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At a social crossroads?

post #1 of 22
Thread Starter 
I just watched the 40 Year Old Virgin. And man.....Steve Carells character Is just like who I am! I dont take it as far as he does,and im not 40, but just how he acts and puts women on a pedastal is kindof how I feel. I am unnapproachable by most women, usually uncomfortable, and I never know what to say..or never make any sense. I try to accentuate what I have...In the looks department I am a 6 foot skinny guy who weighs 130lbs, and I guess I look awkward or something cause I cant land a date to save my life! I do have certain morales I stick too, like not havign sex till Im married or find the right girl, and not drinking till im 21, stuff like that. All the girls im attracted too are...well very attractive and I dont have a chance.

How does one gain confidence. What do I need to help me find someone, or at least get out and have a few more failed attemps..

Thanks,
Hunter
post #2 of 22
Forgetting that you're skinny for a second, do you find yourself attractive? The most important thing imo is to have an attractive (or at least average) looking face. Being skinny doesn't have to matter (more on this later), although you have to accept the fact that there are certain women that you'll never have a chance with. There is a lot that you can do to mitigate the fact that you're skinny and you've found the right forum for advice.

For the record, I've been 6' 135lbs for most of my adult life (although i recently started to bulk-up a bit). In high-school i had female friends but i didn't get a whole lot of action. I was in essentially the same frame of mind that you are in. I knew I was skinny and it affected my self-confidence. At this point i was also dressing below the level of the average guy in hs. In university is stepped it up a bit and started shopping at the typical places. I finally got laid (with a slightly above average chick) and things began to improve a bit. At one point i went to NYC and came back with a bunch of new clothes. I started to get comments from girls i'd know for a while and my confidence got a pretty big boost. For once, girls were noticing me. The clothes definitely helped.

I think the most important thing is to get yourself over that first hurdle. Find something that boosts your confidence, whether it be weight-lifting or a new wardrobe. You will not become good with girls until you develop a bit of confidence. If you're walking around thinking you look awkward and that you're too skinny, you'll never get anywhere because before you even get up the nerve to talk to girls you'll have set yourself up for failure.

It was a long road for me. I only started to get passably good with girls when i was 24. Until then, my sex life was very sporadic when I didn't have a gf, and I didn't have a gf a lot of the time cause i was addicted to MMORPGs :P
Since then I've steadily gotten more and more dates, and I'm now at the point where I'll only date women that are in the 8+ range and I can line dates up every week if I want to. I won't bs and say that my wardrobe doesn't affect my confidence. It helps in a huge way. But you need to find your own thing that works.
post #3 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by GQgeek
I think the most important thing is to get yourself over that first hurdle. Find something that boosts your confidence, whether it be weight-lifting or a new wardrobe. You will not become good with girls until you develop a bit of confidence.

You have to like yourself before others will like you.
You have to find yourself attractive before others will find you attractive.

Accept (and like) who you are and play to your strengths.
post #4 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by Popsandfriends
I just watched the 40 Year Old Virgin. And man.....Steve Carells character Is just like who I am! I dont take it as far as he does,and im not 40, but just how he acts and puts women on a pedastal is kindof how I feel. I am unnapproachable by most women, usually uncomfortable, and I never know what to say..or never make any sense. I try to accentuate what I have...In the looks department I am a 6 foot skinny guy who weighs 130lbs, and I guess I look awkward or something cause I cant land a date to save my life! I do have certain morales I stick too, like not havign sex till Im married or find the right girl, and not drinking till im 21, stuff like that. All the girls im attracted too are...well very attractive and I dont have a chance.

How does one gain confidence. What do I need to help me find someone, or at least get out and have a few more failed attemps..

Thanks,
Hunter
1. Move to downtown NYC or Williamsburg.
2. Buy skinny shirts and skinnier jeans (look at the Streetwear section for help with this)
3. Drink PBR
4. Close some indiegirl ass.

