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Your favorite Jokes? - Page 11

post #151 of 196
Q: What do you call a Michigan grad with a national championship ring? A: A thief!
post #152 of 196
Just a very quick and crude translation from a German joke I pretty like at the moment:

The first lecture of the semester in medical school. The professor tells the students that they are going to learn a lot of things over the next couple of years. They're going to learn the two most important things right now, in the lecture. First, they have to overcome their aversion to dead people and the professor uncovers a dead body. "You see, there's nothing to worry about! It's all quite natural." The students are disgusted, when he sticks his forefinger into the dead man's rear end, pulls his finger out again, puts it into his mouth and licks it off. "And now it's your turn!" All the students have to walk up to the corpse, stick their fingers into his butt and lick their fingers. When all students are done, the professor says: "Very well done, you've overcome your disgust of dead people. That's one of the two most important things you have to learn. The other thing is, that you have to learn to pay attention. Whereas I shoved my forefinger up his ass, you could have noticed that I licked off my middle finger...."
post #153 of 196
Q: Why are hurricanes named after women?

A: When they come, they come loud and hard. But when they leave, they take your house and car with them.
post #154 of 196
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed together. The chicken rolls over, sighs, grabs a cigarette, lights it, inhales and slowly starts to exhale the smoke. He looks over to the egg and says,
"Well, I guess that answers that question."
post #155 of 196
Driving styles

One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window

- Sydney

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn

- Japan

One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator

- Boston

Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror

- New York

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat

- Italy

One hand on horn,
one hand greeting,
one ear on cell phone,
one ear listening to loud music,
foot on accelerator,
eyes on female pedestrians,
conversation with someone in next car

- "Welcome to India!"
post #156 of 196
A bus stops and two Asian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "I'm just telling my friend how to spell Mississippi."
post #157 of 196
A man and his beautiful blond wife are talking at the breakfast table about what to get the mail man as a retirement gift.

Later the mail man arrives and the blond takes him into the house, takes both their clothes off and gives him the best sex of his entire life. She then stands up gets dressed and hands him $10.

"I don't get it" said the mail man, "I've delivered here for 5 years and you've never done that." The blond goes on to explain that she asked her husband what she should give him for retirement and her husband said "Fuck him, give him $10"
post #158 of 196
A young boy walks into a whore house, dragging a dead cat behind him, puts a jar of coins on the counter and says to the madam "I want the dirtiest most disease ridden whore you have". The madam directs him to a room and the boy walks off in the direction indicated.

A short time later the boy walks back, still dragging the dead cat behind him. "I'm curious about the cat and the disease ridden whore" says the madam. So the boy tells his story, "when I get home I'm going to fuck the baby sitter. When my parents get back, my dad will drive her home and fuck her. When dad gets back he'll fuck mom. Tomorrow mom will fuck the mail man and he's the bastard that ran over my cat."
post #159 of 196
Poor Al works hard at the office and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Al! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Al. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Al if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Al, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Al, want your usual table dance, big boy?" Al's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Al follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumped in beside her. Al tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,calling him every 4-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Al, you picked up a real bitch this time!"

(Yeah, I've posted this before...but it is my favorite)
post #160 of 196
knock knock

who's there?

It's Barri

Barri who?

Barri Cade, im putting the weekend on your doorstep!
post #161 of 196
Q: How are fat girls like scooters?

A: Both are fun to ride until your friends see you...
post #162 of 196
The Aristocrats. A timeless, family friendly classic.
post #163 of 196
A mother finds an S&M magazine under her son's bed while cleaning his room. Understandably disturbed, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband.

"Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?"

"I'm not sure," replies the father. "But we probably shouldn't spank him."
post #164 of 196
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off - go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."
post #165 of 196
A Chinese man walks into a bar and says to the black bartender 'Gimme a jigger, nigger.' The bartender is appalled.

"How would you like it if I did that to you?"

"I wouldn't care," the Chinese man says.

So they switch places -- the Chinese guy gets behind the bar and the black man walks in the door.

The black man says "Gimme a drink, chink."

"Get out, we don't serve niggers here!"
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