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Where Have the Good Men Gone

post #1 of 166
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by From the Wall Street Journal: Where Have the Good Men Gone
Not so long ago, the average American man in his 20s had achieved most of the milestones of adulthood: a high-school diploma, financial independence, marriage and children. Today, most men in their 20s hang out in a novel sort of limbo, a hybrid state of semi-hormonal adolescence and responsible self-reliance. This "pre-adulthood" has much to recommend it, especially for the college-educated. But it's time to state what has become obvious to legions of frustrated young women: It doesn't bring out the best in men.

Between his lack of responsibilities and an entertainment media devoted to his every pleasure, today's young man has no reason to grow up, says author Kay Hymowitz. She discusses her book, "Manning Up: How the Rise of Women Has Turned Men Into Boys."

"We are sick of hooking up with guys," writes the comedian Julie Klausner, author of a touchingly funny 2010 book, "I Don't Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Sensitive Hipsters and Other Guys I've Dated." What Ms. Klausner means by "guys" is males who are not boys or men but something in between. "Guys talk about 'Star Wars' like it's not a movie made for people half their age; a guy's idea of a perfect night is a hang around the PlayStation with his bandmates, or a trip to Vegas with his college friends.... They are more like the kids we babysat than the dads who drove us home." One female reviewer of Ms. Kausner's book wrote, "I had to stop several times while reading and think: Wait, did I date this same guy?"

For most of us, the cultural habitat of pre-adulthood no longer seems noteworthy. After all, popular culture has been crowded with pre-adults for almost two decades. Hollywood started the affair in the early 1990s with movies like "Singles," "Reality Bites," "Single White Female" and "Swingers." Television soon deepened the relationship, giving us the agreeable company of Monica, Joey, Rachel and Ross; Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer; Carrie, Miranda, et al.

But for all its familiarity, pre-adulthood represents a momentous sociological development. It's no exaggeration to say that having large numbers of single young men and women living independently, while also having enough disposable income to avoid ever messing up their kitchens, is something entirely new in human experience. Yes, at other points in Western history young people have waited well into their 20s to marry, and yes, office girls and bachelor lawyers have been working and finding amusement in cities for more than a century. But their numbers and their money supply were always relatively small. Today's pre-adults are a different matter. They are a major demographic event.

What also makes pre-adulthood something new is its radical reversal of the sexual hierarchy. Among pre-adults, women are the first sex. They graduate from college in greater numbers (among Americans ages 25 to 34, 34% of women now have a bachelor's degree but just 27% of men), and they have higher GPAs. As most professors tell it, they also have more confidence and drive. These strengths carry women through their 20s, when they are more likely than men to be in grad school and making strides in the workplace. In a number of cities, they are even out-earning their brothers and boyfriends.

Still, for these women, one key question won't go away: Where have the good men gone? Their male peers often come across as aging frat boys, maladroit geeks or grubby slackers"”a gender gap neatly crystallized by the director Judd Apatow in his hit 2007 movie "Knocked Up." The story's hero is 23-year-old Ben Stone (Seth Rogen), who has a drunken fling with Allison Scott (Katherine Heigl) and gets her pregnant. Ben lives in a Los Angeles crash pad with a group of grubby friends who spend their days playing videogames, smoking pot and unsuccessfully planning to launch a porn website. Allison, by contrast, is on her way up as a television reporter and lives in a neatly kept apartment with what appear to be clean sheets and towels. Once she decides to have the baby, she figures out what needs to be done and does it. Ben can only stumble his way toward being a responsible grownup.

So where did these pre-adults come from? You might assume that their appearance is a result of spoiled 24-year-olds trying to prolong the campus drinking and hook-up scene while exploiting the largesse of mom and dad. But the causes run deeper than that. Beginning in the 1980s, the economic advantage of higher education"”the "college premium""”began to increase dramatically. Between 1960 and 2000, the percentage of younger adults enrolled in college or graduate school more than doubled. In the "knowledge economy," good jobs go to those with degrees. And degrees take years.

