Originally Posted by metkirk
My mind's scattered. Part of me wants to make her feel guilty by doing what I don't really know, part of me wants to forget it, part of me wants to wish her happiness, part of me wants to do this, do that... Which one will take over?
FWIW, some ramblings:
The one you choose or allow to "take over."
Wanting to make her feel guilty is understandable. However, she may feel guilty now. After all, she apologized. So what will you add to that? Make her feel worse? Let's say the apology was spurred on because of her truly feeling guilt. What good does that do you? Maybe it confirms that she does feel bad and that, in turn, makes you feel better in some way. Maybe a validation of sorts in that she has concern for you and that you aren't to be taken for granted. So an apology may bring some measure of resolve.
But if one is unsure of the apologist's sincerity, it's pretty much useless. How many times does another have to cheat until a line is crossed? Does an apology rectify that breach of trust? What's being accepted or learned through this? Is the transgression rationalized as if she's going through some sort of a phase? I mean, what is her responsibility to her choices? Who is going to freely support cheating in their relationship? Isn't once enough? Keep doing it and it's kind of a codependent, dysfunctional thing. And if that's the case, what are you getting out of it?
As the state of your mind may indicate, there's a lot going on. Otherwise, it's very...flippant, isn't it (she cheats, asked to not lie, etc., she cheats again, etc.)? An act of apology doesn't necessarily suggest sincerity. It may just be her trying to 'do the right thing' and feel better about herself and not have anything really to do with any hurt she caused another. After all, few people intend to hurt another. Cheesy as it may sound, look at yourself. Is it a pride thing,...or whatever that has you thinking about this? There's nothing noble or gracious in functioning as a doormat. Value yourself.
She didn't know something was, by most standards, less than 'right' in what she was doing or how she went about it? I find that almost impossible to believe. She then realizes she did something she would rather not have -or would rather have done in some other progression of events- and apologizes. Why does she do this? Apologies mostly benefit the one issuing the apology. Sometimes the apology is just given to fulfill some expected behavior. Think of the gravity of the mistake. Think of the sincerity of the apology. That is for you to judge. Can you honestly now say "all good" and move on? I'm not saying she's the worst person alive, etc., but she's making choices that don't have you in the mix. She feels no obligation to you. But you're there for her, it seems. What are you getting out of this arrangement?
I doubt you'll forget it. I'd suggest it's beneficial to not forget it. Not to say keep remembering it, but unless you are fully capable of letting it go fully -and I'm not sure I've ever met anyone who has that ability- you will unavoidably remember it. But while in the short term it doesn't feel good, wishing her happiness, though I see no obligation to expressly state this, and moving on (I would cease contact) will probably pay off in the long term.
Unfortunately, you "lost" this time, though presumably you did nothing "wrong." Doesn't feel good. But you can't make a person feel guilty. You can try, but it's still their call. There's no value in retribution here that's more than fleeting and it is, in a way, bringing yourself down to her level...or worse. So, don't do anything stupid. She will bring the guilt feelings upon herself. Maybe or maybe not. Maybe now or maybe later down the road.