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post #106 of 196
one for the golfers:
Rules For Bedroom Golf


1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.



3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.



4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft for firmness before play begins.



5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.



6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play on the course again.




7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.



8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.



9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.




10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they consider to be a private course.


11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course is temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.





12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.


13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.




15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player. *HINT- Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
post #107 of 196
This one's a little long but worth it:

I took some clients out to dinner last week, and I noticed a spoon in the shirt pocket of our waiter as he handed us the menus. It seemed a little odd, but I dismissed it as a random thing. Until our busboy came with water & tableware; he, too, sported a spoon in his breast- pocket. I looked around the room, and all the waiters, waitresses, busboys, etc. had spoons in their pockets. When our waiter returned to take our order, I just had to ask, "Why the spoons?"

"Well," he explained, "our parent company recently hired some Andersen Consulting efficiency experts to review all our procedures, and after months of statistical analyses, they concluded that our patrons drop spoons on the floor 73% more often than any other utensil at a frequency of 3 spoons per hour per workstation. By preparing all our workers for this contingency in advance, we can cut our trips to the kitchen down and save time... nearly 1.5 extra man hours per shift." Just as he concluded, a "ch-ching" came from the table behind him, and he quickly replaced a fallen spoon with the one from his pocket.

"I'll grab another spoon the next time I'm in the kitchen instead of making a special trip," he proudly explained.

I was impressed. "Thanks. I had to ask."

"No problem," he answered, then he continued to take our orders. As the members of my dinner party took their turns, my eyes darted back & forth from each person ordering and my menu. That's when, out of the corner of my eye, I spotted a thin, black thread protruding from our waiter's fly. Again, I dismissed it; yet I had to scan the room and, sure enough, there were other waiters & busboys with strings hanging out of their trousers.

My curiosity overrode discretion at this point, so before he could leave I had to ask. "Excuse me, but...uh...why, or what...about that string?"

"Oh, yeah" he began in a quieter tone. "Not many people are that observant. That same efficiency group found we could save time in the Men's room, too."

"How's that?"

"You see, by tying a string to the end of our, eh, selves, we can pull it out at the urinals literally hands-free and thereby eliminate the need to wash our hands, cutting time spent in the restroom by over 93%!"

"Oh, that makes sense," I said, but then thinking through the process, I asked "Hey, wait-a-minute. If the string helps you pull it out, how do you get it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the other guys; but I use my spoon."
post #108 of 196
Post Valentine's joke of the day







A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."
post #109 of 196
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks: "What do they do here?" He is told: "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then, they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then, the German devil comes in and whip you for the rest of the day." The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the US hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell. Then, he comes to the Italian hell and finds there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks: "What do they do here?" He is told: "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour, then the Italian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells*why are there so many people waiting to get in?" The answer goes: "Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former government servant, so he comes in, signs the register and goes to the cafeteria...".
post #110 of 196
A man walks past a bakers and sees a sign in the window 'Meat Pies 50p Hand Jobs £1'.He thinks to himself I've got to have some of this.So he goes in and there is a stunning blonde behind the counter with massive tits.He says to her,are you the one giving the hand jobs for £1,yes she replies.Great well wash your hands then I want a meat pie.
post #111 of 196
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Britalian
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks: "What do they do here?" He is told: "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then, they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then, the German devil comes in and whip you for the rest of the day." The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out the US hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell. Then, he comes to the Italian hell and finds there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks: "What do they do here?" He is told: "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour, then the Italian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all the other hells*why are there so many people waiting to get in?" The answer goes: "Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former government servant, so he comes in, signs the register and goes to the cafeteria...".

You can really play with this one and substitute. nice
post #112 of 196
Subject: Books to read..
>
>College students were assigned to read two books,
>"Titanic" and "My Life", by Bill Clinton.
>
>One smart-ass student turned in the following book
>report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories.
>
>His professor had a sense of humour and gave the student an A+ for his
>report:
>
>Titanic: $29.99
>Clinton : $29.99
>
>Titanic: Over three hours to read
>Clinton : Over three hours to read
>
>Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
>subsequent catastrophe.
>Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent
>catastrophe.
>
>Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
>Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.
>
>Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
>Clinton : Ditto for Bill.
>
>Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
>Clinton : Ditto for Monica.
>
>Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
>Clinton : Let's not go there.
>
>Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
>Clinton : Monica is forced to return her gifts.
>
>Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
>Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember jack.
>
>Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
>Clinton : Monica... ooh, let's not go there either.
>
>Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
>Clinton : Bill goes home to Hillary... basically the same thing.
>
>
post #113 of 196
This Aggie (Texas A&M student) is chatting up a young lady in a bar. He learns that she, too, is in college.
So he asks, "What school do you go to?
She says, "Yale"
He says, "ok, WHAT SCHOOL DO YOU GO TO???"
post #114 of 196
A pedophile and a little boy are walking in a dark forest at night. The boy says, "Mister, mister, I'm so scared."

The pedophile replies, "You're scared? I still have to walk back alone."
post #115 of 196
The man who walks through the airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.


Sorry, that's the only one I can think of right now

JB
post #116 of 196
After a terrorist alert British Airways have grownded all their flights.
When asked for a response BA said "I aint gettin on no plain, fool!"
post #117 of 196
You all know that China has a population of over a billion people, right (actually it's more like 1,313,973,713 but constantly changing). Anyway, for the sake of argument, let's say one billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand other guys exactly like you!
post #118 of 196
The captain of the Buckingham Palace guards had heard that one of his men had flinched on duty. Appalled by this breach of discipline he decided to question the guard.

Capt. "Stimptson, I heard that you flinched the other day! Is that true, Stimpson?

Guard "Yes Sir!"

Capt. "Would you mind explaining that to me, Stimpson?"

Guard "Well Sir, if you will note the tree to my left. A squirrel ran down the left tree, up my left pantleg and settled in my crotch!"

Capt. "I see, Stimpson. That's when you flinched?"

Guard "No Sir. If you will note the tree to my right. A squirrel ran down the right tree, up my right pantleg and ALSO settled in my crotch."

Capt. "Ahh, so thats when you flinched, Stimpson!"

Guard " No Sir!"

Capt. "Damn it Stimpson, when did you flinch?"

Guard " When I overheard them saying, Let's eat one now and save one for later!"
post #119 of 196
not really my favorite but safe enough for passing along inter-office:

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna.
Suddenly there is a beeping sound.
The first man presses his forearm and the
beeping stops. The others look at him questioningly.
"That's my pager," he says. "I have a
microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings. The second man
lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains,
"That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech but not to
be outdone, decided he had to do something just as
impressive. He steps out of the sauna and goes to the toilet.
He returns with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his ass.

The others raised their eyebrows and said, "Wow!
What's that?"

"I'm getting a Fax"
post #120 of 196
I met a guy with five penises. I said "Five Penises?!?!!?" How does your underwear fit? He said "Don't worry...it fits like a glove."
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