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23, in a 2.5 year relationship, feeling super restless, please advise - Page 5

post #61 of 78
went through the exact same situation. was dating my gf from around 15 and were together for 5 and a half years. i knew i couldnt marry her because there was so much i hadnt experienced and knew i need to be single. it was so hard to do and took a very long time before we actually stopped chilling after the break up etc. but it had to be done. were still friends now and see eachother every once in a while. it broke her heart and made it that much harder for me but i couldnt do it anymore. the open relationship thing is just you being a pussy. you dont want to be in it and this is a way you just want to try n keep from really hurting her. its just going to blow up in your face. just break up.
post #62 of 78
Dude, I am going through the EXACT same fucking thing right now. Just turned 24, my college sweetheart and I have been going out for 3 years now. Just enrolled in law school, she's working. While our lifestyles are different and geographic proximity isn't ideal, we are fucking perfect together. I can count the number of true fights we've had on one hand, sex is phenomenal, she gets along w/ the boys, drinks like a champ, laughs at my shitty juvenile jokes and generally thinks I'm hilarious. Like you, the families get along great and both are fully supportive. But about two months ago, I began feeling this sense of restlessness -- so many new faces, so many new possibilities. The relationship continued to thrive but I had an undeniable sense of vague dissatisfaction. Also like you, i came clean with her about my feelings. She was devastated, although sensed it was coming, and I feel like a selfish dickhead now. But at the same time, I want to marry her one day and you need to be selfish sometimes to make a lt relationship thrive. I can say with 100% certainty that if we continued dating for the next 4 years and then got married, this feeling would bubble up again sooner or later and at that point it's WAY less acceptable to act on b/c you've invested so many of your 'marketable' years in each other and there's a marriage and possibly kids at stake. Fuck that. Like many of the comments here pointed out, if I don't use these golden years wisely (i.e. by sticking my cock into as many women as possible and familiarizing myself with the many different flavors of female while I'm still a good looking dude) the feeling of 'wondering what might have been' will eat you alive and manifest itself as resentment toward your partner. We are both faced with the very real possibility of losing them forever to another guy. If that weren't the case, she probably wouldn't be worth dating in the first place and this would be a non-issue. It's scary, it's a big leap. If that happens, we will have learned something important about the value and scarcity of good women. If you get back together, assuming you've handled this with decorum and stayed in contact, the relationship will be better off. I realize this is a relatively old forum so sorry if this advice is too little too late. I would love to talk to you about what happened w/ you so i can learn from it.
post #63 of 78
I guess everyone will advise you from what they have been through. I think there are many "true loves" out there for everyone. The hard part is findiing them and not screwing it up once you do.

I'm still with the one I started dating at 22. We stayed together on and off in a long distance sense as I finished medical school, got married and couldn't be happier. Many of my friends have really screwed things up for themselves along the way and some are very unhappily divorced or never married. I pity them as the dating pool gets very shallow in middle age.
post #64 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by dj8man11 View Post
Like many of the comments here pointed out, if I don't use these golden years wisely (i.e. by sticking my cock into as many women as possible and familiarizing myself with the many different flavors of female while I'm still a good looking dude) the feeling of 'wondering what might have been' will eat you alive and manifest itself as resentment toward your partner.

How are you so sure you'll feel like that when you're older? If you're a fellow lawyer, you're probably very practical-minded and for me at least, I don't give a shit anymore if I spent my high school years or whatever as ideally as possible, do you? The same goes for thinking about your 20's once you're in your 30's... rational people don't worry about the past once it's truly gone.

I'm almost 26 and I feel the same way as everyone else... any normal male, subject to the results of 500,000+ years of evolution, is naturally going to feel restless when it comes to the mating urge. I don't think there's any easy answers to any of these questions about what one should do, one is always going to feel slightly dissatisfied no matter what. It's not like once you sex a specific amount of women and reach a magical age, you'll all of a sudden be perfectly content to settle down and marry.
post #65 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by Svenn View Post
How are you so sure you'll feel like that when you're older? If you're a fellow lawyer, you're probably very practical-minded and for me at least, I don't give a shit anymore if I spent my high school years or whatever as ideally as possible, do you? The same goes for thinking about your 20's once you're in your 30's... rational people don't worry about the past once it's truly gone.

