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New city - building a new social circle?

post #1 of 34
4/11/10 at 4:36am
Thread Starter 
OK, so here's my deal. I've moved to a city start a new career fresh out of college. Thanks to the economy, my best bet was a new location and complete relocation. I'd like to look at the bright side of being a fresh new start, blah blah blah. I'm pretty much fresh off the boat and need some pointers on how to go about building a new social circle. I'm in the silicon valley so any specific locales would be great. Now my socially challenged circumstances...

I'm unfortunately introverted and I hate it. I can't just go up to people and start a conversation, it's so much easier to be quiet than speak up, and I've got a painfully acute self awareness level interacting with others. I loosen up after getting to know people (the whole getting out of the shell conundrum), but I lose any rewards society grants to the extroverts.

Finding friends at work is pretty much a non starter... I work at an engineering firm with the oldest industry demographics on the planet. There are about 5 employees younger than 30 in my group/building and these are engineers here. Walking down the hallways looking at your feet is the norm.

I made a rookie mistake with housing. This town is nothing but retirees and Indian code junkies (avoid Sunnyvale kids; it's where dreams go to die). My complex is nice enough but haven't met any young people.

I wouldn't be adverse to joining some sort of group or club but I have no idea where to begin. I feel ridiculously awkward going to a bar alone and those aren't great places to meet people anyway.

fml?
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post #2 of 34
4/11/10 at 4:37am
1)Find hobby.
2)Do hobby.
3)Find a club or group of people who share hobby.
4)?????
5)Friends.

Even if you still aren't comfortable just walking up to people, at least you have some kind of a common interest in which you can meet new folks
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post #3 of 34
4/11/10 at 5:15am
+1 on hobbies
Make a craigslist post mentioning you moved in and are looking for a bro to drink with
Volunteer

Most other options require some modicum of extroversion. Like going to a park on a nice afternoon with a ball or frisbee, hanging out and asking random groups if they wanna throw it around. Or going to a bar alone and chatting up some groups of girls (SO much easier when you are trying to make a friend and not get laid).

It is also tons easier if you move somewhere where you even know ONE person. Through them you can meet tons of others, as long as they aren't a complete hermit. Starting from zero is kinda tough.

Also consider joining a dating website. You will eventually find yourself in a social situation with whoever it is you are dating and can meet other random people. Even if the date chick falls through you can still exchange contact info with her (non-core) friends. Or you can even tell her you are new and that it would be cool to meet some other people or go to a bar with her friends. I mean don't come off as desperate or weird, but if she likes you she will more likely than not be cool with bringing you out to meet her friends. And if that doesn't materialize, hey, dating is better than being home alone. I guess.
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post #4 of 34
4/11/10 at 1:18pm
Have a SF meetup and bingo friends galore!
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post #5 of 34
4/11/10 at 2:05pm
Same boat as me. I just graduated and moved to San Francisco to work in a field I didn't study.

Starting over socially is hard as hell. As others have pointed out, common interests are the easiest way to do it. So far my only non-work non-roommate friends have come from a cigar lounge and an electronics hacking group. Find people who are into what you are. Also, I checked out the Elk's lodge here and it's actually badass. Don't underestimate alumni networks either. I reached out our Nor Cal club and am now helping to plan events and that's been a great source of friends and contacts.

Hope this helps. Good luck.
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post #6 of 34
4/11/10 at 2:12pm
I'm going to this http://www.johnniewalker.com/en-us/m...Id=ThrillistSF on Tuesday night. Thrillist, Flavorpill, Squidlist are all good mailing lists to learn of the goings on in the Bay Area.
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post #7 of 34
4/11/10 at 2:40pm
check if any of your friends from back home know someone there. Like PM a few and say you just moved to the city and if they know anyone around to let you know. +1 to hobbies, even just signing up for some random events like wine tasting, or something. if you're an engineer, maybe look into taking one uni course related to that just to keep busy and meet people on campus. consider a part time job like waitering where you get to meet new people constantly but at least have a few minutes to talk with them too
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post #8 of 34
4/11/10 at 4:07pm
Join a cult. Mormons seem especially friendly.
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post #9 of 34
4/11/10 at 4:08pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Magician View Post
Join a cult. Mormons seem especially friendly.

Oh sure, until you disagree with the prophet!
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post #10 of 34
4/11/10 at 4:26pm
I'm kind of in the same boat here in Sacramento.

One good option is to check out http://www.meetup.com. There are groups for practically any interest you can imagine and it seems especially popular in the Bay Area / Silicon Valley.

Also, its not the best time of year for college sports right now, but join the NorCal chapter of your college alumni association. It's fun getting together with fellow alums to watch football and basketball at a local sports bar.

Finally, if you belong to a particular religious denomination, find a church and get involved.
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post #11 of 34
4/11/10 at 5:17pm
+1 to meetup. You're not the only person with the same issue.
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post #12 of 34
4/11/10 at 11:05pm
Best chance you will ever have to try whatever it is you always wanted. So, work out whatever the hell it is you always saw on TV and thought 'that looks like fun' and go do it.
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post #13 of 34
4/11/10 at 11:14pm
Two things... first, remember that it's like dating. Friendships form slowly. It can take a long time to get accepted into a social circle as an outsider. Push too hard and they might spot red flags. Secondly, people form bonds faster when they're in unfamiliar situations. So your best bet (aside from the hobbies thing) is definitely to seek out other people who are fresh.
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post #14 of 34
4/12/10 at 3:21am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mean Mr. Mustard View Post
...people form bonds faster when they're in unfamiliar situations. So your best bet (aside from the hobbies thing) is definitely to seek out other people who are fresh.

Some (surprisingly) good advice from SF on this one. I moved to Chicago from KY, and my big mistake was moving to the suburbs that first year. When my lease was up, I moved into the city where I saw tons of people around my age, and most of my friendships were formed in the cheap, ratty apartment building I moved into where everyone was from someone else. What helped - and it was unusual - was the landlord had a mixer in the basement every Thursday; he just paid for a keg and had a stereo, but it was a place for everyone to shoot the breeze, get to know the people we passed in the halls, and share tips on clubs, bars, and how to live on the cheap. My two closest friends are from that building.

As far as being an introvert, it can work for you if you're out there. I'm also something of a quiet type and I've learned people tend to fill in the blanks about you; the stuff people make up about me is way more interesting than my actual life.
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post #15 of 34
4/12/10 at 3:45am
Thread Starter 
Good ideas, gotta work on those.

Hobbies... hobbies... lots of things to try.
Tossing around things like:
SCCA or autosports club
Homebrewing
Some sort of gym club sport that's not at all competitive
A cooking class?
+1 on that Johnnie tasting, gonna try that

Would certainly like to round things out with a hobby a female might even be part of.

Luckily I'll be starting a master's program part time in the fall. Gotta treat that as college part deaux and hit it hard, but of course that's in the fall.

Seems like an easy solution would be to move to San Fran, but that hour + commute would be a killer and probably wouldn't work with school.

It's definitely that initial introduction and conversation that's the hardest part.
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