Funny little quirk (well, among many) about douchefriend is his idea that "hollering" at people is considered a) attractive and b) normal.
I can't pinpoint when it started...but I would venture a guess that it was sometime in 8th grade. I think it partially has to do with his awful taste in music. My guess is that he picks the most irritating "hip-hop" song that he can find, finds the most retarded (often most repeated) line it, and yells it whenever he feels appropriate (all the time).
In 8th grade, he was really into this Big Tymer's song, Still Fly(A poetic song choice...go on, look up the lyrics and apply it to my friend). He picked the first few lines for his mantra: Fresh as I return! This was funny to me because the lyrics are actually "Fresh, its our turn", but I guess that was just semantics to him. So anyway, whenever we'd go out, he'd turn up the music in his car to cholo levels and open the windows and hollar at passerbys: FRESH AS I RETURN BABY! FRESH I RETURN! Remember this was in 8th grade and it was his mother who was driving us. He'd even do it in class, randomly, usually while the teacher was lecturing.
This continued into high school, and he began to use this "line" to pick up chicks. "The bishes love it!" he'd say. We'd be walking through the mall, and there would be a veritable bevy of jailbait vixens chewing the cud on a bench and, just as I'm about to get my mack on, he'd jump in out of nowhere and yell...WASSUP FRESH AS I RETURN, BABY! And he'd do this little jump around dance kind of thing--it didn't end well. After wiping the pepper spray from his eyes, he'd usually blame his failure to "pick up chicks" on his asianness. "IF I WAS FUCKING 6'2" and white they would have said awww thats cute...but when an asian guy says it...I'm a fucking creep! GIRLS ARE SUCH STUCK UP SHALLOW BITCHES"
It started out mildly entertaining, but it has recently taken a turn for the worst. Just last month he moved away from "Yayeeyayee" to "Make em say UHHH, na na na na!" (grand master p). Now for whatever stupid reason, douchefriend and I went to a nice michelin starred restaurant. It's a nice quiet place, cozy atmosphere, chic french/japanese decor until..."UHHH NANANANA!". In his outside voice. All eyes were on us. What the fuck, man. Apparently he wanted to "liven the place up".
Murder has to be okay in special cases, right?
After a horrible dinner (another story), we drove to a trendy jazz club near little tokyo. All the way there, he was blaring master p's magnum opus from his bose speakers, windows down, yelling at EVERY single moving thing he saw. He scared this little old lady half to death by honking at her as she was crossing the street. He screamed "MOVE BITCH GET OUT DA WAY", honking in unison with the bass kick. I think she started crying when she reached the sidewalk, I can't really know for sure because we peeled out as soon as the light turned green.
After telling the valet to "make sure his car was parked near the front, where people could see", we made our way to the bar.I thought a few drinks would tone him down (never learn my fucking lesson) so I buy him a beer and we sit down to one of the most bizarre avant-garde renditions of solo piano"jazz" I have heard in my life. After sleeping through the 15 minute piece, he wakes up during the applause and...I kid you not...starts barking at the pianist. Barking and hollering in ebonic/half english: BARK BARK WOOT... FRESH AS I RETURN...YAYAYEEE...NANANANA. Holy mother of god. The artist, unphased, continued with his next piece-- a gershwin-grave-spinningly bad cover of rhapsody in blue. The audience was deathly silent, save for the extremely loud drink stirring of douchefriend, followed by light guttural snoring. Once again, awakened by the applause, he started hollering again: YEAH BOIIII....WOOF WOOF in his loudest voice. The rag-clothed artist, visibly irritated at being barked at, calls douchefriend out. "Why you barking at me man?" . My friend just stood up and shouted: "You fucking suck. People are falling asleep, dude."
I learned two things: 1) even skinny hipster musicians can fight hard if they are angry 2) if you don't want to get banned from a bar, don't bring douchefriend
-I wish I was kidding but I'm not