I'm almost 26 and I feel the same way as everyone else... any normal male, subject to the results of 500,000+ years of evolution, is naturally going to feel restless when it comes to the mating urge. I don't think there's any easy answers to any of these questions about what one should do, one is always going to feel slightly dissatisfied no matter what. It's not like once you sex a specific amount of women and reach a magical age, you'll all of a sudden be perfectly content to settle down and marry.

sounds like youre trying to convince yourself. its about living and having no regrets. its not a number etc. even if you dont bang any, its the point that you arent thinking coulda woulda shoulda. you tried and you did what you wanted. you never have to look back with what ifs.
post #66 of 78
I would advise any male in this situation to read We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love by Robert Johnson. I'm not even going to try to explain it, because I would be doing the book a great disservice if I wrote anything less than a well thought out essay (which I have neither the time nor the patience to do right now). Just know it is a quick and interesting read that uses the myth of Tristan and Iseult to explain the psychology of romantic love (hence the title) both in the West and the East. Johnson is a student of Carl Jung and while one might not agree with everything written in the book (I didn't) there will be things in the book that will alter one's way of thinking about romatic relationships for the better. In fact, I would advise every male to read this book, regardless of whether he is in a relationship. It's that good.
post #67 of 78
I'm 22 and believe me.... stay with her.

Girls come and go... but if you have something special... keep it going.

If you guys fight alot, i would say re-evaluate everything (things will never change). If everything is calm and you are "freaked out" because you're friends are getting theirs, relax.
post #68 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by gdwy89 View Post
I would advise any male in this situation to read We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love by Robert Johnson. I'm not even going to try to explain it, because I would be doing the book a great disservice if I wrote anything less than a well thought out essay (which I have neither the time nor the patience to do right now). Just know it is a quick and interesting read that uses the myth of Tristan and Iseult to explain the psychology of romantic love (hence the title) both in the West and the East. Johnson is a student of Carl Jung and while one might not agree with everything written in the book (I didn't) there will be things in the book that will alter one's way of thinking about romatic relationships for the better.

In fact, I would advise every male to read this book, regardless of whether he is in a relationship. It's that good.

Noted. Will look into purchasing
post #69 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by mbalder2 View Post
I'm 22 and believe me.... stay with her.

Girls come and go... but if you have something special... keep it going.

If you guys fight alot, i would say re-evaluate everything (things will never change). If everything is calm and you are "freaked out" because you're friends are getting theirs, relax.

Very well said. I'm 21 and I feel the same way. This is also something that Johnson addresses in We:

"Many years ago a wise friend gave me a name for human love. She called it "stirring-the-oatmeal" love. She was right: within this phrase, if we will humble ourselves enough to look, is the very essence of what human love is, and it shows us the principal differences between human love and romance.

Stirring oatmeal is a humble act-not exciting or thrilling. But it symbolizes a relatedness that brings love down to earth. It represents a willingness to share ordinary human life, to find meaning in the simple, unromantic tasks: earning a living, living within a budget, putting out the garbage, feeding the baby in the middle of the night. To "stir the oatmeal" means to find the relatedness, the value, even the beauty, in simple and ordinary things, not to eternally demand a cosmic drama, an entertainment, or an extraordinary intensity in everything. Like the rice hulling of the Zen monks, the spinning wheel of Ghandi, the tent making of Saint Paul, it represents the discovery of the sacred in the midst of the humble and ordinary.

Jung once said that feeling is a matter of the small. And in human love, we can see that it is true. The real relatedness between two people is experienced in the small tasks they do together: the quiet conversation when the day's upheavals are at rest, the soft word of understanding, the daily companionship, the encouragement offered in a difficult moment, the small gift when least expected, the spontaneous gesture of love.

