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[ADVICE] shy girls

post #1 of 21
Thread Starter 

i've been following some threads on this forum that i thought would get my problem covered up but as none of them did, i opened a new one.

i've meet this wonderful, gorgeous and shy girl some time ago and i realised that we had a lot in common so i decided to give her a try and ask her out. she was 18 and never had a boyfriend, nor any male friend (don't ask me why, I'm still trying to figure this one out).

she seemed really nice, friendly and overall, waiting be invited. so i invited her a couple of times out and she declined. maybe foolishly, i insisted and one day she accepted so i walked with her to a coffee shop near her place and we talked for four hours straight. then i walked her to some of her relatives' place (she had to dine there), kissed her goodbye and went out with some friends. later that night, she sent me an message thanking me for the afternoon and saying she loved the time we had spent together. not bad eh?

for the following months we studied together and some more coffee but it didn't get pass that then the holidays came in and we got split for two weeks. at that time i realised she was slipping away from me. i never understood why. i knew she was the kind of person who loved letters so i wrote her one from where i was spending my Holiday time, inviting her to go somewhere with me the following week. she sent me message declining and explaining why she couldn't and i felt a total wuss.

when the holidays ended, i found her a different person. at least to me: she was kinda distant and somewhat cold. not hostile or anything but definitely not caring as she used to be. we went out one last time.

after that i talked to her a couple of times to ask her out but she always declined. one day, i did the stupidest thing in my whole damn life and told her i loved her. never had done that before and never will do again. i just don't know what i was thinking. i know this is the one thing we cant do but i went stupid and did it. don't mock at me because of this. if I'm writing this it's because i am well aware of the stupidity of my act.

of course our "relationship" quickly declined after that: we stopped talking to each other and we only had one eye contact after that, which she ended. When we talked she seemed almost hostile. After this I dated other girls (two of them truly spectacular) but no one i felt so attracted or attached to. It just felt so right with her..

Anyway, for a month or so i didn't ear of her or had any real contact with her until two days ago we accidentally meet in the street and we had the most casual short talk ever. I felt no anger in her, i felt no negative feeling towards me and she looked into my eyes again. i didn't see this as a promising event as to getting her back is concerned but.. who knows

I tried to forget her, i really did. but I'll try to start it over with her. I know i messed big time with this one: i was too slow and acted as if she was different only because she was so inexperienced and shy. it's just that i don't know what to do now. i don't even know if she's into relationships or not.

so right now i'm devising a battle plan to get her to be my dame. what do you people suggest? any input is appreciated.

thank you for your time and congrats on the forum. it's truly helpful.
post #2 of 21
Hmmm. I am going to be brutally honest in the nicest way possible! Edit: If she was interested, she would be responding to you.

Let go.
post #3 of 21
If you're interested in a relationship with her, you might need to go very slow with her and not expect anything, so if you're not up for that, maybe you should just let it go, or you might hurt her. She seems really inexperienced with relationships, or maybe been badly hurt or tramatized in the past or whatever.
post #4 of 21
I see alot of things in this but what sticks out as obvious is that she is Eighteen and probably has limits or constraints set by social pressures stemming from the home. At eighteen, a women is starting to engage in relationships and the parents are putting restraints as to how far they should evolve. In this case, I would stand your distance and be available for a commited freindship which she will appreciate because of your awareness of her situation.
Second, I would write her the letters that you say she enjoys getting and explain to her that your gesture of love was felt from your heart and that it meant only that you enjoy her companionship more than you've ever experienced before. It was not wrong of you to feel that love but it should have been expressed in other ways at first.
Third, this eye contact you have mentioned that makes you feel as if she is casting bad vibes are only her defence in not letting you get beyond where she wants you to get at the moment. I've felt these looks before and in retrospect, I know what they were trying to tell me.
I would in the future ask her to do something with you and a few freinds of yours so that she feels as though you want her companionship in other ways.
You never mentioned how old you were but I must believe that your not much older than her. And if so, your really to young to get serious to the point that stops all other possibilities. It's nice to have a partner, which I have had for twenty years this October but make sure that the one who is saying " I Love You " has experienced all that is behind those words.
Good Luck to You and let us know how this is progressing.

