Sex Life (Part One of Two)
Now you may think that douchefriend is a virgin. He is not. Now that may be surprising to many of you, but when girls are running around with livestock and table lamps, I like to think that there may be some girls out there whose fetish is douchebags. I interviewed each of the girls personally (kind of gives you a hint of the girls’ personality if they are willing to disclose sexual history with someone who is basically a complete stranger). Acacia, the ravager of innocence Everyone has their first time, and it usually entails some awkward spooning, mangled bra wires, and wannabee tantric copulation that causes more pain than pleasure.
Douchefriend’s first was with a sex addicted Latina named Acacia. Now, honestly, I think the girl is on some sort of amphetamine, and she has some mongoloid features (sloping forehead, the “simian crease” on her palm, labored breathing while walking), but otherwise she isn’t super ugly. She might even be considered cute in some third world countries, which to douchefriend, was good enough for him. They met at a frat party, where she was getting wasted faster than salad at Gabourey Sidibe’s house. She was giving a freshman a titty dance when their eyes met from across the room. She looked straight into his beady eyes and knew that she had to “devour him that night”
(her words). So she went up to him and just started making out with him right there. He drove her back to his house, where he snuck back up stairs (his parents were sleeping) and undressed. Now not to be mean to Acacia, but the girl has a titanic ass. It’s seriously an obese persons butt, while the rest of her is normal. It’s like she sat on an exercise ball and it absorbed itself into her gluteal cheeks. So it must have been fun when she pounded on his member for what she says “must have been at least 3 hours”. She says that he must have passed out a few times, because he stopped grunting so much near the one hour mark. So the next day, I remember this clearly, he texts me in big bold fonts. I WIN THE BET MAN, I LOST MY VIRGINITY YESTERDAY
. I guess he forgot that I had actually collected those winnings four years earlier in high school. I asked him for a picture and he just sent me a picture of her face, which sort of had this effect:
So for whatever reason, they start dating. And she was a sex addict. She told me that they would have sex at least 9 times a week, sometimes 3 or more times in a night sometimes. I know you’re thinking, hey that’s not so bad
, but just imagine a walrus trampolining on your pole for several hours
and the picture gets much more bleak. She apparently ridiculed his sexual prowess, because he kept asking me for sex advice. He asked me if there was any drugs he could take that would help him keep it up and have more endurance. He did this while we were in the vitamin store, REALLY
loud, so that the hot girls near him could hear. I don’t know why girls would want to hear that you are horrible in bed, but hey, he’s douchefriend. I told him to keep quiet and take some Ginko Biloba (first vitamin that I could think of). I didn’t actually think he would try it, but he called me a few weeks after and told me that I was a dumbass and that, if anything, Ginko Biloba made him worse in bed. His memory about his sexual “adventures” improved, however, and I was treated to his sickeningly detailed accounts of her “riding his face”. They seemed almost perfect for each other, in a amorphous blob meets lunatic type of way
, even adopting a stuffed penguin named “Pengy”. Still waters run deep, however. The relationship began to break down, and I witnessed one of their “many” cultural disagreements. We were shopping at the mall, looking for a present for douchefriends secret santa. He wanted to get a 5 dollar gift card (the minimum gift was supposed to be 25 dollars
) and some cheap Macy’s socks. But Acacia took offense to this and made him purchase a real present, a sweater at Abercrombie and fitch. This made douchefriend visibly mad and they yelled at each other, with me standing a few feet away, fidgeting awkwardly. She ended up walking home, her bowl of jelly bottom jiggling all the way up the escalator. I was treated to more complaining at his house, where he told his mom the whole story. Both him and his mother were angered and they ended up asking me for half an hour if I thought she was weird, even though I had said “yes” several times already. When me and my friend Ryan dropped off douchefriend at the airport (he was leaving for France for the summer) I asked him if he thought they would stay together. We looked on as we witnessed the most awkward, stiff, non-emotional goodbye kiss we had ever seen. It was like two mannequins touching lips. We had our answer. They broke up within a week. Pengy is now used to clean his toilet.