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Dating Disasters - Appearance - Page 2

post #16 of 66
Thread Starter 
Maybe it is the point. But this is a hurry-hurry world and in the flesh too many online daters don't meet expectations (particularly clothes and fitness) that others assume everyone knows he or she is supposed to meet. The stress of meeting somebody for the first time probably increases the emotional judgments, too. (For example, "unattractive" becomes "ugly.") Most people would prefer to avoid negative experiences.
post #17 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by kronik
YOU KNOW he hit it.

I suppose it's like riding a moped. No personal experience though...
post #18 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by rdawson808
I always thought that was the point of actually going on a date with someone. Maybe I'm old-fashioned (with the proviso that I met my fiancee on an on-line dating service).

Ratboy, yeah, you were 17 and hopefully you've grown since then. But your story about the "stupid fat" woman you dated seems to say you haven't. Truly, if karma worked (dharma by the way), you would have gone on a date with someone you really fancied and she would have treated you like crap because she thought you were ugly.

bob

You're giving ratboy way too hard of a time here, I think (at least regarding his online dating experience). First, physical attraction is one of the defining factors in separating a romantic or sexual relationship from a platonic one. While looks aren't the only issue at hand and can be offset to some degree by personality traits, having a physically desirable partner is an essential part of a relationship. If someone doesn't find a prospective partner sexually attractive, he's simply not going to pursue romance with her (or vice versa), and the relationship can only, at best, reach a platonic level. And in ratboy's case, when it became clear that there was no chance of this happening, what good would it to do to stick around? At best, he would be leading her on by doing so, and that can be just as hurtful, if not moreso, than straight rejection.

Second, ratboy's observation about the major discrepancies between the picture he saw and the girl he met suggest that the girl in his story _was_ dishonest, which is a concerning flaw on its own. Especially when a relationship stems from an online selection process that allows for lots of embellishment, it is important that there is an honest representation about fundamental aspects of one's person. If a person can't be trusted for a remotely accurate portrayal of himself, what does that say about that person's attitude and character? I think you're placing way too much of a burden on ratboy to be a gentleman and waste his time on a fruitless errand after being deceived and none on the girl who misled him in a most unladylike fashion.
post #19 of 66
I think he's blaming him more for dating the fat girl for three years and calling her a stupid fat girl...
post #20 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by drizzt3117
I think he's blaming him more for dating the fat girl for three years and calling her a stupid fat girl...

I quoted a later post, but it this was one he initially stated that I was referring to:


Quote:
Originally Posted by ratboycom
I took her to the club and more or less lost her in the croud for a while. She later got a ride home from a friend.


And now we have confirmation as to why women say men can be such jerks. You didn't even attempt to be polite. For gawd's sake man, be a gentleman. She didn't lie to you, she didn't misrepresent herself in anyway--she just didn't look the way you wanted. And you stranded her. Not nice.

b
post #21 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by aybojs
I quoted a later post, but it this was one he initially stated that I was referring to:


Quote:
Originally Posted by ratboycom
I took her to the club and more or less lost her in the croud for a while. She later got a ride home from a friend.


And now we have confirmation as to why women say men can be such jerks. You didn't even attempt to be polite. For gawd's sake man, be a gentleman. She didn't lie to you, she didn't misrepresent herself in anyway--she just didn't look the way you wanted. And you stranded her. Not nice.

b

I agree with alot of what you wrote in your post though, don't get me wrong. Most people I know who've engaged in blind dating etc, have had bad experiences as such and its human nature to exaggerate your good points and downplay your bad ones, which leads to some interesting situations.
post #22 of 66
the year I met my wife, I went on a huge number of blind dates. I met some women who wre very unatractive. I always tried to treat them as nice as possible, and give them a chance to show me why they might still be interesting, seemed only fair. I imagine that enough of the women I met went home and said "the guy I met today was really not attractive enough but I tried to treat him nicely"

