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post #61 of 312
It's very important that one's wife/mate be a best friend ... soul mate as some say. If there are lots of disagreements before the marriage ... they are likely to grow in number after. Of course, this is not to say there won't be a disagreement from time to time ... perhaps even a few passionate disagreements.

But if you don't see eye to eye on the important things before marriage ... watch out after.
post #62 of 312
Quote:
Originally Posted by coolpapaboze View Post
and a disagreement like the one between the OP and his fiancee' is, in my opinion, a harbinger of things to come in the marriage.

my requests were the following:
- The two of us are drinking Salon
- No DJ with their shitty music
- Guests will not be subject to rubbish wine

Everything else is on her, but knowing her taste I am not worried.
post #63 of 312
how much did you spend on the ring?

my buddy spend 20K on the ring, and went medium size on the wedding...
post #64 of 312
Quote:
Originally Posted by Teacher View Post
Spend far less, have a nice and simple wedding, and two things will be accomplished:

1. Your wedding day will be FAR less stressful; and

2. You'll have lots of money to invest in your future instead of blowing a wad on ONE GODDAM DAY.

Sincerely,

Guy who's been through all this

take this advice...print it, carry it in your wallet...read this EVERY FECKIN DAY. Also keep in mind you have a 50% chance it wont last....would you blow 20K on a coin toss? (bad example i know)
post #65 of 312
Quote:
Originally Posted by DerekS View Post
tAlso keep in mind you have a 50% chance it wont last....would you blow 20K on a coin toss? (bad example i know)
Excellent. Make sure to bring this into the discussion with your fiancée as a good argument for saving on the wedding
post #66 of 312
I'd say if one goes into a wedding thinking that there is a 50% chance it won't last ... it's a done deal that that 50% can be changed to 100%.
post #67 of 312
In response to OP's question mine came in at about $35k. My wife is Indian, however, and while she and I couldn't care less how we got married, her mother insisted on the "traditional Indian wedding". We had 300+ guests and about 10 different people had custom garments sewn in India for the affair. My wife's parents are very financially secure and took care of the whole thing, so I really didn't put up too much of a fuss. As to your particular situation I would break things down into three scenarios (most likely skip to Scenario C): Scenario A - Her parents, your parents, or a combination of the two can afford and offer to pay for the wedding. In this case, I would be less inclined to object as much. Scenario B - Her parents, your parents, or a combination of the two offer to pay for the wedding, but deep down inside you know that things would be much easier for them down the road if they didn't. Here, you can be a bit more assertive. You can always play the, "Well, it might be my parents living in our basement someday" card. Scenario C - You are paying for the wedding with your own money. Based on the fact that you felt compelled to create a post on this forum prompted by your own financial misgivings about spending that much, I can only assume that you are not a spendthrift and do give heed to financial future that you and your wife will create together. Given this, it would seem that you and your fiancee have a major difference of opinion on how you want to approach your life together financially. In my own personal experience I can tell you that it is really important for couple to be on board when it comes to money matters. You need to have a very frank and earnest discussion with her before you get married. When people quote statistics like "50% of married couples get divorced", it isn't because the cosmic forces of the universe lined up against them and forced them apart. More often than not, it is because they have major difference of opinion of significant issues (like money, kids, religion). If your fiancee insists on spending 30k on a wedding to be paid for with YOUR money, and you have reservations about it, you need to reach some sort of resolution. You caving into her wants and desires isn't resolution. I admit it maybe hard and not very fun. You may spend a few nights on the couch, but in the end I think you will find that it is much better for your long term relationship. I know, I know bring on the tl:dr!
post #68 of 312
I have a friend who paid a very large dowry. That was a real trip watching that since he doesn't believe in any of that but her family and his parents evidently did. If I ever want him to feel bad, I'll pay for his drink and remind him it's because of how he got screwed on the dowry.

OK back to moving.
post #69 of 312
Quote:
Originally Posted by gdl203 View Post
Excellent. Make sure to bring this into the discussion with your fiancée as a good argument for saving on the wedding

post #70 of 312
Please remember that the estimates you are reading depend heavily on the location. A wedding in NYC costs more than some small town in the midwest.

We spent approx. 20k of my In-law's money. Afterwards they let us keep the remainder fo the budget. Had we known this was the deal we would have eloped and kept the cash.

