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Valuable advice to most Americans

post #1 of 124
Thread Starter 
1. When in restaurant do not try to out-yell the music that usually blaring through speakers.

2. When conversing in a crowded bar/restaurant, talk at a normal volume or sit closer. Stop yelling you platitudes over entire city block.

3. When laughing try to laugh like a human and not like a horse. Reduce volume 10 fold. This advice is equally important to men and women.

4. Stop whistling in public places!!!

5. Chew with your mouth closed and without sounds!

6. Cover your mouth with your hand when yawning.

7. Once in a while eat your lunch with fork and knife instead of your both hands.

8. Talk less often about sports or new cars.


Feel free to add.
post #2 of 124
9. Don't annoy any non-Americans in your vicinity, because otherwise they'll post positively scathing criticisms of your behavior on obscure message boards.
post #3 of 124
10. Stop rocking the shit out of the rest of the world.
post #4 of 124
"Once in a while eat your lunch with fork and knife instead of your both hands."

couldn't agree more. what is it with americans and not using a knife? a lot of them seem to 'scoop' all their food up with just a fork. it looks disgusting. i'm by no means saying ALL americans eat like this, but a fair amount seem to have terrible manners. maybe i'm just a stuffy stuck up brit.
post #5 of 124
11. Feel free to abstain from giving advice to people

(I like this new one)
post #6 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by johnnymarrsbarres
"Once in a while eat your lunch with fork and knife instead of your both hands."

couldn't agree more. what is it with americans and not using a knife? a lot of them seem to 'scoop' all their food up with just a fork. it looks disgusting. i'm by no means saying ALL americans eat like this, but a fair amount seem to have terrible manners. maybe i'm just a stuffy stuck up brit.

I was told when I was younger not to push my food onto my fork with my knife, because "You eat like a European!" that way.

post #7 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by johnnymarrsbarres
what is it with americans and not using a knife? a lot of them seem to 'scoop' all their food up with just a fork. it looks disgusting.

Eating food with just a fork disgusts you? How do you even go to the bathroom?
post #8 of 124
Ugh, the last thing I'd want is to be mistaken for a "European". Disgusting people.

Rather than merely increasing the volume of their conversation in loud places, they use it as an excuse to invade my personal space. I think europeans are all gay.

When laughing, they never seem genuine, like they are laughing to be polite or something. Which of course, is insulting.

They cover their mouths when they yawn, as if they have something to hide.

They rudely make no noise when they eat, as if their meal is unsatisfactory or boring.

They are too tentative. When trying to get someone's attention in a busy area, they insist on spending ten minutes waving their hanky around like some sort of a little girl, when one sharp whistle will get everyone's attention, and those people who don't know you can then resume ignoring you and go about their day.

They use twice as much (or more) silverware than anyone else, showing their obvious disdain for the common man's hatred of washing silverware. People who put a little THOUGHT into their actions realize that eating with your hands off a paper plate is the noblest way to eat your lunch, as it inconveniences the least amount of people.

Europeans spend too much time talking about literature and art. Thats chick stuff. Are they embarassed to admit they don't know anything about sports and cars?
post #9 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tokyo Slim
Ugh, the last thing I'd want is to be mistaken for a "European". Disgusting people.

Rather than merely increasing the volume of their conversation in loud places, they use it as an excuse to invade my personal space. I think europeans are all gay.

When laughing, they never seem genuine, like they are laughing to be polite or something. Which of course, is insulting.

They cover their mouths when they yawn, as if they have something to hide.

They rudely make no noise when they eat, as if their meal is unsatisfactory or boring.

They are too tentative. When trying to get someone's attention in a busy area, they insist on spending ten minutes waving their hanky around like some sort of a little girl, when one sharp whistle will get everyone's attention, and those people who don't know you can then resume ignoring you and go about their day.

They use twice as much (or more) silverware than anyone else, showing their obvious disdain for the common man's hatred of washing silverware. People who put a little THOUGHT into their actions realize that eating with your hands off a paper plate is the noblest way to eat your lunch, as it inconveniences the least amount of people.

Europeans spend too much time talking about literature and art. Thats chick stuff. Are they embarassed to admit they don't know anything about sports and cars?

Absolutely positively brilliant.
post #10 of 124
this thread is a troller's delight but i can't resist. fuck off dkzzzz.

-Jeff
post #11 of 124
Thread Starter 
Oh yes, one more thing.

Set your sprinkler system to water your lawn after sunset.
Watering your lawn at noon in 90 degree heat is retarded as driving Hummer.
post #12 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tokyo Slim
Ugh, the last thing I'd want is to be mistaken for a "European". Disgusting people.

Rather than merely increasing the volume of their conversation in loud places, they use it as an excuse to invade my personal space. I think europeans are all gay.

When laughing, they never seem genuine, like they are laughing to be polite or something. Which of course, is insulting.

They cover their mouths when they yawn, as if they have something to hide.

They rudely make no noise when they eat, as if their meal is unsatisfactory or boring.

They are too tentative. When trying to get someone's attention in a busy area, they insist on spending ten minutes waving their hanky around like some sort of a little girl, when one sharp whistle will get everyone's attention, and those people who don't know you can then resume ignoring you and go about their day.

They use twice as much (or more) silverware than anyone else, showing their obvious disdain for the common man's hatred of washing silverware. People who put a little THOUGHT into their actions realize that eating with your hands off a paper plate is the noblest way to eat your lunch, as it inconveniences the least amount of people.

Europeans spend too much time talking about literature and art. Thats chick stuff. Are they embarassed to admit they don't know anything about sports and cars?

And they all speak English (when they can be bothered to learn it) with ridiculous accents - especially the British.
post #13 of 124
Quote:
Originally Posted by JBZ
And they all speak English (when they can be bothered to learn it) with ridculous accents - especially the British.
Word! Learn to talk right! (or go back to where you came from!)
post #14 of 124
There's no winning with Americans...
I was in Knightsbridge tube station the other day, and I took a call on my mobile before boarding the train; it just so happened that I was standing near the underground map, whence I saw an American couple, quite old, with baseball cap, back pack and all.
I decided to be a good representative for my country, and tried to help them out; so I said to them:
"Where are you trying to get to?"
"Holland"
At this point, I thought to myself, forget it... Better not to ask them how they intend to get to Holland from Knightsbridge underground station, as they may find it rude. However, I think they read the subconscious, bewildered expression on my face, so the man continued,
"Holland Park"
"Ah, well you ought to take the Piccadilly line east to Holborn and then take a Central Line back west to Holland Park"
"But it looks much closer if we change at Green Park and Bond Street"

At this point I gave up, and walked off... I really did not want to get into a discussion about how the Tube map is not to scale or geographically accurate. Not only that, but they would also spend longer waiting for trains. Surely, they would realise that a man with a local accent, in a suit is not going to direct them wrongly, particularly given they were in T-Shirts and Shorts... Hear Hear!
post #15 of 124
12. Stop inventing things. We liked snail-mail.
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