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How to get over a break-up?

post #1 of 131
4/29/04 at 1:18am
Thread Starter 
I know this is in the wrong forum, but I dont know how many people check the other forums frequently. Feel free to move it after it gets a few replies... Anyway, just got out of a 2 1/2 year relationship with my girlfriend. The past few months have been rough, and the last two weeks have been especially bad. Yesterday, she basically said she hates everything about my personality and who I am - that hurt. I felt no passion or spark between us, so I broke it off today. I feel kind of regretful - we did have many good times and there was a lot of love. However, things happened that should never happen in a relationship. This was my first long relationship, and I've never had to deal with this for more than a week or so. I can imagine how hard it's going to be to move on and forget about things (should I want to forget about her - I dont really want to). I don't want to move on too fast. However, while there were so many good times, I think this is the best thing. I'm in college and have missed out on many experiences being tied down in a relationship. Still, I feel I've made a bad move. Friends tell me that I shouldn't have to deal with all the junk that happened - still I didn't mind and brushed it off when it happened. I need some sort of closure - I would feel weird calling her or asking for my things back. Anyone have any suggestions to ease the pain (besides drinking my troubles away)? Thanks, I appreciate the responses - I need them.
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post #2 of 131
4/29/04 at 1:48am
You didn't make a bad move by ending this relationship. Now you're free to be your own person. I'm not envious of people in college still in long-term relationships. I feel quite sorry for how restricted they must feel. You'll get over it in a year I'm not a believer in passionate love. That stuff lasts for a while and feels great, but tends to have a short shelf life. I would argue that a long-term relationship built around that, isn't. Something you may want to think about.
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post #3 of 131
4/29/04 at 1:49am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
You'll get over it in a year
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I can't wait that long.
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post #4 of 131
4/29/04 at 1:50am
Hey, it took me that long to get over mine, and I'm a pretty stoic and cold person. There's plenty you can do in the meantime. Like take up a sport or a hobby
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post #5 of 131
4/29/04 at 1:53am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Hey, it took me that long to get over mine, and I'm a pretty stoic and cold person. There's plenty you can do in the meantime. Like take up a sport or a hobby
I have a feeling this will take a while - I tend to care too much about people, even though they might not reciprocate the feelings or treat me poorly. I guess that's my flaw. As far as hobbies....I suppose I could start 'collecting' fine clothing. I played racquetball with a friend after a fight with my girlfriend - now that is a great way to blow off some steam and forget about your troubles. Nothing like a ball flying by your head at 50 MPH to take your mind off things.
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post #6 of 131
4/29/04 at 2:01am
You could listen to John Cougar (Mellencamp's) "I Need a Lover" a few times...That's what I did after my last big break-up in WI. And I gave up on Midwestern girls and moved out here... But the relationship lasted 9 months and I swear it took me two years to get over. Psychologists say the time ratio is 2:1. Drinking won't help IMO as alcohol is a depressant. I could suggest a book...Byron Katie's "Loving What Is".
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post #7 of 131
4/29/04 at 2:02am
I had my heart broken in my last year at university - the first time is always the hardest. My advice is to put as much emotional distance between you and her as possible, and that means meeting as many women as you can, going out to dinner with them, wooing them, etc. That way you will focus on whether one of these new girls is right for you, rather than brood on what went wrong with the old one. Think about all the girls that you thought "what if?" about, and give them a call. Flirt - you're allowed to do it, now that you're not spoken for, and it's a stylish thing to do. Don't be desperate, nothing has to come of these encounters, but you want to be out there making comparisons, looking hard at other alternatives. For what it's worth, it's almost certain that she will want to come back, probably for the wrong reasons. If she has been unpleasant, then refusing her will give you moral satisfaction. If the break-up has been amicable, you have been out playing the field, then you will have a better perspective on whether she is right for you, and be able to take a more informed decision about whether to resume. Good luck. You will get over it and find someone better, but it will take time, and the only thing you can do is find something, or someone else to occupy your mind.
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post #8 of 131
4/29/04 at 2:10am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
You could listen to John Cougar (Mellencamp's) "I Need a Lover" a few times...That's what I did after my last big break-up in WI. And I gave up on Midwestern girls and moved out here... But the relationship lasted 9 months and I swear it took me two years to get over. Psychologists say the time ratio is 2:1. Drinking won't help IMO as alcohol is a depressant. I could suggest a book...Byron Katie's "Loving What Is".
Yeah, I was partly sarcastic about the alcohol - although Thursday Night (thirsty Thursdays) are the standard party night of college kids, and I don't plan to bypass that. Speaking of songs... I've been listening to some sad songs - I guess this is the only time you can feel sorry for yourself without looking like a fool.  However, I was listening to some Zeppelin "Going to California" and these lyrics got me thinking: "Spent my days with a woman unkind, Smoked my stuff and drank all my wine. Made up my mind to make a new start, Going To California with an aching in my heart. Someone told me there's a girl out there, with love in her eyes and flowers in her hair. " Actually, sounds like moving out to Cali isn't a bad idea.  However, I attend college here.  Maybe an unexpected, care-free road trip this summer is in order?