such is life
post #23 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by drizzt3117
That happened to a friend of mine, but the situation was perhaps even more awkward. He arranged to meet up with a girl that he met online, and she came from two states away to stay at his house. The picture she sent him was like a senior picture type, and she looked ok but when she showed up she could have played lineman, this girl was just enormous. It was an "interesting" weekend for my friend...
OK, similar situation, but via telephone hookup. Guy I know talks to this girl a buddy of his used to mash off. "She's cute, a freak, down for whatever." My friend starts a phone relationship, like 3-4 hours a day, w/phone sex. He's in love, says she's his girlfriend, yet they didn't meet for 2 weeks. Finally he arranges for her to meet him at his place after his bartending shift. Leaves a key for her and everything. She decides to come and surprise him at the restaurant. Boy, was it a surprise. She was 5' 3", about 160 lbs, relatively unattractive and arrived with her MOTHER in tow! Mom drove her from Delaware to Washington, DC to meet him. When she introduces herself, his faced just dropped (I was there, it wasn't pretty). There are a dozen of his friends and regulars at the bar who've been hearing about her for the past two weeks and he has to introduce her to the crew. His brother bartends at the same place and he had to make the walk of shame to have the three of them meet (don't forget Mom, who wants to know if my boy is going to "reject her daughter"). He's screwed -- I tell him he's going to have to take one for the team. He's like "hell no!" and proceeds to get wasted. He sends Mom back to Delaware and took chubbsie-ubbsie home. Swears he didn't hit it, but did wake up with his dick in her mouth. Amazingly, they've become friends. THIS IS A TRUE STORY!
post #24 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by aybojs
You're giving ratboy way too hard of a time here, I think (at least regarding his online dating experience). First, physical attraction is one of the defining factors in separating a romantic or sexual relationship from a platonic one. While looks aren't the only issue at hand and can be offset to some degree by personality traits, having a physically desirable partner is an essential part of a relationship. If someone doesn't find a prospective partner sexually attractive, he's simply not going to pursue romance with her (or vice versa), and the relationship can only, at best, reach a platonic level. And in ratboy's case, when it became clear that there was no chance of this happening, what good would it to do to stick around? At best, he would be leading her on by doing so, and that can be just as hurtful, if not moreso, than straight rejection.

Second, ratboy's observation about the major discrepancies between the picture he saw and the girl he met suggest that the girl in his story _was_ dishonest, which is a concerning flaw on its own. Especially when a relationship stems from an online selection process that allows for lots of embellishment, it is important that there is an honest representation about fundamental aspects of one's person. If a person can't be trusted for a remotely accurate portrayal of himself, what does that say about that person's attitude and character? I think you're placing way too much of a burden on ratboy to be a gentleman and waste his time on a fruitless errand after being deceived and none on the girl who misled him in a most unladylike fashion.
Why is it such a burden to treat another human being with respect and courtesy for a single evening? I honestly don't understand that. As far as the attraction thing goes, of course that's one of the definining characteristics of a romantic or sexual relationship. But the absence of that attraction needn't in any way dictate how one treats the other person (well, except for the obvious). Acting like a gentlemen would be "fruitless" only if one believes the "point" of so behaving is to gain favor with the other person.
I think what is troubling to several people is not that ratboy found her unattractive, but that there's an undercurrent of perhaps unwarranted resentment and hostility based on her "failure" to be attractive to him. While it may not have been his intention, it definitely echoes the weird undercurrent of hostility prevalent in some portions of male society against women who don't measure up to some porn-movie fantasy. E.g., "fat girls suck" comments and the like. (I actually suspect that d00ds who think it's cool to write/post/say such stuff would be equally hostile toward an attractive woman who did not share the attraction ("tight bitch", "lesbian", etc.) or who obviously was attracted to some other guy ("slut", etc.)
Female colleagues and friends who have pursued the online dating thing have commented on the random, hostile emails or messages or whatever from guys who go out of their way to tell them they're ugly, fat, or whatever. I've never understood that. (And I've digressed a bit and thus should make clear that I'm not suggesting that's the sort of thing ratboy would do.)
Anyway, I think you act like a gentleman because it's the right thing to do. Period.
But then, I've been out of the dating game for quite some time, so what the hell do i know?
post #25 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by mensimageconsultant
The stress of meeting somebody for the first time probably increases the emotional judgments, too.
This is an insightful point that I overlooked when first reading the post.
post #26 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by life_interrupts
OK, similar situation, but via telephone hookup. Guy I know talks to this girl a buddy of his used to mash off. "She's cute, a freak, down for whatever." My friend starts a phone relationship, like 3-4 hours a day, w/phone sex. He's in love, says she's his girlfriend, yet they didn't meet for 2 weeks.