Another factor in the lengthening of the road to adulthood is our increasingly labyrinthine labor market. The past decades' economic expansion and the digital revolution have transformed the high-end labor market into a fierce competition for the most stimulating, creative and glamorous jobs. Fields that attract ambitious young men and women often require years of moving between school and internships, between internships and jobs, laterally and horizontally between jobs, and between cities in the U.S. and abroad. The knowledge economy gives the educated young an unprecedented opportunity to think about work in personal terms. They are looking not just for jobs but for "careers," work in which they can exercise their talents and express their deepest passions. They expect their careers to give shape to their identity. For today's pre-adults, "what you do" is almost synonymous with "who you are," and starting a family is seldom part of the picture.

Pre-adulthood can be compared to adolescence, an idea invented in the mid-20th century as American teenagers were herded away from the fields and the workplace and into that new institution, the high school. For a long time, the poor and recent immigrants were not part of adolescent life; they went straight to work, since their families couldn't afford the lost labor and income. But the country had grown rich enough to carve out space and time to create a more highly educated citizenry and work force. Teenagers quickly became a marketing and cultural phenomenon. They also earned their own psychological profile. One of the most influential of the psychologists of adolescence was Erik Erikson, who described the stage as a "moratorium," a limbo between childhood and adulthood characterized by role confusion, emotional turmoil and identity conflict.

Like adolescents in the 20th century, today's pre-adults have been wait-listed for adulthood. Marketers and culture creators help to promote pre-adulthood as a lifestyle. And like adolescence, pre-adulthood is a class-based social phenomenon, reserved for the relatively well-to-do. Those who don't get a four-year college degree are not in a position to compete for the more satisfying jobs of the knowledge economy.

But pre-adults differ in one major respect from adolescents. They write their own biographies, and they do it from scratch. Sociologists use the term "life script" to describe a particular society's ordering of life's large events and stages. Though such scripts vary across cultures, the archetypal plot is deeply rooted in our biological nature. The invention of adolescence did not change the large Roman numerals of the American script. Adults continued to be those who took over the primary tasks of the economy and culture. For women, the central task usually involved the day-to-day rearing of the next generation; for men, it involved protecting and providing for their wives and children. If you followed the script, you became an adult, a temporary custodian of the social order until your own old age and demise.

Unlike adolescents, however, pre-adults don't know what is supposed to come next. For them, marriage and parenthood come in many forms, or can be skipped altogether. In 1970, just 16% of Americans ages 25 to 29 had never been married; today that's true of an astonishing 55% of the age group. In the U.S., the mean age at first marriage has been climbing toward 30 (a point past which it has already gone in much of Europe). It is no wonder that so many young Americans suffer through a "quarter-life crisis," a period of depression and worry over their future.

Given the rigors of contemporary career-building, pre-adults who do marry and start families do so later than ever before in human history. Husbands, wives and children are a drag on the footloose life required for the early career track and identity search. Pre-adulthood has also confounded the primordial search for a mate. It has delayed a stable sense of identity, dramatically expanded the pool of possible spouses, mystified courtship routines and helped to throw into doubt the very meaning of marriage. In 1970, to cite just one of many numbers proving the point, nearly seven in 10 25-year-olds were married; by 2000, only one-third had reached that milestone.

American men have been struggling with finding an acceptable adult identity since at least the mid-19th century. We often hear about the miseries of women confined to the domestic sphere once men began to work in offices and factories away from home. But it seems that men didn't much like the arrangement either. They balked at the stuffy propriety of the bourgeois parlor, as they did later at the banal activities of the suburban living room. They turned to hobbies and adventures, like hunting and fishing. At midcentury, fathers who at first had refused to put down the money to buy those newfangled televisions changed their minds when the networks began broadcasting boxing matches and baseball games. The arrival of Playboy in the 1950s seemed like the ultimate protest against male domestication; think of the refusal implied by the magazine's title alone.

