how to turn debilitating emotions into motivation?

/enter the mind of bokeh

for the next few minutes you will enter my mind

sorry for the coming rant, but I am in the process of rebuilding myself, and I am working on my mental state, while spending the next few months researching a personal style for myself.

I think everything makes style; from the clothing a person wears, to the way they think and act.

my current project is catching my actions/inactions and trying to pinpoint the trigger. today I have pinpointed what I think is guilt. soo much guilt to the point of debilitating me and making me withdraw into a "comfort zone".



I was previously in a slump of depression+anxiety for about 6 years. But, lately I've been trying to redevelop myself. I finally see the bright side of the tunnel, but there is still work to be done.

Im having a tough time when it comes to guilt. and I seem to be ok with it for a short time, then the guilt bubble bursts and I start to rehash everything I have guilt from. I guess even when I think things are going pretty good, I thihk to myself, ok I made a mistake, forget about it and move on. but really I probably just ignore it, and file it away as a todo in my brain. because later on, all of the different occasions of filed away guilt resurfaces, and hits me with the hammer of debilitation.

This guilt dump gets to the point where it makes me withdraw to counter productive actions (ex: eating, watching tv, surfing the net, etc.), then after that I feel guilty about that also. But, the temporary releif from the emotional distress makes those counter productive actions tempting and easy to use as an escape once the pressure gets on me again.



heres a current example of what happened today that made me question myself and write this post:

I've been working for a family member cleaning+fixing up a large home. Ive been workin on the painting for the last month and only have about 1/4 of it done. Now, I know I am working harder than any other non-professional would be doing at this same project. but I have never done this type of project before so I am learning as I go. nor do I have the equipment a professional would have (ex: paint sprayer, etc.).

I will admit, I have been putting in about 75% effort as far as hours invested into the project per day, but I was told from the start to also enjoy my time here while working. so I have been.. when Im working im 110%, then I take it easy for a while; thinking: " I do in 4 hours what someone else would do in 8hours, so I will bust my butt for 4 hours then relax for 8 ending up with the same result as someone else."

Well, last night I went out to the bar. it was fun and I havent done that in about a year. Yes, I felt socially awkward (another topic for another time), But I tried to accept it and re-learn a little towards my social skills goal. It was a nice time... Until today.

I woke up and felt guilty for going out. I felt guilty for drinking. then all the other guilts from the past month came into play.. I felt guilty for not putting in 8 to 12 hours of work per day at 110% effort on this home project. then I went and grabbed some fast food to ponder about my guilt, it felt relieving. Then after I ate the fast food, I felt guilty about that. I tried to do a little painting, but my mind wouldn't stop focusing on all the guilt, it got to the point where I just wanted to lie down and gather these thoughts and somehow fix them. but I cant go back in time to fix then, so I just feel guilty for it all.

but wait!!! what about the painting...? Oh, I'll get back to that tomorrow after I figure out how to deal with my mind...


This post is exactly what I am thinking as it is happening. it might be a little jumbled, but so are my thoughts on this issue. and that is why I am posting it here.

I considered posting it on a "mental health" type board. but started thinking that everyone on thise forums is probably suffering from the exact issues they post about acting like they know how to fix them. when in fact: they are still in that situation, so their advice is really just a form of hypocrisy.


making this post is helping me sort out the issue a little bit. I mean: right now I am thinking that the solution is easy. I should just live my life each moment doing something productive towards my goals (wait... I have no goals..). but then I fear that if I focus in on one thing, I may miss out on another thing that should be more important.. that leads me to think "Ok, Im going to ponder and be sure I want to do plan A, and not plan B. then I will start tomorrow..

my problem is that tomorrow never comes.


/exit the mind of bokeh

well, at the time of doing the thing I later come to regret it always seems like the best option. but later I always come to feel guilty about that choice.

I tried to give an example or two in the OP. Right now I feel guilty for not having put more time+effort into the home project I have going on. I cant turn back the clock and fix that, so I feel guilty about it all.

this current feeling came into focus this morning after a night out at the bar. I've socially withdrew myself over the last 5 or so years. so, Im trying to rebuild the social side of my personality, and thought going out would be the right thing to do. I went out with a family member; so, the pressure of having to impress someone was not there, and I just enjoyed myself while trying to work on my social skills. what I got out of last night was that I need to work on speaking more clearly, I need to pay attention to what people are saying more, my hearing in bars with music sucks when it comes to listening to others talking and trying to hold a conversation, I need to work on my physical appearance and get back into the gym, I got alot of first looks, but the second look usually resulted in a "meh" type expression on the women. which made me wonder if it's the age difference, or my put of shape physique
.
but I feel those are issues for another time and another topic. todays issue was like you say, guilt and regret. I need to work on avoiding that, not just ignoring it.

I woke up today feeling guilty about last night, to the point of regretting going out. and that along with regretting NOT putting more time+ effort into the home improvement project im in the process of built up to a point of making me sit around and mope.


I think the thing that sent me spiraling down today was when the family member asked how much longer I think it was going to take me to finish the project and I said another month should cover it. then they told me I'm not going to be there another month; when two weeks ago I was told I had all the time I needed jsut do a good job. So, I started pacing myself a little slower, I felt better and the quality of the work looked better since I was taking the time to do it properly.

I don't know.. it may be a coincidence that the overwhelming regret of the progress in the painting project was sparked by a slight hangover. maybe I am just looking for the easy thing to blame it on, drinking the night before...

you're right though. because the drinking was last night, and at the time it was fun. really, it has nothing to do with the past 4 weeks of putting less that 100% effort into this home project.


I became a little bitter about things after my second divorce 6 years ago, and pretty much gave up on everything except life.. now I'm struggleing to rebuild myself.

I haven't smoked any weed in about 5 years.

in further response about the weed. there were other situations that triggeres in my loss of mental control, or at least over-analyzing them leading to inaction or wrong actions.

except for shyness or social anxiety which I have had since I can remember. this rationale of thinking started after my second divorce. from the two cases of child support, the mothers playing head games with my kids against me. and a few faild attempts to deal with the situation medically through prescriptions and reading about depression /anxiety which just made matters worse.

for some reason I feel ther medication changed something about me perminately. it was while taking meds from my doctor to help deal with the situation that I noticed apathy setting in. I still haven't regained feeling the emotions lost. I don't know if I should blame the meds for that, or if I just need to somehow work to regain them. its been about 4 years since taking the meds.

Now, I am 100% against any medication to help with depression, etc.. 99% of the people taking them shouldn't.

BYucko, thanks the point of your post is interesting and makes sense. It's just that, in the heat of the overthinking about things what makes sense is clouded by the irrational thoughts of thinking what I am doing is wrong, etc..

I'm glad I posted this. the process of putting down my jumbled thinking has helped me look at myself a little differently. I'm starting to think the answer is simple. To take action seems like the answer, the end... Everything else is just making up excuses for what I've done or in the case of the painting project haven't done.


I guess the heart of the struggle is always being aware of "is this journey one i want to partake in? is this journey worth investing my time (time is money) into?"







I'm 40