How would you deal with the "wannabee baller" friend? - Page 5

One time, douche friend, me, and my other friend ryan went to a club to unwind and have some fun. Douche friend kept trying to hit on girls (while me and ryan just caught up on old times and had a few drinks). No one would dance with him. Perhaps it was his douchey attitude, or his horrible, horrible horrible dance moves, but he soon became angry.

He tried to dance with this one tall, club footed, mongoloid looking girl, but she did the fingersnapheadbob and said "uh-uh i don't dance with asians". Which ended with him flicking the girl off and screaming obscenities at her over the loud music. He started drunk douche dancing in the middle of the dance area, and couples/groups began to move off the floor. Me and ryan are watching this from afar, trying to avoid anyone connecting him to us. One bro near me excalimed "Man that guy's drunk!" (I should add that he had no alcohol in him, he was doing all this completely sober).

After a few minutes of him acting like a sociopath on the dance floor, we try to grab him to tell him it is time to leave. But he shouts "LET ME DANCE IT OFF" as he lies down on the floor and starts humping it/ running in a circle while lying on the ground. We don't really know what to do. We decide to get more drinks and when we come back, he is shaking his mercedes benz keys at girls trying to get them to dance with him.

Like I said, I have hundreds of these stories, and I am taking the bullet in order to share his adventures with the rest of the world.

Hmm I guess I can give one more story (the rest will be in my book)

This happened in college.

It was me, ryan, and douchefriend. They were visiting me at UCI, douchefriend had been visiting from North Dakota (he was going to school there another funny story). We were at the University Center perusing Urban Gorilla, the neighborhood douche uniform store. Back in those days, I dressed pretty "douche-like", but hey, I was young what can I say. I was checking out some of the true religion jeans (300 dollars on sale! ) and I look behind to see the REALLY cute SA "flirting" with douchefriend! Lucky him, I thought. (I have to say he isn't bad looking, but when he starts talking... ) Anyway, she gets him to try on these clothes that are obviously too big, obviously too expensive, and obviously sewn by a colorblind mental patient with stubby fingers, but she convinced him to buy it because of the big versace logo on the back. He clumsily tried to ask her out on a date, but she said she was busy (the sale was closed at that point). So began the night of terror.

As he drove us around in his mercedes, he kept harping on about what a bitch that girl was. One gem I can remember was "If I was 6'2" white and blonde hair, she woulda had sex with me right there. Just opened her fucking legs. But since I'm asian, fuck no!". Some background: Earlier in life, douchefriend had fallen in love with nazi propaganda. Their uniforms, the hypnotic lure of the swatstika, and apparently, the idea of a master race of aryan supermen all began to burrow themselves into his psyche, tainting his self esteem forever. He missed a turn and decided to pull an illegal u-turn IN FRONT OF THE POLICE STATION, which happened to have an onduty officer pulling out of it. Obviously the siren blared and we were pulled over. Douchefriend is foaming at the mouth from anger, and he starts screaming profanities so loud that the cop reaches for his gun. Douchefriend shuts up immediately. He hands him his outofstate drivers license (north dakota) and the African American cop reads the name on the card with suspicion. I can't say douchefriend's last name, but let's just say it's not a normal last name (especially on an asian) and it could be slightly-majorly offensive to a black person. One hour passes by (all of which douchefriend spends slinging racial epitaphs mixed in with "stupid deputy donut pig") before the cop returns it, along with a 300 dollar ticket.

Back at my dorm, douchefriend goes apeshit and starts tearing shit up. He literally ripped off his sleeve, and he threw his phone against the wall, shattering it. We took this as a cue to move elsewhere, so I introduced ryan to my friends while douchefriend threw his hissyfit. When we returned, he was "talking" to his mother on the phone about his ticket and the stupid black cop who had given it to him...except the battery on his cellphone was obviously still lying on the ground. I decided to call it a night right there.

Surprisingly, my friends all remarked how "normal" he seemed, even after I related these stories to them. Am I living through American Psycho? Is douchefriend going to lure me to his apartment and axe me to death to the sounds of phil collin's susudio? Only time will tell.

Oh mah god. This is gonna get added into the story. You have changed history my friend.