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parenting question

post #1 of 56
12/20/10 at 12:59pm
Thread Starter 
ok, parenting question -

your kid has a birthday party coming up. 17 kids in the class. there is one kid who has some anger and violence issues - has beaten a kid (not your kid) pretty badly unprovoked, and has a lot of other disciplinary issues. your kid wants to invite the whole class, aside from this one kid. your rule is - either the whole class, or less than half the class, but you can't exclude one or two kids.

your wife knows the kid is question and doesn;t want him at the party, either - he is simply too much to handle.

what do you do?
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post #2 of 56
12/20/10 at 1:06pm
My inclination would be to invite the kid and make him my responsibility. That way mom can manage the party without too much concern for the problem kid. It's a good lesson for your child - sometimes you have to find a way to deal with people you'd rather avoid.

That said, I'm a profoundly inexperienced parent, and my opinion is purely gut instinct. I'm very curious to see what other, more experienced, parents have to say.
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post #3 of 56
12/20/10 at 1:07pm
don't invite the other kid. pretty simple. you are not breaking you rule for your child...you are breaking it because of the actions of another child.
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post #4 of 56
12/20/10 at 1:13pm
tough question.

Before I went ahead, I'd have to know just how involved his parents are in managing him and his issues. If they're knowledgeable, concerned, and taking action, then I'd invite the child and see if a parent comes along. I'd welcome the parent's presence to manage the child.

If the parents are indifferent, then that's a harder call. At our son's bday, he had some of the class regulars and an autistic/troubled boy from the prior year - and I ended up making the autistic boy my responsibility. It turned out well enough, except that he arrived in some of his mom's clothes (costume party) including lucite heels - so when the time came for basketball he borrowed a pair of running shoes which I've yet to see again. ah well.
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post #5 of 56
12/20/10 at 1:15pm
I would invite the problem child with the following provisions.

One of their parents need to be present and you make it very clear to them that if any problems arise they are no longer welcome and expected to leave immediately. That puts the responsibility to control a child back in the parents hands which is wear it belongs in the first place.

If this arrangement is unacceptable then the kid can stay home.

Of course GT if the wife says she doesn't want him around then you better see if what I just said would work with her. If she sticks to her guns then tread lightly my friend. You know all about picking your fights wisely.
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post #6 of 56
12/20/10 at 1:50pm
Thread Starter 
I think that the talking to the other parent issue might work. have to see.
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post #7 of 56
12/20/10 at 1:56pm
Yikes. Rough situation. I don't have a ton of insight - talking to the other parents sounds like a good idea on the surface, but it gets really thorny if you do that and then still don't want to invite the kid. I'd imagine there's a reason the kid beats up others, and that reason often starts at home, and those aren't the kind of people you necessarily want all pissed at you and your family, especially your kid. Remember though that just not talking about it and not inviting the kid sends a pretty clear picture to the kid in question, who is not exactly going to let your kid off the hook at school, when you are not around to play protector. I suppose in the end I'd say to invite the kid and make him your responsibility. The most important thing may be to talk to your own child and make sure he/she understands your rationale, and how it takes his/her own wellbeing into account.
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post #8 of 56
12/20/10 at 2:04pm
Thread Starter 
thanks - an additional clarification. the kid isn't picking on, beating up, my kid - my kid just doesn't like him because he picks on kids and is violent. he kicked the shit out of a friend of my son, just to show that he could, for instance.
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post #9 of 56
12/20/10 at 2:06pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by globetrotter View Post
thanks - an additional clarification. the kid isn't picking on, beating up, my kid - my kid just doesn't like him because he picks on kids and is violent. he kicked the shit out of a friend of my son, just to show that he could, for instance.

I understand that he is not beating him up for the moment. But if he is notably excluded from a birthday party (there's no way that stays a secret for long), he may decide to show that he can beat up your son, too.
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post #10 of 56
12/20/10 at 2:12pm
invite him to a different location, and when he asks.. tell your son to tell him he missed the party.
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post #11 of 56
12/20/10 at 2:13pm
I'm wondering if inviting the parent of the violent kid wouldn't work or make things worse just because maybe the parent of the violent kid is the problem.

It sounds like this kid is acting out in someway and kids don't typically do that unless there's some type of medical problem or dysfunction in the family.
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post #12 of 56
12/20/10 at 2:14pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Douglas View Post
I understand that he is not beating him up for the moment. But if he is notably excluded from a birthday party (there's no way that stays a secret for long), he may decide to show that he can beat up your son, too.

good point. but, frankly, that can 't be part of my decision, and I certainly can't tell my son that he has to invite him so that he doesn't get beaten up.
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post #13 of 56
12/20/10 at 2:53pm
Being the kids charge is a dangerous thing. If nothing happens then it's all good. The problem comes when he goes off the handle. You deal with him and Johnny Rotten's parents decide to sue you or have you thrown in jail for "abuse".

GT your kid doesn't want him around and neither does your wife correct? Don't invite him and screw worrying about being PC.
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post #14 of 56
12/20/10 at 3:07pm
It is a day to celebrate your child's arrival, not a day to teach life lessons or worry about some random troublemaker. On the other hand, insisting on inviting him will teach your child that rules are inflexible - which they rarely are in life.

But really, in these situations it is usually best to just make your wife happy and not over think things.
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post #15 of 56
12/20/10 at 3:51pm
Thread Starter 
good points - actually, I had decided not to invite the kid, but I was mulling over the issue, before I posted. I was more thinking about if to have a smaller party or really invite everyone but the one kid. now I am not sure.

a few other people suggested inviting the kid, but talking to the parents and asking them to take responsibility for the kid.


when I was about my son's age, I went to a camp with "fresh air kids" - essentially urban kids who were sponsored to go to camp with middle class kids. I remember how much I was tormented by my interactions with them and hated it. on the other hand, I learned a lot from it. so I really am torn.
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