Finally he arranges for her to meet him at his place after his bartending shift. Leaves a key for her and everything. She decides to come and surprise him at the restaurant. Boy, was it a surprise. She was 5' 3", about 160 lbs, relatively unattractive and arrived with her MOTHER in tow! Mom drove her from Delaware to Washington, DC to meet him. When she introduces herself, his faced just dropped (I was there, it wasn't pretty). There are a dozen of his friends and regulars at the bar who've been hearing about her for the past two weeks and he has to introduce her to the crew. His brother bartends at the same place and he had to make the walk of shame to have the three of them meet (don't forget Mom, who wants to know if my boy is going to "reject her daughter"). He's screwed -- I tell him he's going to have to take one for the team. He's like "hell no!" and proceeds to get wasted.

He sends Mom back to Delaware and took chubbsie-ubbsie home. Swears he didn't hit it, but did wake up with his dick in her mouth. Amazingly, they've become friends. THIS IS A TRUE STORY!

heh, you know he hit it.
post #27 of 66
To cut a very long story short, Pussycat was a girl who hit on me at a bar at a time when I was extremely lonely, impoverished, and overstressed. She was cute in a kind of homely way but had a great body and basically begged me to take her home with me on our second date when I had had no such intentions.

She turned out to be quite interesting, with a great personality and some interesting life experiences. She also turned out to be very sweet, honest and trustworthy, not to mention being very enjoyable company and a sexual dynamo. In short, one of the best girlfriends I've had.

The thing I've never been able to get used to is her homeliness and her tawdry style of dressing. A radical makeover might help, but she stubbornly refuses any such suggestions no matter how diplomatically framed. Friends have commented that we are a total mismatch, a fact hardly lost on me, since I frequently catch people making aside-comments to one another when they see us -- this is not paranoia and no exaggeration. I notice this everywhere we go and have come to be too embarrassed to be seen with her. Finally, I'm forced to admit that this is a one-night-stand that has lasted more than three years.

The situation has become more dire now that I've moved into the neighborhood of my office. My whole neighborhood now has eyes, so the other day when she spent the night over at my new place for the first time and I had to walk her to the station before going to work, I was dearly hoping not to meet anyone from work who might recognize me. Of course, who should I meet coming the other way but the most beautiful girl in the company, with whom I'm on friendly terms. Busted walking hand-in-hand with a girl who is far from my equal in looks or dress! I wished I could vanish into thin air.

Later the same day, I saw this same beauty and she gave me a big smile as if to say, "I've met the competition and she is toast."

Meanwhile, I spent the whole day brooding over how to cut Pussycat loose when her only faults are that she happens not to be beautiful and dresses unattractively. I genuinely like and care about her, and yet am embarrassed to be seen together. I'm going to be forced to break up with her and it's going to break my heart probably as much as it will break hers. This is a woman who has been unfailingly sweet to me and loves me for who I am. But I just can't continue with her at this point. Her appearance drags my image down, and this could now become a disaster.
post #28 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by life_interrupts
...and arrived with her MOTHER in tow! Mom drove her from Delaware to Washington, DC to meet him.


Okay now I show my devious side. She was clearly old enough to drive herself. Having her mother come along is creepy at best. I would have used that in one second as an excuse to not continue things. In fact, it would genuinely make me angry that her mother showed up to make sure her daughter doesn't get rejected. How mature is this girl?


Quote:
Originally Posted by NantucketRed
...her only faults are that she happens not to be beautiful and dresses unattractively. I genuinely like and care about her, and yet am embarrassed to be seen together.

