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Girlfriend's Crazy Ex-Boyfriend - what to do?

post #1 of 286
Thread Starter 
Kind of a tricky situation, not quite sure what I should do. I'll try to keep it brief.

My new girlfriend (2 months or so), still lives with her ex-boyfriend at the moment, due to being a) completely broke and in debt, and b) unable to find an affordable place yet with her mom or a friend. They were in a long-term relationship (5 years or so), but for the last year or so, she's been trying to leave him because he's a 26 year old stoner with no prospects besides minimum wage jobs, but didn't/couldn't because of the financial situation. Well about 5 or 6 months ago she finally pulled the trigger and broke up with him, although it was pretty much just a formality because for all intents and purposes they've been "broken up" for a year or so.

Anyways, he's still madly in love with her, and obsessive/unstable on occasion. So today she calls me before work and says he left her a note saying something along the lines of "I'm gonna slit his throat, chop him up and cut his dick off" (talking about me), and she said in the past he's had episodes where he blacks out from anger and goes crazy. He's never done anything to anyone, and he's a wanna-be rapper/tough guy, but his instability and anger issues still provide cause for concern. Not to mention his apartment is right across the street from my work.

The point of this thread is to ask for recommendations as to what I could/should do to keep myself safe in the event that he does try to do something. (He would never lay a hand on my GF, that's why I didn't mention that). I told her to grab the note before she left for work, and she's going to bring it over tonight when she comes over and I'm going to file a police report.

But, I'm not really worried about the legal aspects of it, I'm more worried about what to do in the in the immediate moment if he decides to come to my work out of nowhere and try to do something. A restraining order is obviously useful/necessary, but won't do anything to physically stop someone from doing something. For information purposes, we're about the same size...I've got a couple inches on him and he's got a couple pounds on me, and I am much stronger than him (as mentioned by my girlfriend many times previously in casual conversation).

Also, leaving her is not an option, I've recently fallen in love with her, and I can see us being together for many years to come.

TL;DR: Girlfriend's crazy ex-bf is making death threats...what should I do to protect myself in the event he tries to come to my work and blindside me?
post #2 of 286
Well getting hold of a gun would be a good start. Tell your secretary/building security not to let him in would be another. If you're genuinely nervous about a conflict then ordering a Tazer from the internet might give you a little security?
post #3 of 286
looks like you got yourself in a pickle. been with her for 2 months and youre in love? i think thats what I would be worried about.

But I digress...ive been in a similar situation before...im sure youll be fine..i wouldnt sweat it.
post #4 of 286
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackhood View Post
Well getting hold of a gun would be a good start.

Tell your secretary/building security not to let him in would be another. If you're genuinely nervous about a conflict then ordering a Tazer from the internet might give you a little security?

its new york...good luck with getting a gun. Legally anyway. haha.

but this is always sound advice.
post #5 of 286
Hell, you're an asshole. You're dating a girl who takes advantage of and abuses her boyfriend, staying at his place while dating someone else? And then you plan on filing a police report to get him in trouble for (albeit exaggeratedly) expressing his rage? Here's my assessment: you're an asshole, your GF has no shame and her ex is a total sucker for not throwing her sorry broke ass out of his crib.

Shame on all of you.
post #6 of 286
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blackhood View Post
Well getting hold of a gun would be a good start. Tell your secretary/building security not to let him in would be another. If you're genuinely nervous about a conflict then ordering a Tazer from the internet might give you a little security?
I'm in Canada, so the gun isn't a possibility, and I don't think the taser is either. I work in a shitty retail job (I'm 19 and in university), so there isn't any security or anything, just 3-5 people working at a time. I would consider a taser or something like that if I could find one that I could buy from Canada, because the legal repercussions of using it would be less bad than being dead.
post #7 of 286
Uhh

[scold on/

how did you get yourselves into this mess? She should've known better before getting involved with someone else while still living with her ex (unstable or not that's just fucking weird). How fucked up his her life that she can't find anyone, ANYONE that would put her up on their couch for a few weeks given she's stuck with a nutjob? How fucked up are you that you got involved with someone with so much baggage? Why couldn't you be her friend, help her get out of his shadow then boan her?

/scold off]
post #8 of 286
Could always be worse: could be your girl friend's husband she's still living with.
post #9 of 286
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DerekS View Post
looks like you got yourself in a pickle. been with her for 2 months and youre in love? i think thats what I would be worried about.

But I digress...ive been in a similar situation before...im sure youll be fine..i wouldnt sweat it.

