Sex Life (Part Two of Two) Natalia, the French girlfriend
I knew Natalia through a mutual friend and I got to talk to her about her relationship with douchefriend. On douchefriend: "He was a big prick with a small dick.
" Straight and to the point at least. Palmela Handerson, made up girl
He said he had sex with three girls, but I could only count two, and none of his friends had ever heard of this mysterious third girl. I’ll just assume he was lying. I think him saying that he gave her “three huge squirting orgasms in a row” should have tipped me off. Andrea, the one that got away
Now he never slept with Andrea, but his experience with her is intersting. He had met Andrea when he was still with Natalia in France and he had instantly fallen head over heels with her. She was a virgin when she met him ( I really don’t know how he found this out. I would want to know, but I just can’t bring myself to ask her this question), and he somehow knew that she was meant for him. She laughed at his shitty jokes, she was smart, and she liked hanging around with him. But knowing douchefriend, he found some way to screw that shit up. After he broke up with Natalia, he kept in contact with Andrea, even when he came back to America. It was going good until the fateful night that he found out that she had been deflowered
. We were drinking at Hero’s (they got some sick german brews there), when he read a text message then almost broke into tears. He smashed his glass into the table, shattering it, then stormed out. Their mutual friend, apparently a gossip spreading whore, told douchefriend that Andrea had gotten drunk and lost it on the beach to some random guy she met at a pub. Five hundred gold coins to anyone who can guess what ethnicity that dude was. That’s right. He was a 6’2”, white frat boy from England. He didn’t even know her NAME
. Douchefriend was furious. He started punching the wall with tears of unfathomable sadness streaming down his face. After screaming at himself and tearing at his hair for a good twenty minutes, he stops, almost instantaneously and heads back into the bar. I can only guess that he was trying to get back at her, because he tried to make out with an overweight brunette chick after “grinding” with her. She pushed him back, disgusted, and he started screaming at the top of his lungs: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! And he just started “C-walking???” I guess, and doing these uncoordinated jazz turns in the middle of the dance floor. Then he did this weird spider/crab walk thing, and tried to six-step (I really don’t know what he was trying to do) before he got up and shouted “White guys can’t dance like that, huh bitch!”
. The rest of that night is just too painful to tell.
Anyway, it turns out that Andrea wanted to visit the states so she calls douchefriend out of the blue to stay at his house. He decided to forgive her betrayal and acquiesced to her, welcoming him into his home. Little did she know that she was about to enter a very dark place, she was to be sucked into a void where no logic can escape.
The week started out well enough. He took her to Downtown Disney the first night here, where he proceeded to get plastered out of his mind, forcing her to drive him home (I guess he forgot she was a foreigner who had never been here, didn’t have a driver’s license, and was probably crying out of fear).The second night continued in a similar fashion, drinking shots of cheap tequila at Applebees, the high point of which would be vomiting in a toilet. The third night he suggested that they go to Downtown Fullerton to “have some fun” (get drunk). I guess he was trying to show her how Americans “live it up”, but it’s possible that he was trying to get her plastered enough to take advantage of her. He was perplexed when she began “acting differently” as the week progressed.
A few days before she was to leave, he decided to kick it at his house. In the intimacy of his own home, he hoped to seduce and finally bed Andrea. So how did he seek to achieve this? He invited me and Davis, our other friend, to come hang out with them at her house. She greeted me and Davis with kisses on the cheek, much to the chagrin of douchefriend. Sadly, we could see the despair in her eyes, being forced to spend a week with douchefriend, all alone. She soon took a liking to Davis, and the flirting began. She began teasing him about his weight (he was a little chubby), and suggested that we go for a swim in the pool. She even tried to help him take his shirt off so she could push him in the pool. Imagine douchefriend’s anger when he saw them “accidentally” holding hands (they were playing a game that required this touching). Not only was this girl flirting with his friend… it was his chubby, not exactly good looking (in his opinion), flat nosed, filipino friend. He took Davis aside and told him to “lay the fuck off, she’s my girl.
”, to which Davis replied with confusion, as he is completely oblivious to everything and who probably doesn’t know a vagina from a hole in the ground. As the night progressed, Davis tried his best to be unattractive (I think he actually farted really loud on purpose, but with Davis, you never know), but Andrea was simply undeterred. He made her laugh by making a joke about how fat he was, and douchefriend got mad and “spilled” some wine on Davis’ new white Brooks Brothers slim fit oxford shirt, white. He took it surprisingly well, simply taking off his shirt to clean it. This drove Andrea wild (I guess she’s a chubby chaser) and she lingered by him as he cleaned the shirt with some vinegar, her small hands lightly brushing against the oily rolls of skin hanging from his belly. This drove douchefriend insane. Seemingly (to Andrea) unprovoked
, douchefriend lunged at Davis and twisted his hand in some rudimentary wrist lock. Davis squealed in pain
, but soon countered with a twist of his elbow into a reverse full nelson, subduing douchefriend (this is what he gets for attacking a Krav Maga student
). “What the fuck, man?” Davis screamed as he pushed douchefriend into the wall. “I’m leaving.” I decided to call it a night as well. All color receded from Andrea’s face
as she realized that she would be forced to suffer another night with a drunken, angry, douchefriend. We wanted to ask her to come with us, but we were afraid that douchefriend would attack us with some sort of bludgeon or blade if we did. So we left, and she locked herself in the bathroom for the night. I tried to extract what happened the rest of that night, but both douchefriend and Andrea refused to give any more details to me…I can only assume the worst. Needless to say, she left the next day, to stay with her other friend in Corona, a drug addict she had met in a seedy bar in London. She chose a shady rape-suspect cocaine snorter over another night with douchefriend.
Douchefriend cut all ties with Davis, blaming him for her “betrayal
”. He called Davis an asshole for trying to steal his “claim”, even though he had never truly had ANYTHING
with her at all. They had never even shared a kiss. As of today, douchefriend claims that Davis is the worst friend anyone could ever have. A fat, smelly, (love the ad hominem here)lousy betraying son of a bitch who would let nothing, not even friendship, get in the way of his perverted sexual desires. Yes, Davis is such a horrible friend.