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Possessiveness in relationships

post #1 of 25
6/23/10 at 6:16pm
Thread Starter 
Yalls,

This is actually a theoretical thread as I am not currently in a relationship. If you must know, it was inspired by this animated gif:



Anyway, how possessive do you tend to be in a relationship? How possessive is "ideal" in your eyes? I err on the side of being completely unpossessive so as to not show any jealousy, even when I may feel some. I figured nothing good can come from whining about your girl hanging out with other dudes. It would also be hypocritical, as I absolutely do not tolerate possessiveness in the least from girls. Or rather, I try not to date girls that are very possessive.

But I started thinking, where does one draw the line? If your girlfriend goes out with her guy friends? If your girlfriend goes to a movie with one guy friend? If your girlfriend goes on a platonic date with a guy to some kind of gala? If she goes on said platonic date with a heterosexual male model? If she goes to Vegas with three guys? Obviously your trust levels and her personality are important (party girl that blacks out a lot vs. responsible girl that rarely loses control).

These are all hypothetical, but I wonder where the line is for most of you. I expect to get a wide variety of replies.
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post #2 of 25
6/23/10 at 6:33pm
I don't know, but I now have an idea for a hairstyle.
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post #3 of 25
6/23/10 at 7:56pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by MetroStyles View Post
If she goes to Vegas with three guys?

What happens in vegas stays in vegas, so you'll never know all the cocks shes riding.

BTW: i love that gif. lol.

Im like you, Im not possessive in the least - to the point where girls dont think I care at all. I just try to play it cool and not assume shes banging other dudes (ignorance is bliss).

If I really cared I would have probably met her friends and got a level of trust. But easier said than done.
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post #4 of 25
6/23/10 at 9:40pm
haha... encino man....
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post #5 of 25
6/23/10 at 9:48pm
Love is merely an obsession. It cuts the dreariness in our daily lives and distracts us from the inevitability of death. Don't get me wrong. I believe in love, but I also believe in cancer.
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post #6 of 25
6/23/10 at 10:14pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by MetroStyles View Post
Stuff
I can understand how you may not show it, but considering if the relationship progresses further, it will surely become an issue. Ideally, in a long term relationship, I think you'd want to establish things from the get go, and not have to deal with them down the line. And have you considered that if you were to behave in this manner, that she may in fact take advantage of the situation, and quite possibly lead to its demise? [EDIT] Not to mention that "jealousy" that men experience is something some women want.
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post #7 of 25
6/23/10 at 10:17pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by MetroStyles View Post
Anyway, how possessive do you tend to be in a relationship? Not very to not at all. How possessive is "ideal" in your eyes? Not at all I err on the side of being completely unpossessive so as to not show any jealousy, even when I may feel some. I figured nothing good can come from whining about your girl hanging out with other dudes. This is it. I've found that I generally don't even have to play it cool about it anymore. 99% of the time it just doesn't bug me. This assumes that: I have confidence in the relationship (I should if we're dating); we communicate well enough (which we should be if we're going to be having a successful relationship); I'm thinking with a clear head and realize that if she cheating on me with another dude that we probably didn't have much in the first place. It would also be hypocritical, as I absolutely do not tolerate possessiveness in the least from girls. Or rather, I try not to date girls that are very possessive. It would be unrealistic of me to expect the same. Very few people agree with my model of relationships. That being said, I don't think that it's unreasonable to expect girls to understand that you just want to hang out with someone, that you still care about them and thus won't do anything, and to give you the benefit of the doubt even if they are insecure. It's been my experience that they'll get more understanding as a healthy relationship progresses. But I started thinking, where does one draw the line? Case by case sort of thing, but I haven't really drawn a line... If she goes on said platonic date with a heterosexual male model? This is first one that I think could even be questioned, and that would only be if you're really insecure. I figure that if yall are together, she's either not very interested in the male model or can't score him. If the can't get him is the reason, then I'd be worried about what's so wrong with me that I'm a backup plan. If she goes to Vegas with three guys? Obviously your trust levels and her personality are important (party girl that blacks out a lot vs. responsible girl that rarely loses control). I'd hope that she knows whether or not she handle it. I'd be smart enough to opt out, see if I can invite her along, or make sure that some dude is there to keep an eye on my drunk self. However, this is because I make awful decisions when drunk, whether or not I care about someone, and am notoriously easy while drunk. If she didn't feel that was the case for herself, then I would tell her to have fun. Current GF could go no sweat, but would probably more uncomfortable with it than I would be. These are all hypothetical, but I wonder where the line is for most of you. I expect to get a wide variety of replies. In theory, no line. Keep in mind that I don't do casual relationships, so this could change things completely.
Word up, home slice.
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post #8 of 25
6/23/10 at 10:35pm
I would like to say that zero possessiveness is ideal, but that seems like it would at some point come across as indifference. Girls do not like indifference. Furthermore, I don’t really want to act indifferent if I am not indifferent. However, I have come to realize that no level of possessiveness will prevent a girl from screwing up/cheating on you. So I guess my answer is just enough possessiveness to let her know that you don’ t think she’s below you, but not enough to annoy her.
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post #9 of 25
6/23/10 at 10:44pm
Not possessive at all. It shows insecurity and a lack of trust in your partner. If you're really that concerned about losing your partner or them doing something, then that's a sign of a deeper issue.

