The Origins of Douchefriend: The Curious Case of Mr. M'bubee
How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice.
Douchefriend didn't just wake up one morning and say "Today, I will be the biggest douche in the universe."
Well, maybe he did, but the point is that he had lots of practice along the way.
Whether it was the massive egos, the so-tense-you-can-cut-it peer pressure, or the raging hormones, middle school was the perfect breeding ground for douchefriend's rage at the world attitude. Already a weird kid, douchefriend was picked on constantly. His laugh, his shoes, his clothes, how he played basketball...the cool kids left no stone uncovered when it came to finding flaws with douchefriend. He fought back the only way he knew how: by being a douche.
It started innocently enough: name calling.
There was an unfortunately named Zimbabwean in our class: Nigar M'bubee
. Our Christian school had a small class of 60, mostly Asians and whites...so Mr. M'Bubee had it rough even before people realized the comic goldmine that was his name. Douchefriend, not the most creative kid, began calling Nigar a "titty monkey". The fact that Nigar had ample bosoms did not help him in this comparison.
Gym class was worse. Nigar really didn't understand the concept of "helping himself out" so he chose to wore colorful briefs on gym days. Douchefriend would usually take the color of Nigar's underwear and place "monkey" after it in order to form a customized insult for that day (e.g. Rainbow Monkey, Neon Purple Monkey). Douchefriend got a kick out of this because sometimes people would laugh, and he finally felt like he "fit in
". Douchefriend also liked to throw bananas at Nigar at lunchtime, usually ending with Nigar running out to cry.
Sometimes on particularly unlucky (for Nigar) days, he would do both. The customary rotten banana was thrown at Nigar at lunch, and, much to douchefriend's surprise, the cool kids approved and began chanting his name. "DOUCHEFRIEND! DOUCHEFRIEND! DOUCHEFRIEND!"
Nigar looked around, then screamed out in rage AHHGGHHHHHHHH and threw a milk at douchefriend, narrowly missing him. "Don't throw your breast milk at me, titty monkey!" Tears flowed as Nigar kicked the bench over and ran out to hide in the bushes by the soccer field. Later that day, at gym, a riled up douchefriend yelled "What color today M'Bubee? Banana Yellow?" right when Nigar was changing. This was understandably upsetting to Nigar, who began picking up fold-up chairs and throwing them around the room, screaming wildly. Douchefriend took one right to the back and keeled over before he started crying (this was in 8th grade) and mumbling "Banana Monkey" under his breath. Nigar ran and told the principal what was going on.
We were in the middle of a basketball game (douchefriend recovered surprisingly quickly) when the principal came out to collect douchefriend for questioning. Putting two and two together, douchefriend tried to run away, but the unnaturally agile principal (his name was Mr. Payne if you can believe that) caught up with douchefriend and grabbed him by the collar. Douchefriend instantly dead-weighted and let his body collapse to the ground. He tried to fight off tears as he fake-seizured and started screaming "AHHHHH-I...I CANT FEEL MY LEGS! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS...NOOoooo"
His voice trailed off as he was dragged to the principal's office.
We were in the middle of learning about monocots and dicots when a puffy eyed, sobbing, douchefriend came in to the room, followed by Mr. Payne. "Go on, tell him." He motioned to the teacher. "Mr. Douchefriend here has something he would like to say to Mr. M'Bubee. He pointed at douchefriend to begin. "I'm sorry...I called you names..." douchefriend sobbed. Mr. Payne cleared his throat loudly. Douchefriend visibly gulped. "I'm sorry I called you...titt(cough)ty monkey...we are all God's children and are loved equally by our Creator. I humbly ask you to forgive me." Douchefriend began to sit down, but Mr. Payne grabbed his shoulder. "I think you two should shake hands and hug to make up for these... unpleasantries." Nigar stood up, arms outstretched. To the entertainment and delight of 28 other children, they embraced tightly. Giggles spread across the room, and a terrified douchefriend took his seat silently, awaiting the nightmare of humiliation that would follow soon after. Mindy, the hottest girl in class, the girl that douchefriend had been obsessed over and whose skirt he would try to look under in class
, leaned over by his ear and whispered "you should ask him out!" Tears streamed down his face and he put his head into his desk (ostrich style).He put his head into this.
Rumors began to spread and stories involving douchefriend, colored underwear, making out, and gay sex were on everybody's lips. I think it was just last month that an old friend we hadn't seen in awhile asked why douchefriend had broken up with "that M'Bubee kid". Douchefriend didn't take the question very well.