Best Regards,

post #5 of 21
move on. Having been in similar situations, there is almost zero likelihood that it will work out. In her mind, you've crossed over into the zone where you'll never be more than a casual aquaintance. The fact you dropped the "L" bomb probably means she thinks yer psycho.

It's amazing how girls can see a situation so differently...where she probably really had a good time with you initially, it could have been 'just as friends' with no romantic inclinations for her. But you interpreted that as "wow she must really be into me". There's a reason 'men are from mars, women are from venus' or some shit like that.

anyways, move on. live and learn.
post #6 of 21
Originally Posted by saajuk-khar
what do you people suggest? any input is appreciated.

drink. heavily.
post #7 of 21
What nationality is this girl? I can't say I've met any white girls (attractive ones anyway...) that haven't had sex with at least a couple of boyfriends by the time they were 18.

I agree with the others... Let it go. But if you really must give it another go, Gary's given you some pretty good advice. I'm glad you've at least learned your lesson about saying "I love you." Never say it first, even if you do.

Btw, when you were going-out with her, did you ever even make-out with her? Or was a kiss goodnight all you ever got? Was it because of circumstance or because you never really tried?

As unlikely as it sounds, some girls take it the wrong way if you move too slowly. They actually think you're not that in to them if you're not trying to have sex with them. I doubt this girl is like that, but who knows... The only thing I've come to expect from women is irrational behavior (Fabienne and Jill excluded, of course) :P
post #8 of 21
Don't walk, run away. You didn't f___ anything up, it just wasn't happening. Going further down the path of becoming infatuated/obsessed with some image of her that's all about your projections and not about any real connection between you is unhealthy.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, many of whom will be responsive and engaging. Oh, and what Stax said, too.
post #9 of 21
i think the girl has some issues she has to resolve by herself first.
post #10 of 21
Thread Starter 
i'm 19 now. we meet at school. later this year we'll split up again: me for medical school or navy academy (sorry, dont know how you call it) and she for something else. either way, i'll have to move town.

she never had a relationship and i was kinda scared when i found out she had no male friends whatsoever.

We're both European Unionists lol and there had never been anyone before me.
i never got beyond the goodbye kisses and errr.. i dont know the word. what do you call touching her face, hands and so on?
whos fabienne and jill?

please explain

everyone thank you for your feedback.
let me see if i got it. there are only two options for the situation:
1. forget her and move on, which is tempting.
2. a wait and see aproach.

did i get it right? thnks
post #11 of 21
Buy her something expensive.
post #12 of 21
Until she breaks your heart by telling you she cannot, will not or just does not open to your advances, I would somehow try to stay in the game. Women often challenge the conviction of one's attempts to appeal to their senses. To just lay down, as some have suggested will do nothing for your future challenges whatever they may be.
I've lived by this motto and take it for what it is worth to you.
"If you always do what what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten"


Best Regards,

post #13 of 21
i have a similar story from when i was 19. i started to write it down, but it got erased when i clicked on preview post, and i'm not going to start over again. (it's a long story.)

even though it was a huge mistake to say you love her, it's out of the way now and she cannot mistake your advances for anything else. keep giving her as much attention as you want. if she consumes your thoughts you should be spending time with her.

she knows how you feel, and unless she's the most heartless person in the world, she won't lead you on by agreeing to see you if she does not have feelings for you. give her a kiss and see how it feels.
post #14 of 21
Thread Starter 
@gary: i like that motto. really do

@reggs: why should i do that?

@matadorpoeta: shame about the story. i'll give the kiss plan a try though. i've some ideas as what to do already: as gary suggested, i'll pick some of our mutual friends and do something together and/or i'll visit her in her farm this holydays. she always told me how much she liked it there so i suppose the setting will help.

in the meanwhile i'll go out with other girls to avoid getting obsessed with her.
post #15 of 21
move on and see this:
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