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post #9 of 131
4/29/04 at 2:17am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
I had my heart broken in my last year at university - the first time is always the hardest. My advice is to put as much emotional distance between you and her as possible, and that means meeting as many women as you can, going out to dinner with them, wooing them, etc. That way you will focus on whether one of these new girls is right for you, rather than brood on what went wrong with the old one. Think about all the girls that you thought "what if?" about, and give them a call. Flirt - you're allowed to do it, now that you're not spoken for, and it's a stylish thing to do. Don't be desperate, nothing has to come of these encounters, but you want to be out there making comparisons, looking hard at other alternatives. For what it's worth, it's almost certain that she will want to come back, probably for the wrong reasons. If she has been unpleasant, then refusing her will give you moral satisfaction. If the break-up has been amicable, you have been out playing the field, then you will have a better perspective on whether she is right for you, and be able to take a more informed decision about whether to resume. Good luck. You will get over it and find someone better, but it will take time, and the only thing you can do is find something, or someone else to occupy your mind.
Great advice. Unfortunately, my university is 15 minutes from home. Good side - I live in the dorms and don't plan on coming home much for the rest of the semester. However, when I come home for the summer, I'll be three minutes away from her. Also, she may transfer to my school next year. I love flirting with girls. Very sexy to do, and provides a nice boost of confidence. There was this girl I met last semester - it sounds corny but I could swear she was my soul mate. When we'd talk we would always make eye contact, and I could feel such a strong attraction by just staring in her eyes. Gorgeous, star athlete, perfect body, even better personality...she was taken at the time though . There's a few other girls I'm interested in at my school. However, my best friend also has a 3-year crush on my #1 choice. Don't want to mess things up with us. I talked to her tonight, she wanted to go out again and this was my last chance to get back with her. However, I finalized the break-up. I Feel bad about that, maybe because I denied her something she wanted
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post #10 of 131
4/29/04 at 2:22am
Hey, I'm really sorry to hear what happened - it must feel terrible having to leave behind a good, solid tie and move onto being single again. Especially in college, where life can be hectic and sometimes it's nice to have someone there for you. You're probably in a rough spot right now, but relax and take it easy for a few days, and not really focus on what just happened but take up a few enjoyable activities. After a little while, you'll feel a lot better. Even if things are tough, you've got your entire life ahead of you to find your next relationship.
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post #11 of 131
4/29/04 at 3:53am
you don't need to forget about her and there is no reason to try. she was your girlfriend for a long time and that makes her someone special to you. you will have to change the way you think about her though. if you got together for the right reasons, you can actually be friends. if you didn't get together for the right reasons (hardly anyone does) then just accept that you made a mistake by staying with her for so long. i'm sure deep down inside you've known for a long time, perhaps from the very beginning, that she wasn't the future mrs. versaceman. it was a mistake to stay with her that long but hopefully you'll learn from it and won't make the same mistake again. chalk it up to experience and move on.
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post #12 of 131
4/29/04 at 10:15am
Matador is right. Sometimes ya gotta go through hell to get to heaven. I once fell madly in love with a woman, got engaged and then it fell apart. She turned into a psycho. I suffered badly for a couple of years. But then I met another woman and ended up marrying her. A much better woman, and I was a much better man having gone through what I went through. Today, I thank God that the first relationship didn't work out, because I would have been miserable, and now I am happy with a great lady. So the moral of the story, as County & Western legend Bob Willis, of Bob Willis and the Texas Playboys once sang: "Time changes everything."
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post #13 of 131
4/29/04 at 10:29am
Quote:
I thank God that the first relationship didn't work out, because I would have been miserable
As a guy who's gone through this more than a few times, I say, Amen brother. Time does change everything. But for now, let yourself feel sorry for yourself - listen to Dylan and Springsteen and R.E.M. and whatever is *comfortable* music to you. If you have a good support network, now's the time to use it. When you don't feel like being alone, hang out with buddies - watch the NBA playoffs. If you have good female friends - real friends, not girls you want to sleep with - talk to them. They will be sympathetic, and give you that female presence you are lacking now. Just don't mistake their support for anything more. Good luck man. We've all been there
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post #14 of 131
4/29/04 at 12:37pm
I think that alcohol is a great answer. Wallow in self pity for a while, then drink like a fish for a couple of months. Have a few drunken one night stands, and maybe even a couple where you are so drunk that you can't get it up, then get really depressed about not being able to get it up, then call your ex desperately for a month, then get a shrink and move on. At least, that's what worked for me after my first serious relationship. -Tom
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post #15 of 131
4/29/04 at 12:49pm
Ah, women. Can't live with them, can't have heterosexual intercourse without them. The best thing to do, is to take it one day a time, and to start dating again / one tight stands, when you are ready. It is you who must decide when and where to move on with your life. She was part of your life, and thus had an impact on you. But, experience are best used when whatever education you learned from them is applied to the next great adventure. Jon.
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