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How do I fix my social skills? - Page 6

post #76 of 100
hmm i look at it another way,why are you trying to change who you are (unless you are really unhappy and dont like yourself).
maybe being the strong silent type is an asset you should embrace,maybe the spouse you are supposed to be with eventually will find that attractive about you or better yet that how you will meet?
im not shy by any means,but sometimes im really quiet and have had women approach me at parties because of that (for example have had women come up to me asking me why im so quiet etc ...when im in reality just nursing a hangover hehe)
im saying unless you are really miserable right now,just let it happen naturally and dont force it.
post #77 of 100
most of these people actually have shitty social skills too, dont feel bad its like hs lunch tables all over again
post #78 of 100
I didn't read the whole thread, so forgive me if this has been said

1. join some groups - find a few things that you are interested in, find other people that are interested in them, join the same groups

2. I've never done this, but I kjnow people who are in toastmasters, that is very good

3. think of a few good stories about yourself that are interesting, but not too long. practice them and then use them.

good luck
post #79 of 100
Get off the internet, for one.
post #80 of 100
Don't sweat about telling everyone all about you. People just want to talk about themselves, so come up with OPEN ended questions and ask those. Start with a comment that implies you noticed something about them they probably took time to do, then ask them about it, throw in your own relevant comments/stories, and work from there. I have lots of "friends" where we have to be doing something because the conversations not great, but my really good friends we can just keep chatting for hours. You'll know within a few minutes if they're interested in you and WANT to keep chatting because you'll both make a effort to fill dead air. +1 to joining intramural sports/teams for that case competition, try staying friends with one or two of the people. also try hookups with the girls from other schools. BIG +1, understand this: EVERYONE is there to meet people, that's why they all came to the party. Assume they're happy you came up to them and want to talk. (UWO? BMOS? if so you can PM we and we can chat. I spent 5 years there.)
post #81 of 100
Being social and attracting the kind of people you want in your life is an art. It requires theory and practice. We all start off with the fear of rejection and judgment and we tone ourselves down. The result to work towards is to be completely comfortable with being yourself around anyone. It is the essence of authenticity. It is a bit of a paradox, in that you are not changing who you are, but learning to become comfortable in who you are around others; but this alone is a change. Change however, is not the right word when it comes to personal development. We naturally grow and mature and evolve as we age. In order to get what we want in life, we must steer and nurture that growth in the right direction. Everything that we truly want is outside of our comfort zone...or else we would already have it. I recommend that you step out of your comfort zone until you turn your discomfort into a comfort. In this case, social freedom. The challenge is that you will come up with all sorts of excuses to get yourself out of it. Know what you want, and stick to it. The only way to achieve comfort in discomfort is progressive desensitization or overclocking your nervous system. The simplest way is to go out of your way and interact with strangers, this will progressively desensitize you. Pretend they're an old friend and you want to catch up with them. The goal is social freedom, every interaction will build upon the previous one...until the discomfort disappears completely. Once you hit this point, success is only one step away. There is an equation and tool for building self-esteem in psychology. The tool is courage. We all know what we really need to be doing, but we are sometimes too afraid to do it. The more we put off doing these things, the lower self-esteem get. This also works the other way around. Let's say that there is this gorgeous woman across the store and I want to talk to her. The block in this case is fear. On a scale from 1 - 10(10 being death), the fear is a 6. If I use my courage to overcome this fear and do it, I will gain points in self-esteem directly proportional to the fear. If the fear was a 6, I will do it and gain 6 points of self-esteem. It is something you can feel and experience immediately after. Each event will build upon the previous, allowing you to eventually aim for and achieve greater things.
post #82 of 100
^ Good post.
post #83 of 100
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by pseudonym View Post
^ Good post.

+1. Good advice. I actually figured this out today, as I was presenting. My group won our debate for the class, so we moved on to the debates for the winners from each class. The first debate, presenting to a room of 300+ people, was nerve-wracking. The second was actually survivable, and by the final one (the championship, which we won ) I was actually enjoying it. You obviously don't know me, but if you did you would know before today I had a pretty much crippling fear of presenting. However, I said to myself "if I don't get over this, nothing will change" and it really helped.
post #84 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sartorialiste View Post
Let's say that there is this gorgeous woman across the store and I want to talk to her. The block in this case is fear. On a scale from 1 - 10(10 being death), the fear is a 6. If I use my courage to overcome this fear and do it, I will gain points in self-esteem directly proportional to the fear. If the fear was a 6, I will do it and gain 6 points of self-esteem.

OK, but what if you pluck up the courage, then get all tongue twisted, make an ass of yourself, and then get cruelly rebuffed?
post #85 of 100
The problem I always face is actually getting hooked up with someone at a club for instance. I'm not that shy but due to the lack of any friends, I usually end up at clubs alone and it turns nasty by being some grinding guy on the dance floor. Once I started talking to a girl and it was going well before the girl told her guy friend that she wasnt interested since she lived abroad but didnt have the balls to say it herself. Advice?
post #86 of 100
Glad to be of help =)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt View Post
OK, but what if you pluck up the courage, then get all tongue twisted, make an ass of yourself, and then get cruelly rebuffed?
Failure is something that will come up in anything worth pursuing. We fall when we're first learning to walk, what do you do? You get back up and try again until you get it.
post #87 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by Matt View Post
OK, but what if you pluck up the courage, then get all tongue twisted, make an ass of yourself, and then get cruelly rebuffed?

I, for one, cut myself with a small Swiss Army knife which I keep with me expressly for that purpose.
post #88 of 100
School is the easiest place to socialize and make friends. Start with your dorm and suitmates, join some clubs, make efforts to form study groups in your classes, divvy up the assignments, study guides and study together. edit: if you can overcome your fear of approaching somebody, you may feel at ease when you understand that the majority of people love talking about themselves, compliment somebody, the conversation will flow by itself.
post #89 of 100
Suit up and learn magic tricks.

But really, if there's one thing I've learned, no one cares what happens at parties and the drunkest/least inhibited people have the most fun. So what if you make an idiot of yourself, good story afterwards.
post #90 of 100
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lel View Post
Suit up and learn magic tricks.

But really, if there's one thing I've learned, no one cares what happens at parties and the drunkest/least inhibited people have the most fun. So what if you make an idiot of yourself, good story afterwards.

I usually get drunk, am not sure if I make an idiot of myself or not, and have no story afterwards.

Actually it's a horrible way to meet people because you forget everyone you meet. It's actually a huge problem for me, I forget 75% of the night, and just remember that for 25% of the time I was having a great time. I'll meet a dozen people and remember one dude who had a common interest with me and one chick who I was hitting on/was hitting on me/made out with.

Actually at my one friend's birthday, which I remember nothing of, I asked her the next day...

"Hey, I don't remember last night... How fucked up was I?"
"OH MY GOD YOU WERE SO DRUNK."
"Oh my god what did I do, did I make an ass of myself?"
"No, you did nothing. You sat in the corner, answered everyone with one word answers, and drank yourself into oblivion."
"That was unexpected."
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