Anybody Gain Swagger When Abroad? - Page 2

last time I was on a trip I slapped the chewing gum off the immigration counter guy's mouth for looking at me and my passport picture several times and sporting a scowl. basterd doesn't know his place.

You forgot to tell him that in Texas (the only real state where you're from) when you pull up to an ATM and press 2 for Spanish, a metal arm springs out with a 12 gauge attached and blows your fucking head off. Then, the lucky POS border hopper that escaped this beautiful, god fearing, 2nd amendment exercising contraption with half his face crawls out of a fucking dumpster and mops that shit up.

^i loled

I don't think these motherfuckers even know what an ATM is bro! They're school systems are so shitty that they don't learn all those big words. Well, actually, best school systems I ever saw were in Tokyo. I land there and get off the plane and knew the airline had fucked up cause there weren't any of those palefaced chicks with the silk bathrobes bowing at me. I went up to the nearest airline guy and was like "Seriously? It's cause I'm American that you're pulling this shit, right? How about I drop another atomic bomb on your asses, huh?" He couldn't take a joke at all and got all yelling and stuff. What a pansy. I didn't want to push it cause you know that dude's like a fifth degree black belt in karate, but I was hoping he'd get really mad and get one of those big sumo guys to come get me and try to take me to airport security. IF THAT MOTHERFUCKER COULD! Those sumo guys don't look all that big. Me and my friends weigh as much as they do and we wear pants, bitches! So I walk away from mickeyrooney yelling guy and try to get in the customer service line to bitch about the lack of silkbathrobe girls. But the line's huge and it's been like two hours since I ate last, so I decided to bail.
Swaggered on over to some fish restaurant and ordered a plate of rice and some green shit. Stupid motherfuckers gave me chopsticks. We're in the year 2011 and these stupid motherfuckers are eating with two pieces of wood bro! I was like LOL. Anyway, I did it like I do at home and just ate that shit by hand. I look around and everyone's trying not to stare. I know they're scared of me, afraid I'll send Steven Seagal back up in this bitch or something. So they're sitting around typing on all these black phone thingees. I caught a look at them. Holy bro - these guys were watching tv on their phones and shit! You know how those oriental people are with electronics. What would they ever do without us buying all their shit? They're like our slaves man! They keep selling it and we keep pumping out money! SUCKERS! They don't know we can always get more of those greenbacks, bitches!
Anyway, they're school systems might be better than the US, but I think it's only cause we got all these brown people and guys that don't speak english as well as us. Real Americans like me have that school shit on lockdown motherfucker!

MOAR MOAR!!!!! FLMM travel stories need their own thread please.

Hey guys - need some advice. Grandpa is sending me to Kenya this summer. Telling me to see if Obama was really born there, but who the hell cares? Why do people care so much about voting and shit? LOL. I got more important shit to do, like WINNING. Anyway, some of you have been sending me some pussyass pms telling me I need to be more culturally aware . (I know what you really mean is Un-American! FUCK YOU! ROCKFLAGANDEAGLE HELLYA motherfuckers! ). But, just to impress you, I'm going to try to learn their language . I know they all speak that clicky clack language, so I'm a bring one of those metal thingees to try to learn it. Anyone know a few basic phrases of that shit? I don't want to look like a complete idiot. Just enough to order at McD's and I'll handle the rest.

I also know that playing ball helped me make a lot of black friends back in high school, so I'm bringing my basketball shoes. You know those Kenyans just ball it up all the time. Why they can't win at the Olympics in basketball just shows how fucking awesome America is. I'm a little out of shape, but I can't wait to show those guys how an American plays ball and go all Brian Scalabrine on those bitches! :boxing: I also hear they like running. But I ain't doin' that shit. I mean WTF? How boring can you get? My doctor tells me to go jogging and I'm like - why bro? Henry Ford invented wheels for a reason man.

The last part of my little exporting American awesomeness project is gonna be exporting some food to these skinny little bastards. Now I'm not saying give them all Big Macs (hey keep that beef for people who deserve it - LIKE AMERICANS) and besides they might get all fat and stuff. Not everyone can rock two hundred and fifty pounds and still be a badass - it helps to be a US American, that's for damn sure. I'm saying, give them something healthy, like chicken mcnuggets. Only pussies eat white meat over here, but these Kenyans are starving so I'm sure they'll cope. Besides, they'll love friend chicken right? Actually, I love fried chicken too. That joke has always me. I'm like WTF? Why you let black people hog friend chicken? That stuff is good. Anyway, it's been like thirty years since all those white dudes with mullets got together and sang that "We are the World" song and solved all those people's problems. Typical America - you gotta problem? Yo, we'll solve it! So I'm going be bringing over an assload of chicken mcnuggets. Those Kenyans are gonna eat like never before!
Anyway, a little help on the language front would be appreciated.

Hahaha. Can we nominate countries to send FLMM to?

Touche.

Let me tell you sumthin' bout a little place called canada. Yea, I been there. Americans are fucking born cultured, so I thought i'd share a little world knowledge with these limp wristed fucks.

I step off the plane and just eye everyone the fuck down. If anyone even looks at me cross-eyed I fuckin' swarm 'em like mama on pie, lift up my shirt and point to my belt. They're usually checkin' out my buckle, a giant silver scroll with "we the people" engraved into it - right about then I correct their stupid ass accent -- "you see that, you son of a bitch? If we were back home there'd be a gun there and you'd be in the fucking ER, you and that little boy of yours". When he, or hopefully she, walks off I immediately shoulder my boombox and BAM!:

I'M A REAL A-MERICAN, FIGHT FOR THE RIGHTS OF EVERY MAN,
I'M A REAL A-MERICAN, FIGHT FOR WHAT'S RIGHT, FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!

If they haven't got the point yet, god help 'em. Some WENCH had the balls to approach me. I told her she's fuckin' lucky I don't suplex her bitch ass on the tarmac and sling her lifeless body 'round mah shoulder, stick old glory up her ass and parade her 'round the swap meat weekend at bernies style.

They probably don't even got fuckin' swap meats, they sure as hell have some pussy ass "super" markets tho. "WHERE ARE THE FUCKIN' HUNGRY MEN AND BUBBA BURGERS"? This fuckin' turkey was WHITE and workin' in a supermarket. Those pussy foot canadenize and their goddamn political correct bullshit - wouldn't even let mama use the employee restroom. I bet it ain't even a restroom, just a fuckin' room filled with little white boys and girls sewin' burkas and bindin' Qur'ans to hand out to their sheeple. MAKE ME FUCKIN' SICK!!!!!!!!!

I'm precisely that ... 24/7 ... doesn't matter where I am. Of course, I don't really feel as if I've arrived ... becuse I've always been there.

"BUY.IT.FUCKING.NOW. because you aren't a true US AMERICAN unless you're not fraid to wear that shit boldly on your body. Matter of fact, if you aren't wearing some gear, you're not American, and worse than that, you're not supporting our boys out tehre hunting the terrorists. Surprised we've had campagins out there for 8 years now and we can't get to real leader of all this, Osama Obama, born in a foreign country, Hawaii. Matter of fact, the little brown people gotta go, they ain't from this country of ours. W oh eight motherfuckers, that's how we roll. Hybrid Tahoe cuz wehn you're empty nesting it, we gotta downsize and take care of the earth for our offspring"

This thread is either off-track or on a sidetrack ... not that it was ever really going anywhere.