Father Issues: Need Advice vol. 1 - Page 3

Just saw this. How'd lunch go?

One thing that just may be something to think about is that you don't know if your mom knows and it is acceptable to her. When most of us think about relationships and being married and all, we think it's just the 2 of them. It may shatter your reality, but maybe your dad has this relationship and your mom is ok with it (or has one of her own).

I think it's important to keep an open mind and dialogue about what you are feeling and thinking and try to put yourself in your dad's shoes (and your mom's).

Best of luck. I don't envy your position.

1. sorry that you weren't able to bring it up. better luck next time, but don't wait.

2. you don't know who your father really is, few of us do. also, you have no idea what is really going on in your parents relationship, and, believe me, you don't really want to know.

good luck

I'm sure there are many details of your life, salacious or not, that you haven't shared with him. Nobody knows everything about another person.

Talking to a professional would be a good idea. This is a difficult issue, and you would be wise to seek more help than we can give you here.

totally understandable to choke, mm. this is a very unusual and awkward situation.

I don't want to sound inconsiderate at all - don't get me wrong.

In my family dynamic, the approach I would take is to honestly just man up and say, "I found [this]...". In private, of course, but just be out with it.

I'm of the opinion that extramarital sexual relations are completely out-of-bounds, and in fact really disrespectful to the woman one "proclaims" to be bound to for life. Personally, I'd see it as a great affront and insult to my mother, and there'd be no qualms in my mind whatsoever about going head-to-head with my dad. And don't get me wrong, I treasure my relationship with my father, but stepping outside of certain moral guidelines can just completely shatter a relationship.

Call me an old-school moral conservative, but I just think a marriage relationship is too sacred to infringe in the first place. Sorry to rant on your thread, OP - my heart goes out to you. You're in a tough situation. But this affair is affecting you now, and your mother isn't the only one being hurt by your father's actions. I do agree that he's not going out doing these things with this other woman with the intention of hurting you directly, but now it is. Go seek him out. Head downtown and meet him during his lunch break, or some time during the work day when you and he can chat. Don't leave until it comes out. Call him out on it. Tell him how its affecting you. Tell him your worries about your mother. Let him know he's let you down (assuming he has... I get that impression from your posts). Tell him he's not living up to the responsibility he took on when you were born. He's hurting you now.

This is coming from a new father in his mid-twenties, so you know. I suspect my relationship with my child is amplifying how I feel about this, but my emotions are still the same.

And too, honestly - best of luck. This could be one of the hardest trials you'll ever face.

My dad, has been a woman chaser his entire life. not that i have a problem with that to a certain extent, but the man knows no boundieres. My view on marriage is too complex to get into, in a paragraph so I won't bother, nor is it for this post. I was once engaged, and he tried to sleep with my fiancee.. twice. His oldest son's fiancee. Our relationship has not been the same sense. I knew he was cheating on his now wife when he was doing it (years ago and probably still is, we don't keep in touch), hell he would call me and ask me could he use my house. no shame. I feel, and this is the conclusion I came to, it's just not my place. who is to say she doesn't know and has not just accepted it as apart of who he is. Considering my father, this isn't that far a stretch of the imagination actually. Even when she "found out" I think it was more becuase she found out in a very public manner (the woman that was cheating, called the house and basically bragged to my step mom, to get back at my dad for not leaving).. If I were a betting man, she knew. IN other words, don't take sides. That's their life, you have yours. And I thought hard about telling her more so out of spite for what he did for me. I was really pissed becuase she kicked him out the house when she found out, and I let him stay with me rent free for like 3 months becuase we all knew he was goin back home and it was no sense in getting a place and a lease and all that when I had an extra room and he paid me back, by trying to get it on with my future wife. That's fucked up no way you slice it. But, I could not tell her what I knew, or what he did. It's just not my place to do so. However, that does not mean we have to be best of friends. he has more than burned that bridge and he knows it. But I don't know what she does in her spare time, I don't nkow what their sex life is like, there are way too many variables for me to play god in their relationship. If you believe in god, you just have to believe that god will find a way to bring justice and do what is right. That's not for me to do. NOt only that, it would dragging me into somehting, i really, want no part of.

wow. as I've said, it really sucks when one realizes that parents are just humans.

Some good advice in this thread already. My quick thoughts:

1 - You are going to have to bring this up with your Dad at some point, as it's going to hang over your relationship with him as you move forward. Concentrate on that relationship - it's the only one you have any control over, and really probably the only one you have a right to stick your nose into. Your parents' relationship may be very complex and so "confronting" him or telling your mother may upset whatever delicate balance already exists between them. Start with him. Tell him what you're feeling and what you're thinking. You're going to have to do it eventually. If you have a problem building up to it, you'll need to talk to someone (a professional) about dealing with it.

2 - I'll reiterate that you can't control or even be responsible for the relationship between your parents. Nobody's said this explicitly yet - your mom may know about the relationship, so riding in as a white knight to save her may be the opposite of what she wants from you. Concentrate on your relationship with your mother - be there for her, make sure your bond with her is in good shape.

3 - Eventually though you're going to have to deal with feeling like you're complicit in your mother's betrayal as you hold this in. I really don't know what to say to that or how to help. I suggest talking to your father about it, and tell him how his actions have put you in a bad position. Don't be inflammatory - be honest. No matter what he's up to, no doubt he loves you and values your relationship. If you are non-inflammatory about it, and do what you can to avoid provocation and/or a negative, defensive response from him, you'll be able to at least talk about it. Not saying you'll reach a resolution...

4 - What an awful situation. You have my sympathies. Good luck.

Do not bring it up. Can you think of a single outcome that will have your mother and father both happier than they are now?

No? Thought not. Keep schtum.

Good luck, chief. My family went through this little ordeal and it didn't end well. You'll have to go by your own experiences on how exactly to deal with him, but just stay very aware. It escalated fairly quickly between my dad and I when I confronted him. I think that doing it in a public place might force both of yall to keep your cool. He wasn't ready to talk, didn't want to talk, and refused to address it. My mom found out eventually because he wasn't careful with his email. They got back together, but it was enough damage that she quit putting up with a lot of the shit out of him that she normally did. Their divorce should be final soon, and my dad and I haven't seen each other in well over a year at this point, have only spoken three times since I last saw him, and each was fairly business like.

You don't know your father. You probably don't know your mother or their marriage either. Either learn to accept him for his faults and move on, or remove him from your life, but putting it off is only going to cause issues for you.

I was all

And then I was

Now I am solidly in the camp