Jessica Douchefriend is not the best when it comes to the ladies. I mean, he’s gotten laid a few times, but I suspect that the girl was either deaf, on some sort of drug or medication, or actually a man. But at one point in time, he was much, much worse. Back in high school, douchefriend had the hots for some girl named Jessica. She was a tall, gangly white woman with strong features and a pronounced Adam’s apple. According to him, she had given him the “signals”, which I found out later was probably her sneezing or waving at someone behind him. Whatever the case may be, he was head over heels for this girl. Imagine my surprise when he triumphantly announced that he had actually TALKED to this girl…not only that, he even got her number! All was right in douchefriends world. That is…until we took a fateful trip to Knott’s Berry Farm. By “chance” (though looking back I’m not so sure) he passed by her in a crowd of people and waved to her and called her name…except she ignored him. It was almost as if he wasn’t there. It was almost as if the crowd was so loud, and there was so many people that she didn’t see him at all! Now douchefriend did what any normal, non-psycopathic individual would do…he stalked her. For at least 3 hours, he tailed her, texting me about every little thing she was doing (I was enjoying the park with my other buddies while he trailed her on his own). “She’s eating right now, that bitch.” “She’s in line for Montezuma’s Revenge…I think she’s talking about me!” “She ignores me just cuz I’m fucking asian…” Besides being a little creeped out, I just shrugged it off and told myself that he was just being a little kid again. Nothing bad could happen right? “I saw her hug some random white guy! THAT GIRAFFE BITCH! Right on the fucking log ride. THAT’S IT, IM NOT TAKING THIS ANYMORE” . Uh-oh. Me and the guys high tailed it to the log ride, just in time to see him push his way through the line. He gets pretty far in, but Jessica is about to get onto the ride. So he starts shouting at her. “FUCKING BITCH. YOU UGLY GIRAFFE! FUCK YOU, RACIST WHORE!”. I see her friends pointing at douchefriend, and I notice a wave of disgust wash over her face in tidal fashion. Needless to say, she stopped talking to him. But, oh boy, did he keep talking to her. He tried texting her, calling her, messaging her, posting on her Myspace … but surprisingly, she did not take very kindly to his…overzealous approach to courtship. As she stopped responding, his messages got increasingly more aggressive. He’d text profanities and lewd pictures to her. He even pranked called her a bunch of times! I witnessed one of these attempts. He called her number at nine in the evening, then (using the most bizarre Down Syndrome /Middle Eastern hybrid accent I have ever heard) asked her if she would like to buy some Giraffe meat, at a bargain price. “ STOP CALLING ME!” She screamed so loud I could hear it from the receiver. He just laughed and called her a tall giraffe bitch. You think that would be enough for douchefriend, but no. He went so far as to create a fake Myspace page of her, using his rudimentary MS paint skills to splice her head onto a Giraffe’s body. He also pilfered a picture from her legitimate Myspace page and layered a big fat penis on a collision course with her gaping maw. Oh, and he also posted a picture of her bra that she left in her car. Only God knows the story behind that one. Well, she found out about the website. And she got the police involved. Douchefriend was taken out of class, where he talked to a piggish police officer, who had copies of the offending web page printed out for douchefriend. He told him to take the pictures down or he would press charges. What was douchefriends response? Regret? Did he apologize? No. He complained to me about how posting pictures on the internet was NOT illegal and that “deputy donut” was just a rent a cop who masturbated to sears catalogs and dressing room security videos. He eventually took the site down (from fear of getting imprisoned). So what did douchefriend learn from all this? He said that Jessica was irrefutable proof that all girls were “bitches who are shallow and have no real desire for smart, funny guys. They just want douche white guys who wear Abercrombie and fitch and have six packs and wear their hat backwards. Oh, smart, rich, compassionate Asian? No chance with them! Only gold diggers will want them (and they’ll cheat on the side)! That’s why they don’t like me! CUZ IM FUCKING ASIAN!” Yes douchefriend. It’s because you’re asian.