I have to tell you, I work my ass off at the gym to stay nice looking for my fiancee. I owe it to her. I try to dress nicely not just because I like it but because she likes it too. I would never go so far as to say that not taking care of yourself is somehow an insult to others, but you do it for your partner because you care.

bob
post #29 of 66
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by lawyerdad
Why is it such a burden to treat another human being with respect and courtesy for a single evening? I honestly don't understand that. As far as the attraction thing goes, of course that's one of the definining characteristics of a romantic or sexual relationship. But the absence of that attraction needn't in any way dictate how one treats the other person (well, except for the obvious). Acting like a gentlemen would be "fruitless" only if one believes the "point" of so behaving is to gain favor with the other person.
I think what is troubling to several people is not that ratboy found her unattractive, but that there's an undercurrent of perhaps unwarranted resentment and hostility based on her "failure" to be attractive to him. While it may not have been his intention, it definitely echoes the weird undercurrent of hostility prevalent in some portions of male society against women who don't measure up to some porn-movie fantasy. E.g., "fat girls suck" comments and the like. (I actually suspect that d00ds who think it's cool to write/post/say such stuff would be equally hostile toward an attractive woman who did not share the attraction ("tight bitch", "lesbian", etc.) or who obviously was attracted to some other guy ("slut", etc.)
Female colleagues and friends who have pursued the online dating thing have commented on the random, hostile emails or messages or whatever from guys who go out of their way to tell them they're ugly, fat, or whatever. I've never understood that. (And I've digressed a bit and thus should make clear that I'm not suggesting that's the sort of thing ratboy would do.)
Anyway, I think you act like a gentleman because it's the right thing to do. Period.
But then, I've been out of the dating game for quite some time, so what the hell do i know?

Image professionals typically would agree with the behavioral recommendation, but etiquette doesn't take into account the new con game that often occurs in online dating. If someone has deliberately misrepresented her (or his) appearance, there ought to be a way to let that person know it is not okay, without being very rude. Or anyone thinking of misrepresenting himself should instead consult an image consultant

Also, sometimes people resent prospective partners because they're insecure about their own looks. "If I date her, that means I'm ugly."
post #30 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nantucket Red
To cut a very long story short, Pussycat was a girl who hit on me at a bar at a time when I was extremely lonely, impoverished, and overstressed. She was cute in a kind of homely way but had a great body and basically begged me to take her home with me on our second date when I had had no such intentions.

She turned out to be quite interesting, with a great personality and some interesting life experiences. She also turned out to be very sweet, honest and trustworthy, not to mention being very enjoyable company and a sexual dynamo. In short, one of the best girlfriends I've had.

The thing I've never been able to get used to is her homeliness and her tawdry style of dressing. A radical makeover might help, but she stubbornly refuses any such suggestions no matter how diplomatically framed. Friends have commented that we are a total mismatch, a fact hardly lost on me, since I frequently catch people making aside-comments to one another when they see us -- this is not paranoia and no exaggeration. I notice this everywhere we go and have come to be too embarrassed to be seen with her. Finally, I'm forced to admit that this is a one-night-stand that has lasted more than three years.

The situation has become more dire now that I've moved into the neighborhood of my office. My whole neighborhood now has eyes, so the other day when she spent the night over at my new place for the first time and I had to walk her to the station before going to work, I was dearly hoping not to meet anyone from work who might recognize me. Of course, who should I meet coming the other way but the most beautiful girl in the company, with whom I'm on friendly terms. Busted walking hand-in-hand with a girl who is far from my equal in looks or dress! I wished I could vanish into thin air.

Later the same day, I saw this same beauty and she gave me a big smile as if to say, "I've met the competition and she is toast."

Meanwhile, I spent the whole day brooding over how to cut Pussycat loose when her only faults are that she happens not to be beautiful and dresses unattractively. I genuinely like and care about her, and yet am embarrassed to be seen together. I'm going to be forced to break up with her and it's going to break my heart probably as much as it will break hers. This is a woman who has been unfailingly sweet to me and loves me for who I am. But I just can't continue with her at this point. Her appearance drags my image down, and this could now become a disaster.

So you're an essentially shallow and superficial person for whom appearances matter far more than other qualities
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