God made you 6'/130. He wants you to be a scenester.
post #5 of 22
Thread Starter 
Haha So it really is about the clothes..This past year I've gotten more and more trendy when it comes to what I wear. I always try new things but nothing over the top or metro. The fact that I put women above me, and a few really bad (one recent) failures has put me where I am right now. I will never do an online-to-real life relationship again. I met this girl online while I was staying in Arizona over the summer, she lived in my hometown but I had never noticed her. We talked online for hours, every day. She was gorgeous and told me everything I wanted to hear, I know she wasnt lying. When she fnially met me, maybe It was the fact that it was my first date, or that I was trying to act chill, or my looks that really turned her off...I got the dreaded lets me frineds line (cept she took the balless way out and sent me an email, quite a blunt email at that) It made me feel like the entire month was a lie! The worst part is, she was so damn good looking, the fact that I was even talking to her was an amazing feat. I take rejection hard and this time it just about killed my soul I do set myself up for failure, I have no "skills", or confidence, or any experience. I dont even have many girl frineds. Also, what am I supposed to think/feel when a girl that Im not at all attracted too tells me Im cute and wants to start a relationship WHEN SHE DOESNT KNOW ME! I hate blowing them off, cause thsast what so many girls have done to me! Makes me feel like a hyppocrit and shallow. I cant help it If im not physically attracted to someone, cause that and personality play equal parts in my book. Do I need a new book?
post #6 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by Edward Appleby
1. Move to downtown NYC or Williamsburg.
2. Buy skinny shirts and skinnier jeans (look at the Streetwear section for help with this)
3. Drink PBR
4. Close some indiegirl ass.

God made you 6'/130. He wants you to be a scenester.


How old are you Pops? If you're still in high school/first year university, it will come with time. As others have said you need to like yourself and your body image first, positive energy attracts more positive energy. You don't have to have the nicest wardrobe, flashiest car, or best looks. Just a belief that you have something to share with others.

My advice? Follow your interests, whether it be music, history, or video games (okay, maybe not the last one) so you have something to talk about. Talk to a lot of people, irregardless of gender. Join a faith-group, club, or do something you've never done before and meet new people. You need to get comfortable with connecting with others. It will probably be really awkward at first, don't worry about it. I've always found the best strategy is to keep asking questions, people love to talk about themselves or their interests. Moreover, there is truth to puttin' the pussy on the pedestal. You need to see a potential partner as an equal, who has flaws and quirks like you do. But, that will come, first step is to just to try something new. Hope this helps.
post #7 of 22
Go to China.
post #8 of 22
Quote:
The most important thing imo is to have an attractive (or at least average) looking face. Being skinny doesn't have to matter (more on this later), although you have to accept the fact that there are certain women that you'll never have a chance with.

Average looking face? How does one define that? There is too much ambiguity when it comes to looks, since everyone has a different idea of what constitutes attractiveness. I would say that the most important thing one must have is confidence. I think women find confidence sexy. Also, don't you consider it self defeating to think that you'll never have a chance with some women? Unless the woman is married or attached, thinking that some woman is out of your league indicates a lack of confidence.
post #9 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by Popsandfriends
Haha

So it really is about the clothes..This past year I've gotten more and more trendy when it comes to what I wear. I always try new things but nothing over the top or metro. The fact that I put women above me, and a few really bad (one recent) failures has put me where I am right now. I will never do an online-to-real life relationship again. I met this girl online while I was staying in Arizona over the summer, she lived in my hometown but I had never noticed her. We talked online for hours, every day. She was gorgeous and told me everything I wanted to hear, I know she wasnt lying. When she fnially met me, maybe It was the fact that it was my first date, or that I was trying to act chill, or my looks that really turned her off...I got the dreaded lets me frineds line (cept she took the balless way out and sent me an email, quite a blunt email at that) It made me feel like the entire month was a lie! The worst part is, she was so damn good looking, the fact that I was even talking to her was an amazing feat. I take rejection hard and this time it just about killed my soul

I do set myself up for failure, I have no "skills", or confidence, or any experience. I dont even have many girl frineds. Also, what am I supposed to think/feel when a girl that Im not at all attracted too tells me Im cute and wants to start a relationship WHEN SHE DOESNT KNOW ME! I hate blowing them off, cause thsast what so many girls have done to me! Makes me feel like a hyppocrit and shallow. I cant help it If im not physically attracted to someone, cause that and personality play equal parts in my book.