Yeah, it kind of just happened, we moved pretty fast. But I've known her for about a year and a half, and I've always seen her as someone I could easily see myself with, I just never let myself feel anything because of her situation with her ex. But she's definitely someone I can see myself spending a long time with.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sartorialism View Post
Hell, you're an asshole. You're dating a girl who takes advantage of and abuses her boyfriend, staying at his place while dating someone else? And then you plan on filing a police report to get him in trouble for (albeit exaggeratedly) expressing his rage? Here's my assessment: you're an asshole, your GF has no shame and her ex is a total sucker for not throwing her sorry broke ass out of his crib.

Shame on all of you.

Hopefully you're trolling. If not, I'll try to address that. It's not his place, they're jointly on the lease, and his dad is paying for it because he's 26 and can't take care of himself. And yes, I'm planning on filing a police report, so it is on file in case he does try to do something. And ftr, I'm not an asshole.
post #10 of 286
Dump her. You don't owe her anything and you might need to rethink the sort of people you choose to associate with.

If you choose to stick with her, you choose whatever bullshit may or may not happen. I hope the ex doesn't kill you.
post #11 of 286
Quote:
Originally Posted by Incman View Post
I'm in Canada, so the gun isn't a possibility, and I don't think the taser is either. I work in a shitty retail job (I'm 19 and in university), so there isn't any security or anything, just 3-5 people working at a time. I would consider a taser or something like that if I could find one that I could buy from Canada, because the legal repercussions of using it would be less bad than being dead.


Best think you could carry in Canada is a Kubotan, but that takes training to use properly. PM me some actual details and I may be able to give you suggestions or get you some help.
post #12 of 286
Quote:
Originally Posted by Incman View Post
Yeah, it kind of just happened, we moved pretty fast. But I've known her for about a year and a half, and I've always seen her as someone I could easily see myself with, I just never let myself feel anything because of her situation with her ex. But she's definitely someone I can see myself spending a long time with.

Hopefully you're trolling. If not, I'll try to address that. It's not his place, they're jointly on the lease, and his dad is paying for it because he's 26 and can't take care of himself. And yes, I'm planning on filing a police report, so it is on file in case he does try to do something. And ftr, I'm not an asshole.

Um. It's his place.
And you say your gf and this dude had a 5-year relationship? You're 19; how old is she?

There's enough bad karma in this situation to last you for quite awhile, man. Tread carefully.
post #13 of 286
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jodum5 View Post
Uhh

[scold on/

how did you get yourselves into this mess? She should've known better before getting involved with someone else while still living with her ex (unstable or not that's just fucking weird). How fucked up his her life that she can't find anyone, ANYONE that would put her up on their couch for a few weeks given she's stuck with a nutjob? How fucked up are you that you got involved with someone with so much baggage? Why couldn't you be her friend, help her get out of his shadow then boan her?

/scold off]

I'll try to answer in order. Her life has been pretty fucked up, she's had a lot of things happen and doesn't have any family besides her mom, who lives in a bachelor apartment with no sleeping arrangements other than a couch. I wouldn't say I'm fucked up, I just know that she is an amazing person, and I'm willing to put up with the "baggage" for the time being, because she is more than worth it. I have been her friend, but my idea of relationships with women is not "hit it and quit it". I'm well aware that doesn't fit in with the typical MO of some people on here, but it's not something I chose.
post #14 of 286
Get a hold of the note and get a restraining order. Don't be a tough guy. Just because he hasn't been violent before doesn't mean there won't be a first time.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sartorialism View Post
Hell, you're an asshole. You're dating a girl who takes advantage of and abuses her boyfriend, staying at his place while dating someone else? And then you plan on filing a police report to get him in trouble for (albeit exaggeratedly) expressing his rage? Here's my assessment: you're an asshole, your GF has no shame and her ex is a total sucker for not throwing her sorry broke ass out of his crib.

Shame on all of you.

Well, that's nice and helpful. You should become a therapist. I bet you'd be very good at it.
post #15 of 286
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dakota rube View Post
Um. It's his place.
And you say your gf and this dude had a 5-year relationship? You're 19; how old is she?

There's enough bad karma in this situation to last you for quite awhile, man. Tread carefully.

Not quite sure what you mean by it's his place. They've been splitting the rent for the 2 or so years they've lived together, and it's only been the past couple months that his dad's been paying, because her ex couldn't come up with his share. Sorry if I wasn't clear. I'm 19, she's 21. He's 26. He was 21 dating and manipulating a 16 year old.

I am treading as carefully as I can, but I've never been this sure about anything or anyone, so it's not something I want to (or am even able to) throw away just like that.
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