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family intervention - Page 3

post #31 of 45
5/20/10 at 5:27pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by globetrotter View Post
on top of that - she is full of rage at pretty much everything, including me. she got mad at me over some little thing last year and hasn't spoken to me in 6 months, even though I have left her messages. any thoughts, experiences?
I'm a Ph.D. clinical psychologist, licensed in three states and have 20+ years experience working with families. I'm also a devout atheist. Consider the highlighted and underlined area above as divine intervention. All kidding aside, it's clear you truly love and care about your sister and want her to enjoy a gratifying life. The world could use more people like yourself. If you're determined, a full family intervention with some training and preparation may be most effective. Best of luck.
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post #32 of 45
5/20/10 at 5:36pm
I wish mano posted more often.
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post #33 of 45
5/21/10 at 7:39pm
There isn't any giving up on family, its not like friends you can try and help for a while but in the end accept they have no interest in your help. But it's also a difficult situation. She's probably not going to do anything unless she believes it herself, such dramatic changes as making a jobless husband go to work and dropping a few hundred pound aren't going to happen overnight, and are MAJOR lifestyle changes. All I can say is family issues are tough so good luck.
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post #34 of 45
5/21/10 at 9:16pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mano View Post
I'm a Ph.D. clinical psychologist, licensed in three states and have 20+ years experience working with families. I'm also a devout atheist.

Consider the highlighted and underlined area above as divine intervention.

All kidding aside, it's clear you truly love and care about your sister and want her to enjoy a gratifying life. The world could use more people like yourself. If you're determined, a full family intervention with some training and preparation may be most effective.

Best of luck.

thanks.


I am really not sure what I am going to do at this point.
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post #35 of 45
5/21/10 at 9:37pm
GT, not to be a smart-ass, but in a similar situation, you yourself told me to forget about it and that it was a no win situation (with regards to my mother). It's not worth the time/energy. I have spent 7(?) years trying to realign my mother's behaviour with reality and it's been a total waste of time. She's gotten worse, if anything, and i don't think she's done one thing differently than she would have if I hadn't tried to intervene in all the divorce/house/finance shit. And when it comes to SOs, especially, stay the fuck away. Every time I have to deal with my family it's an aggravation. My solution is to live far away and maintain minimum contact. Look at it another way. What do you realistically expect to achieve with her? The fact that she won't even return your phone calls should tell you how much influence you have with her. My mother gets pissed at me and hangs up any time i have something to say that she doesn't like, or she tells me she can manage her own life. I say what I have to say anyway, but I get nowhere.
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post #36 of 45
5/21/10 at 9:43pm
^ G33K's right... sometimes you just have to accept and let go. or accept and just try to get along.
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post #37 of 45
5/21/10 at 9:51pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by globetrotter View Post
yeah, I hear you. I know that she doesn't like or approve of me, but such is life. I am just really sure that in a few years I am going to be speaking at her funeral and feeling sorry that I didn't do more.

but, such is life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by globetrotter View Post
that makes sense for you, of course. if my mom were younger I'd try to change her life, too. I've given up on her

Keep in mind that there's a difference between "giving up" and letting go.

It doesn't sound like you've "given up".

By letting go I mean that you can let go of their outcome in life because of the choices they're making yet still love them and possibly even still have a small relationship (if one cares to). A relationship based on what you can stand. If you've done what you can do, what's right for you, you can avoid guilt for what they've done / are doing to themselves.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mano View Post
I'm a Ph.D. clinical psychologist, licensed in three states and have 20+ years experience working with families. I'm also a devout atheist.

Consider the highlighted and underlined area above as divine intervention.

All kidding aside, it's clear you truly love and care about your sister and want her to enjoy a gratifying life. The world could use more people like yourself. If you're determined, a full family intervention with some training and preparation may be most effective.

Best of luck.


Do you see the family as a system and / or use this type of family therapy? Like addictions counseling and such?

Also, maybe you can diagnose the Styleforvm family that poasts in CE?
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post #38 of 45
5/21/10 at 9:52pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by GQgeek View Post
GT, not to be a smart-ass, but in a similar situation, you yourself told me to forget about it and that it was a no win situation (with regards to my mother).