I know some people enjoy being in a type of relationship where they oppress the other person. But if you want to be part of a normal, functional relationship, then there has to be trust both ways and an understanding that each person maintaining other friendships and such is vital to the relationship.

I can relate to wanting to be around a person all of the time, but no good comes from severing all other ties with people for the sake of one person.

Though you could dub my last relationship a bust because we are no longer together, we had a great understanding that maintaining platonic relationships with other people was important. The girl I was with wasn't a big flirt, but most of her friends were guys. I never felt threatened by her talking to them, because I trusted her and knew that she had the type of character that would keep her from doing anything with them or anyone else that would compromise the relationship.
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post #10 of 25
6/23/10 at 11:23pm
I'm not possessive and I expect my gfs to be the same way. That being said I have limits on what I consider respectful behavior from a gf. Hanging out with other guys with much frequency I generally frown on but it's totally based on circumstances. My ex gf saw her ex husband about twice a year and I was okay with that.
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post #11 of 25
6/24/10 at 1:40am
Having had the same girlfriend for 5 years, and being long distance the entire time, I've gone back and forth with possessiveness. When we started dating, I was still a kid at 18. Granted, 5 years from now I'll probably say that I was still a "kid" at 23, but I'm just saying, I've grown and changed a lot in those 5 years. I used to be very possessive, especially when we first started dating. That was b/c my previous high school sweetheart of 4 years had cheated on me and ended it. But after maybe 6 months of being miserably possessive, I realized that my new girlfriend was NOT my old girlfriend and I shouldn't punish her for the damage done by the previous one. Since then, I have realized that if I don't have my gf's trust, I really have nothing and our relationship is meaningless. So I don't worry about anything any longer. I am not possessive in the least anymore.
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post #12 of 25
6/24/10 at 2:00am
never had that complex when I was dating my now-wife... in fact only time I got somewhere near that issue was one time when we were still dating I wanted to watch the movie "babe", yeah that pig movie, and she didn't want to and a week later she went out with a close male friend of hers and they watched "babe"... and I haven't watched it ever since.
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post #13 of 25
6/24/10 at 2:02am
Quote:
Originally Posted by acidboy View Post
never had that complex when I was dating my now-wife... in fact only time I got somewhere near that issue was one time when we were still dating I wanted to watch the movie "babe", yeah that pig movie, and she didn't want to and a week later she went out with a close male friend of hers and they watched "babe"... and I haven't watched it ever since.

OMG that's how I fo und out my HS Gf was cheating on me. Went to see Shrek 2 with her, she said "oh wow watch this next part" and I was like WTF how do you know what happens and it turns out she had just seen it with her little side dick.
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post #14 of 25
6/24/10 at 2:36am
I'm easily jealous and can be quite possessive, but you'd never know because I fight tooth and nail to pretend like shit doesn't bother me.
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post #15 of 25
6/24/10 at 2:42am
Quote:
Originally Posted by kwilkinson View Post
OMG that's how I fo und out my HS Gf was cheating on me. Went to see Shrek 2 with her, she said "oh wow watch this next part" and I was like WTF how do you know what happens and it turns out she had just seen it with her little side dick.

LOL..... happened to me too.... was going out 'discreetly' with someone then and she wanted to watch that danny de vito, rhea perlman movie "matilda" and a week later my then-gf told me she wanted to watch it too. "sure, let's watch it saturday night!!!"

oh and the 'babe' thing, we almost broke up but I did realize that guy friend of her's is a total friggin' loser and my wife just feels sorry for that guy for being a pile of fail... shit, that guy got married to a girl he was seeing for maybe less than a year, they moved in to his parents' house, wife later tells him she's leaving him for another WOMAN, but later on they (wife and lesbian gf) moved back in that house before finding another place.
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