It has recently come to my attention that the world will end in less than a year. In consideration of ancient Mayan rituals, I am attempting to sell off several pairs of incredibly Badical footwear; so that in the time of the Apocalypse I may enter the ageless tunnels of Agartha clad only in Balenciaga and Rick Owens, take my rightful place upon a throne of obsidian at the right shoulder of Belial, The Worthless, and rule over fifty legions of the screaming damned for eternity. "Synthese," you ask me, "What does this mean for me, the poor-and-humble everyday goatherd? I spend my days traipsing after my goats, over and through the dust of these ancient, crumbling ruins; feet bloodied, my hands and lips numb from the endless, Lovecraftian piping of my pipes; I am dead already, I have no use for your wretched footwear!" Goatherd, I say to you: "Tend to your flock. Of Hot Bitches." You may accomplish the tending, and milking, of said bitches, by purchasing rad shoes from yours truly; shoes that shall likely never be re-seen on this or any messaging board. Act quickly! The end is at hand. 1. SOLD: It is well known that the soft, textured suede and over-long laces of Kris Van Assche's aptly-nicknamed "Bondage Sneakers" from the summer of 2010 connote only one thing: Hot, sweaty, steaming, stenching sex in the open summer air. I suggest the liberal use of a gently-sloping car hood to find the angle of best penetration; and I also suggest, humbly, that you leave your shoes on during. You'll note that the high shaft resembles an engorged phallus - women in heat will notice this as well, and like a hot knife through butter, they will be drawn to your flame as you lucy in the sky with diamonds. These beautiful sneakers are in excellent used condition, and have been worn no more than approximately ten times. They are SOLD10. Considering the impending doom of Man, I will sell these for the insanely reasonable price of SOLD. It's likely that these will not be the recipients of many price-dropping adjustments, as they can easily be used as footwear for my army of Restless Souls. You may cast your unworthy gaze upon the following images: As you can see, their shape is such that you may effectively stomp and squish the heads of the howling demons that will pursue you through the wastes of the charred and ruined world as if they were grapes. 2. INTEREST CHECK: It is perhaps evidence of my whimsical insanity that I expect you, dear reader, the very lowliest of meat-sacks, to have the guts- nay, the fruits - to arm yourself with sneakers worthy of a prince of the damned. I offer you, then, an alternative: A pair of Great Used Condition Neil Barrett S/S 2010 painted mid-top sneakers. While these may lack the pure, unadulterated eroticism of M. Van Assche's stunningly sexual sneakers, they have a charm well worth their weight in American Currency. They are a combination of matte and patent leathers, and have been coated in latex paint. As a result, the paint chips off, and slowly reveals the black patent leather. Think of them as a working metaphor for the future of this planet: Gently, languorously, the beautiful whitewash is peeled away - beneath lies the shining, iridescent carapace of the NÃÃ°hÃ¶ggr, ever gnawing on the roots of the world-tree. Purchasing these sneakers affords you a stunning, compelling glimpse at the clarity of being. I pray that you retain your sanity in the face of such maddening self-awareness, though perhaps madness would be a welcome respite from the inevitable calamity that awaits us all. You may wear them with jeans, if you must. I will accept 250 USD (shipping not included) for sneakers that bestow such a world-shattering cognitive experience upon the wearer, as long as that wearer is a Size 43, which runs the same as Common Projects, and is good for a US 10.5. Note that these are far more comfortable than your favorite pair of Achilles, notwithstanding the philosophical shock. 3. It has been said that, in the final days, there will be those who walk among us who are not us. Whether they are angels, demons, lost alien souls, Mechanosaurians or even large potatoes, you may rest assured that they will be wearing these boots. It is a little-known fact that Martin Margiela produces footwear that can survive even the harshest of parties unscathed - including parties that result in the extinction of all life on earth. These gorgeous side-zip boots are no exception. Made from lightly-textured matte-grey leather that is so deep it most resembles the inky blackness of the architheuthis dux, they have a small heel in order to preserve your deepest fantasies of faunus, and allow your cloven hooves to tread lightly 'mongst the womenfolk swathed in the very height of fashion. I suggest you wear them with horns. These boots are SOLD for great justice All of the above items will be shipped CONUS with their respective boxes and dust bags, if applicable. None show more than minimal signs of heel-wear. All have been worn and cared for as though they were the tender, juicy babes of human mothers. More still pictures of the footwear will be added when the bloody sun has risen once again o'er the peaks of the jagged mountain range I call my home, though should you need more evidence of my photography skills you are welcome to ask for further examples. If you desire double-boxing, let me know, but be aware that within the next 9 months your precious shoe-box will be nothing but smoldering ash; a depressing reminder of the transience of being. Know this: Despite their dwindling physical relevance, I have no overwhelming need to part with these sneakers. Should you fail to provide me with requisite funding, I shall have no choice but to continue to crush on a daily basis while you wallow in endless, tepid mediocrity. I am more inclined to do business with humans who have a proven track-record of not fucking up than with those who are miserable, feedback-less bags of animated flesh. I will consider reasonable offers, though lowballers will be the first to fall upon the stakes during the razing of this pitiful world. Remember, worthless: My only desire is your immediate satisfaction and subsequent immolation in the flaming, tentacled embrace of Azathoth.
post #1 of 11
3/30/11 at 10:30pm