In his disregard for domestic life, the playboy was prologue for today's pre-adult male. Unlike the playboy with his jazz and art-filled pad, however, our boy rebel is a creature of the animal house. In the 1990s, Maxim, the rude, lewd and hugely popular "lad" magazine arrived from England. Its philosophy and tone were so juvenile, so entirely undomesticated, that it made Playboy look like Camus.

At the same time, young men were tuning in to cable channels like Comedy Central, the Cartoon Network and Spike, whose shows reflected the adolescent male preferences of its targeted male audiences. They watched movies with overgrown boy actors like Steve Carell, Luke and Owen Wilson, Jim Carrey, Adam Sandler, Will Farrell and Seth Rogen, cheering their awesome car crashes, fart jokes, breast and crotch shots, beer pong competitions and other frat-boy pranks. Americans had always struck foreigners as youthful, even childlike, in their energy and optimism. But this was too much.

What explains this puerile shallowness? I see it as an expression of our cultural uncertainty about the social role of men. It's been an almost universal rule of civilization that girls became women simply by reaching physical maturity, but boys had to pass a test. They needed to demonstrate courage, physical prowess or mastery of the necessary skills. The goal was to prove their competence as protectors and providers. Today, however, with women moving ahead in our advanced economy, husbands and fathers are now optional, and the qualities of character men once needed to play their roles"”fortitude, stoicism, courage, fidelity"”are obsolete, even a little embarrassing.

Today's pre-adult male is like an actor in a drama in which he only knows what he shouldn't say. He has to compete in a fierce job market, but he can't act too bossy or self-confident. He should be sensitive but not paternalistic, smart but not cocky. To deepen his predicament, because he is single, his advisers and confidants are generally undomesticated guys just like him.

Single men have never been civilization's most responsible actors; they continue to be more troubled and less successful than men who deliberately choose to become husbands and fathers. So we can be disgusted if some of them continue to live in rooms decorated with "Star Wars" posters and crushed beer cans and to treat women like disposable estrogen toys, but we shouldn't be surprised.

Relatively affluent, free of family responsibilities, and entertained by an array of media devoted to his every pleasure, the single young man can live in pig heaven"”and often does. Women put up with him for a while, but then in fear and disgust either give up on any idea of a husband and kids or just go to a sperm bank and get the DNA without the troublesome man. But these rational choices on the part of women only serve to legitimize men's attachment to the sand box. Why should they grow up? No one needs them anyway. There's nothing they have to do.

They might as well just have another beer.

Discuss.
post #2 of 166
Tl;dr
post #3 of 166
Frankly, I thought this article was bull. I live in a major city and I can't tell you how many countless tramps I see running around San Francisco, who work during the day in some dead end office job, and spend their nights hooking up with some random douchebag in the marina. And then they do it all again the next night. This phenomenon is not limited to men; women are in the same boat. People are just staving off responsibility these days. It isn't just a male thing.
post #4 of 166
^ You have to have some angle when writing these articles. Man-bashing sells, and has been selling well for the last two decades. I don't mind it - makes people less likely to anticipate you sailing past with a big grin on your face.
post #5 of 166
One can easily write an article titled "Where Have the Good Women Gone?"
post #6 of 166
I agree with a good amount of the article, and also agree that many aspects of it apply to women, as others have said. I, however, don't see myself as a pre-adult even though I'm in my 20's. They lifestyle and attitudes associated with the pre-adult male in this article don't describe me at all.

I think the real onus for writing articles like this is the author's frustration and disappointment with her own life. I feel sorry for the woman, because I'm sure she's been trying, but I know a bunch of genuinely nice guys in their 20's. It shouldn't be that hard to find one, especially if you're well-educated with a great career, etc.
post #7 of 166
A lot of that is true but they leave out one major factor that has changed which is that women and society in general no longer expects men to do those things. Back when women depended on men you had to get a job and settle down if you wanted to accepted into society AND GET LAID. Those are two pretty big motivating factors that are now gone. Men are free now to sink to their default laziness.
post #8 of 166
Feminism has a lot to do with it.

