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Your favorite Jokes? - Page 6

post #76 of 196
Here's an old one:

Two sperms are going along side by side. One says to the other: "How long till we get to the uterus?" The other responds: "We've got a ways to go, we just passed the tonsils."
post #77 of 196
Quote:
Originally Posted by thinman
What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenberg?

One's a flaming Nazi gas-bag and the other's a blimp.

You make the call.

"Trebek, you know what the difference is between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck... I forget the rest, but your mother's a whore!"
post #78 of 196
For Completeness:

What do you call a cow with three legs?

Tri-tip.
post #79 of 196
Quote:
Originally Posted by FLMountainMan
"Trebek, you know what the difference is between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck... I forget the rest, but your mother's a whore!"

I don't know why, but I just love the punchline


Here is my contribution:

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off. He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that's the Robinson's, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck herself!"
post #80 of 196
What's worse than a lobster on your piano?

Crabs on your organ.
post #81 of 196
Thread Starter 
Q What`s the difference between engagement and hemaroihds?

A When the hemaroihds are over you at least get the ring back !!!!
post #82 of 196
Thread Starter 
01. -You've got a hole in your head.
02. -Your master strangles you all the time.
03. -Your head is smaller than the rest of you
04. -You shrink in cold water.
05. -You never get a haircut.
06. -You always hang around with 2 nuts.
07. -Your closest neighbor is an asshole.
08. -Your best friend is a pussy.
09. -Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
10. -Everytime you get excited, you throw up.
post #83 of 196
Thread Starter 
Custom Tailor Joke from CD:

Tailor:
"I once had a guy with 5 penis's come in that wanted a bespoke suit."
After several fittings, the guy says
"Thank you so much"

Tailor:
"How does it fit?"

Guy says:
"Like a Glove"
post #84 of 196
Q: What's the difference between a hippy and an onion?

A: I cry when I cut an onion.
post #85 of 196
Q: What did the camel say when the elephant asked him what it was like to have a pair of tits on his back?

A: "It's better than having a dick on your face."
post #86 of 196
There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explains the trial to him - you have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in...but on the second one he winced in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven. The second guy arrives with ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed. The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
post #87 of 196
Authorities have closed down Santa's grotto because he's been contravening elf and safety laws.
post #88 of 196
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thomas
An elderly couple are driving through Arkansas and are stopped by a patrolman. The patrolman approaches the driver and tells him that they're driving too slow.
The wife asks "What did he say?"
The husband shouts "He says we're driving too slow"

The patrolman then asks him for his license.
The wife asks "What did he say?"
The husband shouts "He wants our license"

They produce the license and the patrolman looks it over and says - "Fayetteville! I had the worst sex of my life in Fayetteville"
The wife asks "What did he say?"
The husband shouts "He says he thinks he knows you"

boo! I head back to Fayetteville on Thursday. and I do miss southern girls. (Currently in Philadelphia)
post #89 of 196
Q: What is the difference between a gay guy and a fridge?

A: A fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.
post #90 of 196
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.


Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
to keep their mouths shut.
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