We had a very informal wedding--cocktail party, brief civil ceremony, dinner and dancing. Not quite 100 people. Mid-Atlantic region of the US.

Now that it's years past, my wife says we should have walked to the court house and fogotten all the hoopla, no matter the money. It was actually something I advocated for at the beginning. Whatever. We had fun.

If it were my cash, I'd go the local justice of the peace and pay the court fee. Invite your family and friends, then head out to a nice restaurant. Spend the money on your honeymoon and a house.

Whatever you do about the budget, do not hassle her on the price of her dress. Whatever she gets is perfect--do not dream of uttering a word to the contrary.



b
post #71 of 312
We had two celebrations--one in Spain and one in California. Close family went to both, extended family and friends went whichever one(s) they wanted to. I paid for the one in the US--about 40 people, about 15K. Her family paid for the one in Spain, and I think it was about the same. So our total was maybe 30K, but we got two awesome parties out of it. For me, I think any more than about 40 or 50 guests and you (the bride & groom) don't really get to spend quality time with too many of them. I have often been a guest at a reception of 100+ and, although I have a good time, it has almost nothing to do with the people getting married.

We saved on 4 big things: her dress--she specifically wanted something stylish but reasonable ( ); a non-pro friend took pix at both events (we paid him, but not what pros would charge); no specifically "wedding" cake; and we just had an ipod for music. We splurged on flowers, food, and drink. And my shoes.
post #72 of 312
I had a very clear cut idea of what I wanted - almost identical to what Matt said. my wife had a clear cut idea of what she wanted. my level of investment in what I wanted was a tiny fraction of what her investment was - remember, girls have been thinking about this for their whole life. seriously, this is not the battle that you want to fight. the 10K is nothing compared to a nice quiet life together. on top of that, I ended up really enjoying our party. go with the flow.
post #73 of 312
Quote:
Originally Posted by GQgeek View Post
Can someone explain the appeal of a big wedding to me? I REALLY don't get it. Wtf would i want to spend all that money on people I never see and that I wouldn't miss if they were dead?

I have no idea, and I had a big one. My mother in law though is in competition to do things better than her sisters can...the fact that our families dropped almost $100,000 in two days baffles me (both families are middle class). The food was ok, catered, drinks were ok (how much alcohol can one really consume?), Band was great, my wife looked beautiful, I was a fat bastard. Everyone knew we were two teachers as well...no one was going to be making "baller $" in the future...it still pisses me off when we go see her family. Now we make ends meet, but things could have been so much easier if there wasn't so much fucking competition in the family. What particularly kills me, is that my folks got roped into it as well. My brother's getting married this summer...small, at a local restaurant...if it costs $5k it'll be a lot. But if you love the girl, and she ain't budging, you really only have two choices...do what she wants, or break it off, but whatever you do, make sure YOU are cool with it, and it sounds like you're not cool with paying $25k for a "party".
post #74 of 312
Quote:
Originally Posted by gomestar View Post
my requests were the following:
- The two of us are drinking Salon
- No DJ with their shitty music
- Guests will not be subject to rubbish wine

Everything else is on her, but knowing her taste I am not worried.

It sounds like your situation is a lot different than the OPs, and you're in a good place. You seem to be indifferent for the most part, someone else is paying, and you're not trying to convince your fiancee of the efficacy of downsizing the wedding, and spending the money on something with tangible long term value, like a house. That difference in priorities, wedding vs down payment on a house, is what I see being a potential problem down the road for the OP.
post #75 of 312
Quote:
Originally Posted by pocketsquareguy View Post
A variety of thoughts come to mind:

...

However, if you are trying to save money, then consider a smaller scale, simple wedding. There is really no other way.

This happened with my step daughter two years ago. She ended up asking me to arrange it for her after she couldn't make the numbers work. We had it in Mexico, with 35 significant people, for less than half the price of having it at Bay Area wineries or resorts. Plus, had it been local, she would have felt "forced" to invite many more people. She loved it! Consider a destination wedding as a way to drop names off the guest list.

The best weddings I have attended have all been smaller gatherings.

Plus 100. Crazy the debt people go into for weddings. I really hope I don't have to deal with a chick that wants a 2-500 person shitshow.
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