Do I need a new book?

Take a deep breath ;p Rejection is a fact of life for both sides. I find that most women are nice about it unless you catch them at a really bad time. YMMV I suppose. I always hear these rejection horror stories from others but i've honestly never had any bad experiences. I think the people that get what I like to call hard rejections are the douche-bag/player looking types with the macho attitudes that just beg for women to put them in their place. Despite some of my trolling posts here, I've got a gentlemanly thing going for me and i'm always well dressed so women tend not to be offended by me :P

And you should reject girls in the same way that you'd want to be rejected, although most of the time that's not even necessary as it's usually up to the guy to take the initiative, in which case if you don't take it, the girl will understand you're not interested. If a girl is explicitly asking you to date her and you have no interest, then you don't really have many options but to tell her that you're flattered but not interested. Or if you really don't want to trample on her feelings, just tell her you're kinda seeing someone (if it's feasible).

As for online dating, your experience is the impression i've gotten of it from a number of people in that it's largely a big circle-jerk. It requires a lot of ground-work to setup a date and all the chatting in the world won't help you establish whether or not there will be any chemistry or whether you'll be attracted to each other. Those little low-res pictures on dating sites can hide a lot :P Have you ever been 15ft away from a girl you thought was attractive, but once you got close you realized she had major skin problems? Welcome to the world of pictures taken with camera phones. I think you did the worst possible thing and that was pinning all your hopes on this one girl that you met online and then letting it drag-out for a month. No wonder you were depressed afterwards. Don't do that again ;p

As for it being ALL about the clothes, it's really not, but it definitely helps, both from a self-image point of view and the fact that girls generally like guys that dress well. And you really need to have something going for you besides a nice wardrobe because all that does is open doors. If you get an open and you still don't know what to say, it'll close pretty quickly :P

First things first though, you need to work on your social skills in general. Put getting laid out of your mind for a while because it'll just add undue pressure. Find a way to meet new people doing something you enjoy. You never know, you might even meet a girl. It really helps if you're a good talker. Flirting doesn't come naturally to a lot of guys and it sure as hell didn't with me. I think the first step is to get used to talking to girls in general, then just practice complementing them in an innocent (and subtle) way, with no expectation of a return. And be careful not to over do it.

Anyway, good luck. Being good with girls is a skill-set that can be learned.
post #10 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pink22m
Average looking face? How does one define that? There is too much ambiguity when it comes to looks, since everyone has a different idea of what constitutes attractiveness. I would say that the most important thing one must have is confidence. I think women find confidence sexy.

I agree abot the confidence thing, but in general terms i think it's possibleto say that someone is average or below average in looks.

Quote:
Also, don't you consider it self defeating to think that you'll never have a chance with some women? Unless the woman is married or attached, thinking that some woman is out of your league indicates a lack of confidence.

I don't think it's self-defeating. You have to accept the fact that some women won't be attracted to you and not take it personally. I'm not advocating that you shouldn't try, however.

If you knew me irl you'd appreciate the irony of that statement. I have absolutely no qualms going after a girl that's attached. In fact, i've been called completely immoral! I firmly believe in the theory that attractive women are like monkeys, and that they swing from tree to tree, grabbing a new branch before they let go of the old one :P
post #11 of 22
Quote:
If you knew me irl you'd appreciate the irony of that statement. I have absolutely no qualms going after a girl that's attached. In fact, i've been called completely immoral! I firmly believe in the theory that attractive women are like monkeys, and that they swing from tree to tree, grabbing a new branch before they let go of the old one :P