Not long ago, the average American woman had also achieved the milestones of adulthood. Women reject that now. They dont want to get married, and if they do, they will likely be the first to initiate a divorce since it's an easy(and profitable) way out compared to compromise. American men have been getting progressively more happy since women liberation and women have been growing more unhappy, and now they blame us for it, go figure.
post #9 of 166
Quote:
Originally Posted by freeAgent View Post
I agree with a good amount of the article, and also agree that many aspects of it apply to women, as others have said. I, however, don't see myself as a pre-adult even though I'm in my 20's. The lifestyle and attitudes associated with the pre-adult male in this article don't describe me at all.

Agreed.

But there is some general truth behind the premise. Take for instance the example of the achieving male in his early 20's during the colonial period. Many were writing treatises on philosophy, running for political office, innovating new products, or managing multi-national businesses. All of course while raising a family.

To be sure things are different in the modern age, and life spans significantly longer, but I am consistently blown away at the level of achievement pursued by young men in earlier time periods. Levels that do not seem to have carried through in today's world

A perfect example: Benjamin Franklin
post #10 of 166
What can you achieve in your 20s now except at a start-up maybe? It doesn't help that the boomers are a larger generation and are taking up all the senior spots at companies. It also doesn't help that partnership/senior tracks at large companies have stretched out longer and longer.

And dating? Well, you get what you deserve on that front - if you consistently end up with douchebags and skanks, then you should look at the common factor involved in each relationship: you.
post #11 of 166
Eh, I agree with a lot of the sentiments although the article clearly leans toward man bashing when the same is occurring with many women (for the same reasons...they can support themselves and no longer have to play some stupid gender role in order to land a man to provide for them)

All it really means is that you have a better shot of getting ahead of all of these fuckups by actually trying. My interpretation of SF (setting aside the SF fall back job for the moment) has always been that the active population is a little more ambitious and focused than a lot of other large forums. This article describes the SF 20-somethings a bit less than it describes the 20-somethings that hang out at bodybuilding or xboxgaming forums.
post #12 of 166
Quote:
Originally Posted by caxt View Post
Agreed.

But there is some general truth behind the premise. Take for instance the example of the achieving male in his early 20's during the colonial period. Many were writing treatises on philosophy, running for political office, innovating new products, or managing multi-national businesses. All of course while raising a family.

To be sure things are different in the modern age, and life spans significantly longer, but I am consistently blown away at the level of achievement pursued by young men in earlier time periods. Levels that do not seem to have carried through in today's world

A perfect example: Benjamin Franklin

A lot of this also have to do with modern education being longer and more structured and you are judged on the information you regurgitate in the exams. Long time ago inventions and scientific discoveries were basically made by rich, curious, hobbyists who just had an idea and went for it. Now days there are layers upon layers of bureaucracy, ethics and general arse covering. Different world.
post #13 of 166
Quote:
Originally Posted by akatsuki View Post
What can you achieve in your 20s now except at a start-up maybe? It doesn't help that the boomers are a larger generation and are taking up all the senior spots at companies. It also doesn't help that partnership/senior tracks at large companies have stretched out longer and longer.

And dating? Well, you get what you deserve on that front - if you consistently end up with douchebags and skanks, then you should look at the common factor involved in each relationship: you.

Boomers are taking up senior spots because...wait for it...they're senior in the work force. By and large, senior spots are career capstones, not entry level. You've basically managed to nail one of the major problems of the current generation. FYI, Gen X should also be inhabiting more senior spots than Gen Y.
post #14 of 166
When she's ragging on Star Wars, bitch has gotta go.
post #15 of 166
George Will wrote, like, the EXACT same thing for Newsweek a year ago.

Author's heart is in the right place, but I think people need to start letting go that part of true adulthood = married with children.

We have enough dummies running around and having lots of little dummies for the next generation. I don't think we should let that sort of behavior be a major signifier for the true adult.
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