It's not worth the time/energy. I have spent 7(?) years trying to realign my mother's behaviour with reality and it's been a total waste of time. She's gotten worse, if anything, and i don't think she's done one thing differently than she would have if I hadn't tried to intervene in all the divorce/house/finance shit. And when it comes to SOs, especially, stay the fuck away. Every time I have to deal with my family it's an aggravation. My solution is to live far away and maintain minimum contact.

Look at it another way. What do you realistically expect to achieve with her? The fact that she won't even return your phone calls should tell you how much influence you have with her. My mother gets pissed at me and hangs up any time i have something to say that she doesn't like, or she tells me she can manage her own life. I say what I have to say anyway, but I get nowhere.

no, you do have a good point that I can't really argue with. I would only say that the difference between a mother and a sister is that the expectation would be for my sister to live a few more decades, but that certainly isn't clear cut. but, yeah, the best I could hope to achieve would be that my sister would make changes to her behavior that would allow her to make a living.
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post #39 of 45
7/4/11 at 9:15pm
Thread Starter 
so, my sister's job ran out this week. she got a job at a much lower position and about half the salary, for a once year contract filling in for somebody on sabatical. last week, she was interviewed in a major newspaper discussing how her issue was part of a larger problem of sex-discrimination, that employers weren't hiring women for her position because they were more comfortable with men, and that was the reason that she was having so much trouble finding a new job.

I spoke to her on the phone, and she must have said 20 times "if I had a penis, I'd have a job now", and I know that she is saying this to everybody and that is probably not doing her any good. she isn't thinking about anything else that might be causing her career problems.

anyway, now I am, again, considering flying out for a day and talking to her about this. but, like people mentioned, it won't help most probably. very frustrating.
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post #40 of 45
7/4/11 at 10:13pm
I know it's family but has she ever gotten better due to anybody's intervention or advice? If not, give up! The vast majority of people don't change and the older you get the more intractable they become. Just accept her, don't try to fix it.
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post #41 of 45
7/4/11 at 10:28pm
if you're set on changing her, think about what your points of leverage are. In what ways do you have power over her? (eg make your love, money, etc conditional - ie if you don't do X, then i'm going to stop doing Y). If you have no leverage points then basically she has no reason to listen to you / change and you've done everything you can.
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post #42 of 45
7/4/11 at 10:46pm
The expression, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions" comes to mind. There is a possibility that you are enabling her self destructive behavior. One of the most difficult things to do with a loved one is to let the natural consequences of their behavior guide them in their next decision. In your position I would work on myself regarding my behaviors and actions when dealing with the sibling. She may actually be getting some type of satisfaction and fulfillment witnessing your behavior in this situation. I would detach with love, let her live her life and be there when needed.
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post #43 of 45
7/4/11 at 11:30pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by globetrotter View Post
so, my sister's job ran out this week. she got a job at a much lower position and about half the salary, for a once year contract filling in for somebody on sabatical. last week, she was interviewed in a major newspaper discussing how her issue was part of a larger problem of sex-discrimination, that employers weren't hiring women for her position because they were more comfortable with men, and that was the reason that she was having so much trouble finding a new job.

I spoke to her on the phone, and she must have said 20 times "if I had a penis, I'd have a job now", and I know that she is saying this to everybody and that is probably not doing her any good. she isn't thinking about anything else that might be causing her career problems.

anyway, now I am, again, considering flying out for a day and talking to her about this. but, like people mentioned, it won't help most probably. very frustrating.

best wishes, z. I can understand the frustration.
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post #44 of 45
7/4/11 at 11:54pm
hey at least they have jobs. that puts them several std deviations above the mean for deadbeat relatives. my advice to you is work on distancing yourself, insulating your own family and setting a good example for them. make no mistake this a disease and it will destroy your family if you let it
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post #45 of 45
7/5/11 at 12:25am
Quote:
Originally Posted by acidboy View Post
best wishes, z. I can understand the frustration.
+1. The person I used to take care of is still looking for a job.
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