LOL
post #12 of 22
Few thoughts 6' and 130 is pretty skinny. If this bothers you then I suggest working out and bulking up a bit. Don't do it just for the women but do it because you want to. If you like your size then you will work around your size and make yourself more attractive in other ways. You do have the height working for you, from what I've generally seen girls like taller men, usually over 6'. Girls do like well dressed men but this depends on the type of girl you are looking for. Personally I wouldn't go to over dressed but rather try to fit in with your own personal touch added so you don't risk alienating yourself. Girls like those that think on their own and do their own thing to show self confidence but I wouldn't be wearing a 3 piece suit, at a young age you will just look strange. I don't know what you look like but some grooming may be in order, perhaps a new haircut, get a tan, etc. Dance. Girls like to dance and if you dance girls will like you more. Even if you aren't great at dancing just having the balls to go out there is worth a few points. When you go to a dance club you see the girls dancing and the lame guys on the walls too scared to step in. Thats your chance to make the kill. Depending on the girls you are going for your morals may get in the way. Think ahead, especially if you are young, because often girls in high school and college will be around alcohol and will be drinking, will want to have sex, and you will often be put in social experiences where both are involved. Knowing that you may be awkward in both situations may put you off to some girls. You have to show them you can be fun without either, or find a girl with the same morals. I would go on some "practice" dates just to get a flow going and build your confidence. Maybe have your friends set you up, coworkers, coworkers of your parents, etc. I would even go on dates with people who aren't at your uber high standards just to feel things out. I tend to think people set their expectations way too high and when they realize they can't achieve the status they overlook some things when they realize that certain attributes are more important in the long run. A lot of friends I know have received numbers from waitresses at various coffeeshops and other quiet restaurant settings. I was the same way as you in highschool and in the beginning of college. I blame a lot of it on being in a small catholic grade school where I didn't get the social experiences I needed when I went to a large public high school and through out all those years I didn't have an identity and I didn't know how to associate myself. I had horrible self confidence. I built this up in college by making lots more friends and I had the opportunity to interact with more women at parties and other settings. I then realized that most girls are generally very nice and when you approach them even if they dislike you, won't blow you off like you may think, usually they are fairly polite. If things don't go your way, then so what, you cut your losses and move on. After that point I wasn't afraid to approach women, my confidence built and I had a much higher return on investment
post #13 of 22
as you've mentioned, you haven't reached 21 yet. give yourself a break, and dont bust your balls just yet. i know a lot of people (including me) experience positive change at a later age.
post #14 of 22
Does your "'morale" have any religious root? If not, where and why have these morals developed: do you truly believe in their provenance? Anyhow, go here and learn the ropes of social male-female interactions and dynamics.

www.fastseduction.com

You don't have to follow through all the way and bed the girls you eventually have the power to attract, but it will help you realise what a lot of women want and expect in an exchange, whether sexual or not. The more attractive they find you, yet the more you can put-off sleeping with them, the more they'll be gagging for it.
post #15 of 22
Just don't ignore the foundation--if you're a lying scumbag, you're a lying scumbag, whether or not you're bedding a supermodel. Build confidence by being comfortable with who you are and what you have to offer the world, not by pretending to be something you're not.

A lot of guys get fixated on hotties. Truth is, however, that you can more quickly learn how to talk to an attractive woman by talking to everyone you see--the mailman, the old lady down the hall, the guy at the party who you think is a dick, the taxi driver. Everyone has a story, and everyone likes to talk about themselves. Once you learn how to take part in conversation and listen and you have the friends that come with that skill, you won't be intimidated about striking up a conversation with a good looking girl. And once you understand what a girl is thinking, you'll be able to (a) figure out whether she's worth a further investment of your time (most aren't) and (b) make your interest known without scaring her or otherwise blowing it.

A 22 year-old hottie is just like everyone else. She might put up fronts because men hit on her constantly, but you can make the most of what you have to get past the bullshit. Some aren't very interesting deep inside, but some are fun, cool girls. It's just a matter, again, of socializing and getting a good read on people.
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