Office essentials

Contemporary art. Nothing says "I'm loaded, sophisticated, better than you, and just plain intimidating" like some legit contemporary art.

Make it heart breaking to fire you.

i usually have an aphorism under a photo of a cute animal. it pairs nicely with my demeanor

Have a samurai sword on a stand in the back of your office. This will signify to Japanese businessmen that you are to be respected as an equal. Also, if following this advice, it helps to be a character in an early 1990s action thriller.

What are you, a woman? Why do you need to "brighten up" your desk? Nobody is going to care. I never understood people that try and personalize their cubicles; you're there to work. If you had an actual office, it would be a bit different. Oh and how does any of this qualify under the heading of "office essentials?"

I find the craziest most random images I can and slap em up on the wall over my computer in a completely random way (think teenage girl bedroom steez). I've got about 3 layers of shit piled up so far and I'm slowly spreading out towards my co-workers wallspace. The piece de resistance is a picture of Rick Owens that I tore out from a magazine and put and tuft of grey mongolian fur on it too look like he's wearing a wig. I also have a great picture of 2 ripped dudes in short shorts holding a shark in their arms at the beach. It simply tells anyone that sees it that I really DGAF.

Do you have a desk that gets sunlight?

a shoehorn (from the $1 store)

the only 'personal' items i have are a picture of me and my fiance and a nice crystal pen holder. other than that, nada.

He's working in government. Ain't nobody going to fire him for shit.

A periodic table of elements.

This is actually a really good idea. I would also recommend keeping a pair of dress shoes in your desk. That way you can wear your beaters in to the office and then switch into proper shoes.

A Spanish to English dictionary, tequila, and a morning after pill. You know, for the maid. If you're picky, a razor too.