...

Love is willing to do these "oatmeal" things of life because it is related to a person, not a projection."

Those that don't end up reading the book should at least take away this idea. Those that do read the book will have a more nuanced understanding of what Johnson and his friend are talking about here.

Finally, I'd like to point out that, more than likely, your friends probably aren't getting theirs, or at least they aren't getting as much as you think they are.
post #70 of 78
Can't you just ask her to wear a wig once in awhile? Isn't that in the monogamy handbook?
post #71 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by P. Bateman View Post
I'm 23 and have been dating a wonderful girl for about 2.5 years now. She's good to me, family loves her, I love her family, but lately I've been feeling freaked out about us lately. Simply put I feel too young to be this emotionally involved. I feel we're on the road to marriage (possibly not any time soon, but on our way) and there's too much I haven't done or experienced. All my buddies are out chasing tail and having fun and I feel like an old married guy. I just feel too young to be in this situation. She doesn't actively keep me down or anything but the fact that we're so comfortable with each other the motivation to go out and hit the town isn't there. We stay in a lot.

I hit the bar last night with friends and was flirting with a girl. It was all squared away and exhilerating but because I could never do that to my GF I pulled the girlfriend card during the kiss/hug goodbye and ran away. Sucked, but I couldn't do that to my girlfriend.

If the GF and I were dating maybe 8 years from now, it'd be great, but at this age I feel restless. Further I don't feel it'd be healthy to sweep these feelings under the rug now only to have them explode later in life when I'm married and reflecting upon missed experiences/opportunities as a young man. She loves me so much and is so invested I feel like such an asshole for having these thoughts and don't want to hurt her, but I don't know what to do.

I've been in exactly the same situation. Word for word. I broke up with my her. However, I haven't been able to find anyone who would understand me like she did or anyone who would get as close to me emotionally. It's all been a series of meaningless relationships for many years. Also, at certain times I felt sad, lonely and a total dumbass for leaving that one person in my life that was able to truly love me. That said, I still think it was the best decision (although, the execution wasn't quite as stellar) at that time. I blame our age. If we have met later in life we would probably be already married with kids.

Try to stick around, but if it doesn't work, pray that she wasn't perfect for you, otherwise you will regret it for many years to come.
post #72 of 78
For me, I needed ages 17-24 to party, do drugs, bang sluts, and get everything out of my system. I'm now 26 and I'm over that shit, but I'm so glad I have those great/ridiculous memories.
Now that I'm 26 and in grad school, having a girlfriend is great. Been together almost 2 years. Just don't tell her about the shit you did before you met.

I'd leave her now if you're having these concerns. But when you break up, don't go down in flames. Do your best to part amicably and if you do, you might be able to get back together down the road when you've finished your bucket list.
post #73 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by acecow View Post
I've been in exactly the same situation. Word for word. I broke up with my her. However, I haven't been able to find anyone who would understand me like she did or anyone who would get as close to me emotionally. It's all been a series of meaningless relationships for many years.

That's really sad, and probably the underlying fear running through this whole thread. Conventional wisdom says you should have met somebody equally engaging as her by now... I didn't think situations like yours were very common at all.
post #74 of 78
well, time and place matters unfortunately. had a similar experience when i was your age. hated breaking up, but now i can see it was the right thing. if it feels right it is, and if it doesn't feel right in some way then it's wrong.

it's not about the things you can identify, it's about that gut feeling - things you can't quite put your finger on. you have to be a little bit selfish (as long as you're not being a dick). learnt that the hard way, and then (when much older) met Mrs Gutman. Knew straight away - like the same day - and never looked back. another lesson learnt - what your family and good friends think is often more on the money than you realise, especially at your age, cos sometimes it's harder to know yourself than to size-up someone else.
post #75 of 78
You must to ask for Ménage!
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