The battle royale! Gents, put on your twice a year ties, your triple pleat slacks, and brush down that walrus mustache! We're taking the *ladies* out on the town.
Now, we all know that nookie is normally pretty much gua-ran-teed with a stop through the drive by DQ for a soft serve, so you can pretty much imagine what's going to happen when you surprise her with the Red Lobsta!
But don't stop there. You know her cute little cousin -- the one you're pretty sure you could marry if you could ever figure out exactly how the two of you are related, and how you could keep your lady from, well, basically turning you into a "bun with no hot dog" if she found out? Well, start of the night with a few glasses of Freshinette, and get both them ladies into the front seat of your El Camino because we're going OUT ON THE TOWN!
Now, normally I'm not one for testing the waters of this kind of thing without a little talkie-talkie in advance with your girl, but man, this plan here is so foolproof even a gasoline-pumping dip-wad such as your high school drop out buddy Kenny could pull this one off ...
Now if she's not rubbing your leg underneath the table with her stockinged feet like some kind of crazy little lap dog in heat (that's right, make her "dress up" for this one) by the time those sizzling garlic shrimp are on the table it's time to put your finger up and do that "another round" lasso move to the bartender and get that Fume Blanc flowing.
Piece of advice, do not ... I REPEAT ... DO NOT ... let them get crazy and do any kind of "all you can eat" fest on you ... remember ... shhhhhh ... you're not done gorging these princesses yet!
Remind them that THERE'S MORE TO COME ... and beat a hasty retreat before they get their paws on the dessert menu ... cuz, buddy, you're about to WOW them womenz like they've never been WOW'd before (or since!) ...
Now crack them windows and turn up the Skinnard, because imagine their surprise when you hard right your cruck (you know ... El Camino ... car-truck!) into the Olive Garden parking lot.
Holy menage-a-trois, batman! That's what I'm talkin' about brother. Forgo the all you can eat salad here, gents, but have them bring a whole basket of those bread sticks because you've got biz under the table to take care of with that little cousin as soon as you send your main lady off with a $10 bill to "take a powder" ... eat yer heart out Monica, you ain't seen nothin' yet! Later tonight you'll re-visit that garlicy goodness, if all goes according to "plan."
Spaghetti is the order of the day, because a little three-way Lady and the Tramp (or should I say lady tramps!) is what you've got in mind. Chicks dig love stories and you're the screenwriter of one heck of a tale of amore in your eye like a big pizza pie tonight! And don't let your wallet get in the way of this master plan. No George Costanza moves here -- this is exactly the "rainy day" you cashed in the Sam-Club pickle jar full of coins for, right? Am I RIGHT? Fruity drinks all around! That's right, my little 16 year old helpful server, keep them Lemoncello Lemonades coming and don't stop until you see me crying for help because I'm being attacked by these two beauties right here. "When you're here you're family," is right! I'd hate to think a stranger is seeing what I know's going to be happening right there in booth 12-C!
OK boys, it's taxi time. Not that you wouldn't look bad ass with them two ladies on your lap pealing out of the Garden parking lot and burning a little El Camino rubber, but you want to get home in one piece so you can burn a little rubber -- or a lotta rubbers -- with these ladies -- that's what I'm talkin' bout!
I'll leave the rest up to you Cassinova -- that's Frenchie for "big timer." But make sure to leave your shoes by the door, you may have to run quick in the a.m.!
Now, we all know that nookie is normally pretty much gua-ran-teed with a stop through the drive by DQ for a soft serve, so you can pretty much imagine what's going to happen when you surprise her with the Red Lobsta!
But don't stop there. You know her cute little cousin -- the one you're pretty sure you could marry if you could ever figure out exactly how the two of you are related, and how you could keep your lady from, well, basically turning you into a "bun with no hot dog" if she found out? Well, start of the night with a few glasses of Freshinette, and get both them ladies into the front seat of your El Camino because we're going OUT ON THE TOWN!
Now, normally I'm not one for testing the waters of this kind of thing without a little talkie-talkie in advance with your girl, but man, this plan here is so foolproof even a gasoline-pumping dip-wad such as your high school drop out buddy Kenny could pull this one off ...
Now if she's not rubbing your leg underneath the table with her stockinged feet like some kind of crazy little lap dog in heat (that's right, make her "dress up" for this one) by the time those sizzling garlic shrimp are on the table it's time to put your finger up and do that "another round" lasso move to the bartender and get that Fume Blanc flowing.
Piece of advice, do not ... I REPEAT ... DO NOT ... let them get crazy and do any kind of "all you can eat" fest on you ... remember ... shhhhhh ... you're not done gorging these princesses yet!
Remind them that THERE'S MORE TO COME ... and beat a hasty retreat before they get their paws on the dessert menu ... cuz, buddy, you're about to WOW them womenz like they've never been WOW'd before (or since!) ...
Now crack them windows and turn up the Skinnard, because imagine their surprise when you hard right your cruck (you know ... El Camino ... car-truck!) into the Olive Garden parking lot.
Holy menage-a-trois, batman! That's what I'm talkin' about brother. Forgo the all you can eat salad here, gents, but have them bring a whole basket of those bread sticks because you've got biz under the table to take care of with that little cousin as soon as you send your main lady off with a $10 bill to "take a powder" ... eat yer heart out Monica, you ain't seen nothin' yet! Later tonight you'll re-visit that garlicy goodness, if all goes according to "plan."
Spaghetti is the order of the day, because a little three-way Lady and the Tramp (or should I say lady tramps!) is what you've got in mind. Chicks dig love stories and you're the screenwriter of one heck of a tale of amore in your eye like a big pizza pie tonight! And don't let your wallet get in the way of this master plan. No George Costanza moves here -- this is exactly the "rainy day" you cashed in the Sam-Club pickle jar full of coins for, right? Am I RIGHT? Fruity drinks all around! That's right, my little 16 year old helpful server, keep them Lemoncello Lemonades coming and don't stop until you see me crying for help because I'm being attacked by these two beauties right here. "When you're here you're family," is right! I'd hate to think a stranger is seeing what I know's going to be happening right there in booth 12-C!
OK boys, it's taxi time. Not that you wouldn't look bad ass with them two ladies on your lap pealing out of the Garden parking lot and burning a little El Camino rubber, but you want to get home in one piece so you can burn a little rubber -- or a lotta rubbers -- with these ladies -- that's what I'm talkin' bout!
I'll leave the rest up to you Cassinova -- that's Frenchie for "big timer." But make sure to leave your shoes by the door, you may have to run quick in the a.m.!
