. A man's relationship with his mother is one of the most complex and difficult ones around so everyone has their own experience and baggage. That said, you don't have to love your mother despite her shortcomings, I do think you need to respect her, accept her the way she is, and try to help her to the extent you can no matter what.

The argumentativeness is likely part of whatever mental health issues she may be dealing with. Just accepting it and letting her win whatever arguments and not fighting it is easier on the blood pressure. I'm sure the temptation is to cut all ties but life is short and unlilke friends, our family is something we can't choose. Being a good son is not something you owe just to her but you owe it to yourself as well.

I realize this is probably not too helpful to you but I wish you well.

"Throw her from the Train"...

I don't have any great advice, but I think that the best course is to give up your price and investment in that relationship. She's your mom, so she'll always be around. But it sounds like you've worked mightily to get financial independence, and now it's time to assert emotional independence. When she tries to criticize, just remind yourself that you simply are not like her, blood or no blood. Acknowledge to yourself that you will need other sources of support.

She may try to draw you into her problems, and staying away from that is a whole other set of problems. The first is not letting her get to you.

I do think you need to respect her

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How could you possibly respect a woman that GQgeek is describing? I could see myself loving, but not respecting.

I would cut all ties and completely disown her. The dictate that you must love your mother is one of the great sacred cows of our or any culture and is good for little other than manure.

Her behavior has already bankrupted a business; don't let it ruin your life.

If her ending up completely broke is the only thing that will teach her that her behavoir has consequences, then that's the tough-love thing to do. It sounds like she has problems that require professional help. There are institutions for this, and it sounds like she would benefit from checking into one. Since she doesn't sound like someone who would be insured for such a contingency, perhaps you could look into insuring her so she can get help.

It may seem rather cold-hearted, but it would allow you to be a good son while also preserving your and everyone else's sanity.

If there's a reason to love and respect her then I definately think it's a great thing to have a relationship with your parents. I certainly do, but with my grandparents, absolutely not. The entire idea of blood doesnt have much meaning. If they don't do anything in return and you don't feel any real connection with them, there's absolutely no point in associating yourself with them. If you sever all ties that will force her to prove to you that she deserves your attention and love. If she doesn't, then she wouldn't be worth it anyways.

I wouldn't lend her another cent.

Originally Posted by Nantucket Red

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Since she doesn't sound like someone who would be insured for such a contingency, perhaps you could look into insuring her so she can get help.

I know it's not meant to be, but this is funny because not even the $500k house has been insured for the past 3-4 years. =/

My grandparents just called me up. They want me to invite my brother, sister, and mother over for christmas dinner at my place since they won't be doing it this year. I said I'd think about it but there's no way in hell i'm going to. Putting those three together is a sure-fire way to ruin christmas. I'd rather spend it alone.

Anyway, I have no love for the woman but it's hard to disown her since she did fight to send me to private schools and that sort of thing. I guess my question is at what point do you stop owing your parents?

Bleh. i need to go look at the japanese girls thread to take my mind off this **** ;p

Maybe it's because since I've become a father and I have developed a different kind of appreciation for my parents, I have a different view on this. Unless the woman is downright abusive (and it doesn't look that way from GQ's description), she is your mother and deserves more than to be treated like another person whom you can simply cut ties to when she behaves badly.

BTW Brian, by respect, I mean treating her with dignity and restraint even if she does not afford you the same. Recognize that she has problems and is not acting maliciously and accept that she is a pain in the -ss that you must somehow have a relationship with, while still preserving your sanity.

AFAIAC, the threshold for severing ties to one's parent is quite high and short of physical, sexual or repeated emotional abuse, I believe one owes it to their parents to continue having a relationship with them irrespective of their behavior. It's the same with kids.

Actually, you never do (stop owing them, that is). Anyway, I can't be of any help whatsoever, you should probably ask a therapist (not implying that you need one, but that they would have better insight into the emotional state of someone like your mother.)

One more thing: My mother developed a tiny lump in her breast; then she died, badly.

Regards,
Huntsman

Originally Posted by GQgeek

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I guess my question is at what point do you stop owing your parents?

Never.

Originally Posted by GQgeek

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Bleh. i need to go look at the japanese girls thread to take my mind off this **** ;p

Like you need an excuse.